All change... maybe...

Legacy_user

I've decided to re-awaken my alterego on MSE as too many people know me and would soon be poking noses where I might not want them - This is here for my courage, to get advice on things I can't openly ask at the moment...

I'm married, I am a mum, I work and I'm probably going to be getting a divorce. I say probably because I have been wanting to leave for a long time and I've never found the courage to. My husband is kind and gentle, he's generous and he provides well. Many will tell me that I'm stupid to want to leave, but we've had ups and downs, we're great friends but we're not intimate and after 8 years despite counselling (very reluctantly by him) I can't see this improving, his words: "he just simply isn't interested in being intimate with me". We went half a dozen times, he didn't like the councilor so we stopped, I asked him to pick one he liked then, I asked again and "oh my bad I forgot", then I asked a third time and "yeah yeah..." - I'm not asking a fourth - I'm mentally exhausted and I can't live my life feeling rejected, unloved, undesirable and teetering on the edge of depression from it.

Before anyone says it, he knows how I feel, I have mentioned divorce before, I've always shied away for the sake of family (we both come from divorced parents) and because I hate the thought of hurting him. Just because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him doesn't mean I don't care greatly about him.

SO - this diary is both about my mental and personal journey - and the brutal factual side of financially making sure I can cope, that my family is taken care of and can afford to do what we need to.

Debts - we both have some, nothing massive and frankly if I stayed another year we would be more than debt free... his bonuses are... *cough* generous.

We have separate accounts and cards - we do hold a joint mortgage. The house has a fair amount of equity in it, I don't want it, it was bought together and I don't want to stay there without him so I am happy for him to keep it or us to sell it. He can afford to buy me out by remortgaging if he wants to do so.

He earns a LOT more than I do, financially my ONLY worry is really that on my own I can manage but I will never be able to give our child all the awesome stuff she has now - her dad will though.

I have no ideas of what I'm entitled to - my view is that I barely feel entitled to half of our marital assets because he earned the money that paid for most of it. I know it's not logical really, but I probably need a little encouragement to make sure I get something to make sure I can provide for our child when she's with me...

I have no issue with him as a dad, he's fabulous, and I know he won't see me go without. But I don't want to end up at a point where he becomes resentful over what I get or he has to give me... Nor do I think it's his job to pay for me!

I would probably need to move to a cheaper area and that would potentially mean a long distance between us, how on earth I'll work out school arrangements I have no idea. I expect our child will want to live with both of us which I think is great, but the logistics is giving me sleepless nights

More details to follow as and when I gather up the courage to post it. First I need to get brave and approach the topic with him to start the snowball I guess

So, uhm... hi!

Girlonalake

Hi Guess Who, I'm always lurking but never posting on these sites but felt compelled to reply to you. I'm in a kind of similar situation with a very kind, caring husband but truthfully we are more like housemates and there is no passion anymore and I feel devastated by that fact but I'm emotionally exhausted trying to change the situation. I'm in quite a bit of debt at the moment but I'm hoping this will improve in the next 12 months and then maybe I can look at the divorce option. I hope that you are able to move forward with your plans and wish you lots of courage in the upcoming weeks.


Girlonalake

anna_1977

Hi GW, I totally understand you writing this under an alter-ego.
How old is your child. I guess what you are entitled to is one thing, what you want is another. I have been single for 5.5 years now. My separation was amicable and it wasn't about the money for me, it was more important he provided for the kids, we've had some ups and downs with that but seems to be ok now.
Make sure you get online and check with tax credits you are entitled to.

Good luck, I'm not going to lie it's bl**dy hard to begin with but I understand fully why you are doing it

x

System

Thanks Anna and Girlonalake x

It's maddeningly hard! The combination of dealing with the current debt, which would be wiped out by selling the house in fairness even if not by a bonus, and the emotional turmoil and exhaustion is just enormous!

Our child is in year 3 - sorry for being a little vague

I think for me it's just the emotional exhaustion like you girlonalake that I just can't keep doing to my self... I appreciate we care for one another, but to be blunt it's very hurtful to be rejected repeatedly and not feel wanted in that sense... And then having to endure friends getting pregnant and constantly asking "so when are you having number two then? huh huh huh?" - well I'd love a second one, but I won't untli we sort these problems... 5 years down the line I want to just scream "not likely to bloody happen unless by divine intervention so STOP asking me!" - I hate to think what it must feel like for women who have trouble conceiving or who can't

I adore my child, but I never wanted for them to be an only child. And now I'm starting to get the "can I have a little brother or sister mummy? So and so has two and I'd like just one?" - tears me apart when the main reason is simply that he doesn't feel attracted to me.


Aaaaaaaand breathe...

At least it's nearly the weekend!

