To all the angels that touch our lives...

ariarnia

Having a !!!!!! week (and it's only Monday).

Feel free to skip, but I want to share this as it's being a burden on my mind, and I figure some here might understand.

We all have people in our lives that touch us. Moments in our life that change us. And sometimes remembering those moments hits us and just won't let go.

My mum died when I was 5. She got sick and she didn't get better.

When I was nearly 7 I was in the car when my dad killed himself - I'm fairly sure he killed himself, but it was listed as an accident as there wasn't a note. It's possible he was just so drunk he smashed into the wall by accident. I've always been told he loved my mother too strongly. He just couldn't function without her and the alcohol only helped for so long.

Those things were !!!!!! - and the trauma from the crash is why my head is screwy (physically and mentally) but that's not why I'm struggling this week.

It's my nan.

She raised me. She was 50 when my mum died. She did everything humanly possible to save her daughter - and now I have a daughter I understand what that means. It broke her I think.

Her health was never great afterwards, but when my dad died she took us in (me and my brother and my sister).

She wasn't well off - though I don't think I ever realised quite how poor we were.

She'd been widowed in WW2 so had a small pension and she worked part time as a cleaner around the needs of me and my siblings.

That's the thing I remember about her when I think of how she looked - her hands were always red. Cold and red and boney - worn to the bones. But never too tired for us.

She didn't have a lot of money to invest in us, so she invested her time. She used to read to me every night - It's my favourite memory. Sitting on the bed taking turns to read page by page.

Sometimes she was so tired after work she'd fall asleep, all cuddled up with me, and I'd just keep going until I finished the book. She used to shout at me when she woke up that I was wasting the electricity leaving the lights on.

After my dad died I needed to spend time alone (I still do) but it wasn't easy in a tiny house with four people. I remember her teaching me how to make blanket forts for privacy - and looking back I realise how it meant I could keep reading in the bedroom with a hot water bottle during winter when she couldn't afford to heat the whole house. Everyone else squashed up together in the sitting room but she made sure I got the space I needed.

How she knew me. Better than I knew myself.

She always made me argue for anything I wanted - not argue in the way we often use the word. I had to persuade her what I wanted was worth the cost - in money, in time, in space. She never gave in if I couldn't make a good argument - she used to say if you can't make a good argument for something you aren't sure if it's worth it yourself.

And the same if I said I couldn't do something - she used to make me do it twice. Once for her to teach me, then again so I could teach her. She was a hard lady, ridged, sharp - but she believed in me - and she made me believe in myself.

And I never doubted she loved me. She lived for her family. We were the centre of her world.

She showed me how to be proud of my achievements without thinking I'm better than someone else. She showed me there's always a way. She showed me how to think about what's important and what's just nice to have. She expected of me - and in doing so made me expect of myself. She made me a better person.

And she died two years ago - six months after meeting her grandson but before I had chance to tell her I was carrying the granddaughter that would share her name.

Night night Nanna. God Bless.

:A

Mrs_Ryan

Oh gosh that's just made me cry. Your nan sounds like a wonderful lady and she's given you some wonderful attributes. My best wishes to you OP and may your nan rest in peace.Xxx

Reading this has made me think of my dad. He's still alive but he has dementia and he's not the same man he was- I know from my old job it's almost like a grieving process. I've always been a Daddy's girl and it's really difficult for me to see- I only get home every so often and when I do I see a change in him every time.

NewShadow

I'm not sure what to say.

You made me cry as well.

My grandad had a stroke when I was a kid so I never really got to know him - he was alive but he couldn't speak right and was always just pottering around the house. He died in about 2002 I think.

I was at uni when my dad told me. He called me at 3am with the news. I didn't know what to say. I'd never experienced death before. My grandmother insisted on me buying a new coat for the funeral. I've still got it. It's a good coat.

My grandmother died last year - a year last june.

She lived for her family as well, but for the 10 years before she died - after my grandfather died - she was slipping away from us.

My father moved in to 'look after her' and he ended up hating her. He hasn't gotten over the guilt of her dying - it's the relief he felt he feels most guilty about I think.

He resented her. He resented what she'd become. She'd been so strong for so long and then she just wasn't there anymore.

It's not easy.

We're so divorced from death now it's hardly real.

It's hard to grieve - hard to admit that I still think about her and cry in the evenings sometimes. Like I'm crying now.

I should have visited more often. I should have got her to teach me more of her recipes. I should have taken her back home to Ireland for the summer before it got too late. I should have told her I loved her at least one more time before she couldn't recognise me anymore.

I hope she knows - wherever she ended up.

I hope she forgives me.

[Deleted User]

ariarnia what a lovely tribute to a lovely lady I bet she would be so proud of the person you have grown up to be

We all go through life and at various times meet the good ,the bad, and the downright evil on our way.

Some of us are lucky enough to have special people in our lives who will always be in your corner through thick and thin.

