Just need to vent

downnotout78

Dont know if this is going to be an appropriate place to post but just feel the need to vent really..I split up with the father of my children 4 years ago and 28k in joint debt..he decided to avoid all responsibilty leaving me to deal with it, on a positive note I have managed to get the debt down to 14k, but not without problems and difficulties.
First of all the house went and we are in the hell of rented accomadation..which I hate..I now have 5 or 6 defaults but only one debtor left to pay.
I have met someone else which is great but he has no idea of the stress I am under in my mind everyday, nor the desperation I feel in to get out of this debt, on friday I came home from work to a new Audi sat on the drive which he had bought for himself as he has no debt and for 18 months was living with me for £80 a week whilst I was paying everything, yes I know I am a bit of a mug.

All I want to do is buy a house, something for my children when I am no longer here, sadly this is never going to happen, with at least 2 years left on my DMP and numerous defaults and at the age of 38 I am now destined to live in a bedsit somewhere when my children fly the nest...feel so fed up and just needed to vent to..well anyone who feels like reading:(

dirtycredit

Look how much you got the debt down by already!! You are strong and resourceful so don't tell yourself otherwise. Two years will fly by and then all the money you earn will be yours and the kids.

I've been out with a couple of blokes like this - one even borrowed money off my nan (which I didn't know about a the time)while he had thousands in the bank and drove a BMW. There is a reason why they can afford expensive stuff while everyone else struggles. I can imagine you're annoyed with yourself more than anything but you know what you need to do. Do it for you and your kids. Either you split everything down the middle or he can go and spend a grand a month on bills in his own flat like the rest of us!!

Chin up x

enjoyyourshoes

Why not sit down with him and talk through the situation, everything.

Identify the different debts, interest rates, term and any rep.

Agree a plan to meet the objective of being debt free in x months/years.

Start considering help to buy isa (if either or both are first time buyers)

Agree long term objectives and put these into financial terms (holiday of lifetime, buy home, have x savings etc e.g.)

Not all individuals are spenders and many partners are really supportive when the facts and truth are identified.

andyfromotley

Hey your kids will do just fine without you leaving anything to them, millions of us manage just fine without windfalls from parents, so let that bit of parent guilt go!!

Gazzafatcityboy

Hi there!

As others have said.. you have done great already!...

The thing is about your new fella you really need to think about how serious the relationship is. I often see on the forum partners who don’t tell their other halves about the status of their finances.

Not only does this cause a lot of stress between the two of you but it always is one sided. One side has a lot of debt the other doesn’t and it definitely leads to arguments.

If you’re looking for something long term you have to tell them everything including your finances… It’s a hard step that’s for sure. It was for me and my partner at the time. We had just moved in with each other and I couldn’t hide it any longer.

I told her obviously.

There were tears of course and we didn’t really speak for about a week. She had every right to leave me and she though long /hard about it. She loved me enough to look past my indiscretions and knows that there is a future between us.

What helped is that I gave her a plan about how I was going to clear all the debt and we are just about there now, I cleared about 25k in about a year which I am super happy about.

We lived different lives, she walks to work, always made her own lunch and never really spent any money. She never understood why I had to spend any money at all really.

She had a small savings pot which is good and I had nothing.

Please speak to your other half about it, its going to be painful but worth it in the long run.

Gaz

Smodlet

What these guys have said, especially Gaz. Integrity is a rare and wonderful thing. I suppose he could have told gf about the debt before she moved in, but that might have killed what is clearly a beautiful, meaningful relationship before it really began. Gaz's partner clearly thinks he is worth whatever she may have had to sacrifice... and just look at how much money we as a society waste on pointless things. Love, like integrity, cannot be bought with money but it does demand honesty.

Firstly, please remember what an amazing accomplishment halving a debt of such magnitude is. Well done, you! That is your anchor. You will leave your children a wonderful legacy: They will have had the example of a brave, determined, strong woman who refused to be defeated. That is more valuable than a house, which would have to be divided up, anyway and who says you will never get there? You just might.

OP, I do not want to upset you but, as Gaz said, just how serious do you think this guy is? Either he is the genuine article, another rare and wonderful thing, or he is just along for the ride, if he is paying you "board" of £80. Does he think of you more as his partner or as the person who cooks his food, does his washing, cleans up after him, do you think? I sincerely hope he is the real thing and just does not realise the situation you are in. Perhaps, once he does, he will be appalled at his profligacy and do everything in his power to help, stand shoulder to shoulder with you. Or, perhaps, he will fail to see why he should shoulder anyone else's debt... either way, it might be a good idea to find out sooner rather than later, do you think?

It depends on what you want and on how you feel about this man. Only you know the answers but I wish you the very best of luck.

Muttipops

Hi, Have you spoken to any of the debt charities about managing your debt, so that it is not such a burden to you?
Just a thought.:)