Muttipops

Guess who,
Don't think of it as he doesn't feel attracted to you, he might not feel attracted to anybody. Some people's need for intimacy just dies and they learn to live without. But I do understand what that is like, I have been with just such a person and tried to do everything to awaken anything in him to no avail; but you cannot help but take it personally. I understand also why you want out instead of waiting until you are bitter, twisted and too old to do anything about it.
I hope you can talk to your husband and come to an amicable arrangement that allows you to live near enough so that you can share in the care of your daughter if you can, as distance buggars things up..


I should think a visit to Citizens Advice would help you to explore a way forward for you, so that you come at the problem well informed so that together you can make the best choices for you all to move forward into a new family set-up, just a less traditional one.
Make an action plan and get in control.
And good luck.

andyfromotley

as a very rough guide *****which is no substitute for proper legal advice**** but handy in an internet forum kind of way...

Assuming that you have been married for longer than two years and aren't super rich and no pre nup exists then you are looking at a starting point of all assets being diveded 50/50. ALL ASSETS includes house, savings, investments, horses, inhereted stuff and most importantly pensions. This is regardless of who earnt it and who brought what into the marriage. (pensions particularly occupational pensions can be very tricky to value and require specialist work by an actuary this costs about £1200) Most cases will generally run to this 50/50 basis with a bit of wriggling, you have the house, i keep the ssavings, or you have the house i keep my pension are very common deals.

Maintenance for ex spouses doesnt really exist anymore in the vast majority of divorces (and in those where it does is usually for ex spouses who have never wotrked and are older - however there is a trend towards limiting the time this is paid in order to enable training for employment and then thats it)
Child maintenance can be worked out by how many nights the the child spends with the non resident parent. there is a calculator online. Use this as a guide but again this is often just negotiated as part of the divorce informally. (using the 'CSA' has been made much more expensive and difficult and should only be a last resort) 50/50 childcare results in no CM either way unless informally agreed. (i have 50/50 care but give their mum £x each month as she pays for all of their clothes/clubs/hobbies etc. It works for us)

Your benefits may well change and you can work this out using the online benefits calculators.

This is based on my own experience and i hope the info is accurate and up to date and helps.

This must be a tough time for you, full of worry but rest assured with kindess and honesty you can get to an amicable divorce where your child is the centre of both of your lives. They can be happy and thrive, as can you.

tlc678910

Hi Guesswho,
you have said you need to get your courage up to start talking to your husband about this and I think you are right about this.

You have told your husband that you are unhappy and sought councilling, even mentioned divorce, but it sounds like he is burying his head in the sand.

If you tell him that you are now working on how you can separate and make that work and continue to be great parents he does have the opportunity to make changes and seek help if it took staring down the barrel to make him do it.

Any number of reasons for his behaviour that could be tackled could include depression, fear after your childbirth - fear of another pregnancy,difficulty seeing you as a partner and as a mother, abuse or his own upbringing. He could feel he does not have needs I guess but I think it is highly unlikely it is personal (even though that doesn't help your feelings - I'm sorry)

I hope realising what he stands to lose makes him face his demons.

Good luck

System

Thanks all X

Tlc - we did discover that apparently unlike some men pregnancy was NOT a turn on for him, the polar opposite. So I accepted that and didn't push even though it sent my urges into overdrive. I had a traumatic (for all of us) birth so I didn't push but just talked through it and let time heal. Still no interest. We discussed it in our sessions and he said that he lost interest before the trauma, he had never really had a high drive and it just didn't bother him... I knew he wasn't Duracell bunny level but it made me feel like I had almost guilted him into sex all those years which knocked the wind out of my sails enormously.

The instant I stopped instigating anything it stopped... And I mean for 6 months, then a year... We discussed in counselling how that made me feel unattractive, unloved, undesirable and he promised to try harder... I'll let you guess how much trying that led to

Could I have done more? I'm sure I could, but it's hard when you love someone but you're hurting...

And I do love him, just not sure I can forgive his total apathy towards us for the last many years.


Which brings me back round to the practical side of things...

I need to start making some estimates of what equity is in the house as that's our biggest asset - once I know that I can start thinking about where I can realistically afford to live. As he earns 3 to 4 times my basic (plus hefty bonuses on top, where as I don't earn any) then I suspect my house shopping in a compromise area will be a two bed terraced vs our four bed detached executive home :eek: two beds however is all I need I guess and I've certainly made do with less before

I will check but I doubt I will qualify for any benefits... Which I suppose is good news in a way....

sourcrates

Dosent just happen to men, my now ex wife had similar things going on with her, she refused to talk about it, still does four years down the line.

Still am non the wiser as to why she felt that way, no one else was involved, if there had been, I guess at least I could of understood it.

She left, seems happy on her own with the kids, who knows.

Thing is you can't live your life for someone else, you gotta move on, good luck with it all.

poppasmurf_bewdley

GuessWho? wrote: »

I've decided to re-awaken my alterego on MSE as too many people know me and would soon be poking noses where I might not want them - This is here for my courage, to get advice on things I can't openly ask at the moment...