We learn through them to love and to also forgive the people who are not so nice. I have met many folk in my life that I have liked,admired and in the case of my late OH loved to bits.

I have met a few that I disliked and perhaps have been lucky enough not meet too many that I hated.
My late OH taught me to see the best in people, even when they seemed to be awful.

He said there was always some redeeming feature even when I thought they were dreadful:) Bless him he was such a happy man whom no one had a bad word to say about, and he could see the good in almost anyone.
Bearing in mind he was an ex-boxer you would have thought he was aggressive ,but in fact he was a gentle giant, who had so much patience with our two daughters and our grandchildren. His smile would cheer anyone up and his strength was his ability to see good in almost anyone.

So we all have our 'angels' who look after us and care more for us than they do themselves and they are the ones were should cherish

So if you have one of the good'uns in your life tell them so today, as tomorrow sometimes never comes for them.

But if like me you have lost them then remember them, and be glad you have been lucky enough to have known them and they touched your life


JackieO xxx

pajama

Thank you for sharing ariarnia. You made me cry too. Your Nan was a very, very special lady and she's left you with some lovely memories. Cherish them xxx

Larumbelle

I just wept buckets. Ariarnia Your nan was a wonderful, special lady. What a wonderful tribute to her to give your daughter her name. I am sure that you are just as wonderful and special to your children. Huge hugs to you :grouphug: xx

If I touch one person in my life as much as that, I'll consider my life well lived.

determined_new_ms

wow you made me cry! Touched me... I have a little angel in my life - my granddaughter I am raising because due to mental health issues my daughter wasn't able to look after her. She's 3 1/4, and she really is an angel. I was brought up by a mother with a mental health issue and drug and alcohol dependencies. Life was anything but easy, I had 2 children as a teenager and as difficulties in families often are passed down the generations, again it wasn't easy.

Then this situation arose where we stepped in and took custody of our granddaughter. Raising her has taught me so much about myself and my parenting, about attachment, about patience and laughter. I hope one day she will look back with the love you are expressing and know she gave me much more than I can ever give her x

harrys_nan

That is a lovely tribute to a great grandparent, there must have been a lot of love in that small house and that is what all of us need more than money.
Thank you so much for sharing your special story, even if you did make me fill up with tears, wishing you and your family all the very best and keep those special memories in your heart forever xx

System

What a wonderful woman your Nan was. She was indeed a blessing.

Many hugs for the pain your gone through, the pain you still going through.

monnagran

Yes. Your grandmother was truly an angel. Our angels come to us in many disguises and we often don't recognise them at the time.

I think that most (by no means all) grandparents are angels. There seems to be something about the relationship that is very, very special. I suppose that in many cases it is our chance to make up for mistakes we made with their parents. We have had the practice and now we have the time and experience to be the special people our grandchildren deserve.

This is looking at things from the other side. No one tells you what it is like when you meet your first grandchild. I was certainly not expecting the overwhelming rush of adoration I felt when my first granddaughter was put into my arms. Or the fierce protective reaction I had when they cried or hurt themselves.

I have two precious granddaughters and one glorious, autistic grandson who has my heart in his grubby hands. He is just coming up to 15, socially awkward, you have to love him to even begin to understand his speech, his reading and writing is the level of a 5 yearold, he is prone to frustrated melt downs. He also has a great sense of humour, endless patience with his aggravating little half-sister, and unbelievable gentleness with babies and animals.
He is the most beautiful soul.
When I think of the hurt and bewilderment that lays in wait for him I want to fight the world.
I want to gather him up in my arms and keep him safe.

I love him so much that even while typing this my eyes are full of tears and my heart hurts.

This is what being a grandparent means. It means loving a child until you ache with it.
Perhaps that is what angels do.
x

candlelight_2013

Monna you have put it so well. The love a grandparent has for a grandchild is all consuming.

We have 3 DGC, 2 girls and a boy. When our elder granddaughter was born I fell in love with her at once, and knew I would walk through fire for her. The love a grandparent has for a grandchild is completely different to the love you have for your child.

Our lovely grandson was born with dyspraxia and we were told there would be things he would never be able to do. Well this 6ft 3 handsome young man is now at university reading biomedical science, and probably the only thing which came true is that he has difficulty tying shoe laces (velcro is a wonderful invention)

Our younger granddaughter has made me laugh since the day she was born, she is a lovely warm 17 year old who never falls out with anyone.

None of them have had an easy life. Their father is a bully emotionally and hasn't spoken to DGD1 for 8 years, she is 23 now, and hasn't spoken to DGD2 for 3 years. He bullys our daughter as well but she doesn't have the strength to leave.

DGD1 lives with us now and we have always been in their lives. When they were at school we would pick them up and they would have their dinner with us before going home every day.

I hope they will think of us kindly when we are gone, because they are such special young people who have brought such joy into our later life.

Candlelightx