I'm married, I am a mum, I work and I'm probably going to be getting a divorce. I say probably because I have been wanting to leave for a long time and I've never found the courage to. My husband is kind and gentle, he's generous and he provides well. Many will tell me that I'm stupid to want to leave, but we've had ups and downs, we're great friends but we're not intimate and after 8 years despite counselling (very reluctantly by him) I can't see this improving, his words: "he just simply isn't interested in being intimate with me". We went half a dozen times, he didn't like the councilor so we stopped, I asked him to pick one he liked then, I asked again and "oh my bad I forgot", then I asked a third time and "yeah yeah..." - I'm not asking a fourth - I'm mentally exhausted and I can't live my life feeling rejected, unloved, undesirable and teetering on the edge of depression from it.

Before anyone says it, he knows how I feel, I have mentioned divorce before, I've always shied away for the sake of family (we both come from divorced parents) and because I hate the thought of hurting him. Just because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him doesn't mean I don't care greatly about him.

SO - this diary is both about my mental and personal journey - and the brutal factual side of financially making sure I can cope, that my family is taken care of and can afford to do what we need to.

Debts - we both have some, nothing massive and frankly if I stayed another year we would be more than debt free... his bonuses are... *cough* generous.

We have separate accounts and cards - we do hold a joint mortgage. The house has a fair amount of equity in it, I don't want it, it was bought together and I don't want to stay there without him so I am happy for him to keep it or us to sell it. He can afford to buy me out by remortgaging if he wants to do so.

He earns a LOT more than I do, financially my ONLY worry is really that on my own I can manage but I will never be able to give our child all the awesome stuff she has now - her dad will though.

I have no ideas of what I'm entitled to - my view is that I barely feel entitled to half of our marital assets because he earned the money that paid for most of it. I know it's not logical really, but I probably need a little encouragement to make sure I get something to make sure I can provide for our child when she's with me...

I have no issue with him as a dad, he's fabulous, and I know he won't see me go without. But I don't want to end up at a point where he becomes resentful over what I get or he has to give me... Nor do I think it's his job to pay for me!

I would probably need to move to a cheaper area and that would potentially mean a long distance between us, how on earth I'll work out school arrangements I have no idea. I expect our child will want to live with both of us which I think is great, but the logistics is giving me sleepless nights

More details to follow as and when I gather up the courage to post it. First I need to get brave and approach the topic with him to start the snowball I guess

So, uhm... hi!

Girlonalake wrote: »

Hi Guess Who, I'm always lurking but never posting on these sites but felt compelled to reply to you. I'm in a kind of similar situation with a very kind, caring husband but truthfully we are more like housemates and there is no passion anymore and I feel devastated by that fact but I'm emotionally exhausted trying to change the situation. I'm in quite a bit of debt at the moment but I'm hoping this will improve in the next 12 months and then maybe I can look at the divorce option. I hope that you are able to move forward with your plans and wish you lots of courage in the upcoming weeks.


Girlonalake

I had friends who were in a similar situation to you.

Both of them had affairs and were quite open about it. But they stayed together and supported each other in their different spheres right until he passed away a few years ago.

Their way of life suited them. I'm not saying it would be for you but is it something you've ever given consideration to.

Like Sourcrates above, I'm divorced and live alone. But I have a lady friend who I stay with for a few days at a time or she comes to mine and stays over. We go on holiday together. But I would never move in with another person again. I value my freedom too much.

We can each tailor our lifestyle to our suit our own requirements. It doesn't have to be the bog standard husband and wife living together.

Have you given thought to doing something which would mean you didn't have to move out of the family home and suffer all the consequences it would entail but give you a life in which you will find fulfillment and make you happy?

Keedie

Hi GW,

I have never been married, so I don't know what it is like to contemplate divorce. However, I have been a single mother since I was pregnant (my ex ran a mile at the news of having a baby with me!), which is hard not to take personal. But such is life.

Being a single parent is incredibly hard but special and rewarding. And if you have a good father to your child, then you are more than half way there. When they are not interested, do nothing financially or physically for a child that you created, it is hard to swallow.

I have also been asked why my son is nearly 10 and I have not had another child, and tbh, I have not been in a serious enough long term relationship since he was born, as I have been cautious of men after his dad behaved the way that he did. :mad:

I know it is not a consolation for your own life/circumstances, but just try to think of the positive. The fact that you will be in a position to share the parenting, have time and your own space to heal from all of this, whilst sharing a deeper bond with your daughter, irrespective of where you live or the financial payout that you will receive, will be a silver lining to what I imagine is a very dark cloud at present.

Also, children are very resilient and adapt to difficult circumstances. If you get your daughter involved in the process of looking for flats/houses, and choosing her new 'other' room, then it may help her to adjust to the changes. Although I have lived in the same place for a long time, when my son decided to no longer talk to his dad, as a 'fresh start' we repainted his room and I brought him some more grown furniture for his new chapter in his life. It didn't solve that much, but he was distracted by all the nice things that he could do with his 'new' room, and invited all of his friends over to play in it :rotfl:

Good luck with everything and take care,

Keedie
xx