Hidden debt causing misery

ariel17

Hi everyone

I've never posted a question before so please excuse me if this is in the wrong section. I've often read sections of these forums for advice over the years so i thought this might be the place to post my problem.

This post isn't about me, i have experience of living with debt as my husband once owed around £10,000 and kept it hidden for a while. Thankfully we managed sorted it out over the years and now we're in a much better place. This post is concerning my mother, whom i'm extremely worried about as her partner of 20 years has run up huge amounts of debt and it's having a horrendous effect on her and my youngest sister who lives with them.

My mum is a cleaner and my step father is a mechanic working in a garage, they've never had much but always seemed to scrape by and own their own home with around 8 years left on their mortgage. 6 or 7 years ago my mum came across some credit card statements and a loan agreement amounting to £25,000 in my step fathers name. My Mum was extremely upset and after a few weeks she confronted him about them. He made up lots of excuses and said that he'd cleared half of them already, with what i don't know. Their relationship has been very poor for at least the last 10 years, they can't communicate and my step father is quite abusive towards my mum verbally and emotionally. They are only together because they cannot afford to sell their home and separate. They wouldn't have enough money for a home each and my mum is in her early 60's now and earns minimum wage as she has all her life so it's a very difficult situation.

Fast forward a year or so and my mum again found statements hidden in the attic this time for another loan. Again she tried speaking to my step father but he just shuts her down, won't discuss it or even admit it. Once again he said he'd cleared it all and wouldn't discuss it any further. He has been doing this for the last 6 years and my mum is now a wreck. He is regularly refused credit, he tried to take out a contract for a mobile phone for my sister who is 16 but was refused, recently a bailiff turned up at the house for an unpaid bill. Yet he still says there's no problem, turns nasty and won't discuss a thing. There is never any money for anything and their home is falling into a state of disrepair, yet he will not agree to selling it, which is what my mum wants to do to get something smaller that doesn't need £15000 plus spending on it.

They have a joint mortgage together and I feel my mum has the right to know how much he actually owes because it directly effects her and my younger sister. It's causing my mum so much anxiety, she looks ill, hasn't slept for years and as my step father will not talk to her at all so it's worrying her to death, quite literally.

I imagine by now the debt is much higher than £25000, i believe my step father has been using credit to pay the bills, food, anything and everything he couldn't afford etc. over the last 16 years or so which was when my own father stopped paying their mortgage as myself and our middle sister moved out. My father used to pay £550 per month to my mum to keep my middle sister and I. Once that stopped and my youngest sister was born I think money became a huge problem as they're both earning minimum wage and it wasn't covering everything. They've never been spenders, my mum can't do anything or go anywhere because there's never been any money and she's never taken out credit, she's done without.

I am hoping someone here has some advice on what we could do to handle this situation? My step father is livid that i know about their situation but my mum has had no one to talk to as he won't discuss a thing. At this moment in time my husband and I live in a 2 up 2 down and don't have the room to take in my mum and sister but I'm hoping in a few years time when we move home we can get something with a bit more room and my mum can move in with us permanently so she can have a bit of a life.

I am finding it quite hard to understand why we cannot find out the extent of my step fathers debt when it effects my mum and sister so much. This doesn't seem right to me as they have a mortgage together, and if one person in the relationship won't talk it seems like it's just tough luck on the other! Surely this cannot be right?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, any comments will be gratefully received.

Ariel

sourcrates

Hi,


Sounds like a very toxic relationship all round, best advise I can give is to up sticks and go, I couldn't live like that.


You cant force stepdad to talk about his finances, sounds like there's no love lost between them, she should cut her losses and move out, ask the council for help, find a cheap bedsit, woman's refuge, I don't know, it sounds like the debts are just a side show here, the main performance is the fact the marriage seems doomed, from reading between the lines, that's how I see it !!!

Pixie5740

The reason you can't find out about his debts is because they'll be in his name only and he will be the only one legally required to repay them regardless of whether or not he has a joint mortgage with your mum.

I agree that the debts are just a sideshow and your mum would be better off leaving and divorcing him. She's only 60 and has many years ahead of her, I'm sure she doesn't want to live another 10 years like this.

Even if your mum couldn't afford to buy somewhere else is they divorced she should still be able to rent somewhere, with or without, your sister.

Upsidedown_Bear

It might be worth you or your mum contacting Womens Aid for advice. Financial abuse is one thing they can help with and it sounds like that may be happening with your mum.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Bobarella

So sorry Ariel..really does sound a horrible situation. I can only offer my sympathy and to say I do have some understanding of the situation from own experience. My dad was a drinker basically kept my mum short the whole time they were together. Told the worst lies and was not a nice man. He gave her £50 a week keep from the time they were first married until they finally split up. She had to feed a family of 5 on that (3 kids, them plus 2 dogs) & do anything else that he deemed her responsibility. I really hope your mum gets out.

QueenBeruthiel

Could your mother cover the mortgage herself if she kicked him out?

Your mother should arm herself with information about her rights, from Women's Aid, CAB, etc. Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation: check your local press.

andyfromotley

If i was a betting man i'd predict that your step dad id a compulsive gambler. Debts of that size are unlikely to have been run up on just living expenses unknown to mum. However whatever the cause it needs to be sorted.

1. She needs to check her own credit records and make sure that no credit has been taken out in her name without her knowledge (or the house remortgaged) Both scenarios are not unheard of.
2. She needs to figure out how to deal with this . She can ignore it and carry on. \or she can force him to confront it. This will be very difficult as he is using aggression to avoid this, he will make it very unpleasant and difficult to deal with this. I agree with the womens aid advice and legal advice. But this is going to be long, hard and messy.

Helvetica_Van_Buren

All the signs point to your stepfather being a gambler.

MoneyMission2015

andyfromotley wrote: »

If i was a betting man i'd predict that your step dad id a compulsive gambler. Debts of that size are unlikely to have been run up on just living expenses unknown to mum. However whatever the cause it needs to be sorted.

1. She needs to check her own credit records and make sure that no credit has been taken out in her name without her knowledge (or the house remortgaged) Both scenarios are not unheard of.
2. She needs to figure out how to deal with this . She can ignore it and carry on. \or she can force him to confront it. This will be very difficult as he is using aggression to avoid this, he will make it very unpleasant and difficult to deal with this. I agree with the womens aid advice and legal advice. But this is going to be long, hard and messy.

The first thing I thought when I finished reading, was that your mum should check her credit report just in case anything is in her name. If there is something in her name, she will need to decide whether to report it as a fraudulent application. If she doesn't, then legally your mum would be liable for any debt in her name and if things do get messy, it sounds like your stepdad would have no problem leaving her with this debt.


Also she will need to confront your stepdad about this but I would suggest that you and another family member does this with her, so that she has support. Your stepdad might not like this, but he's not talking to her alone, so maybe somebody needs to force him into the realisation that this isn't going away and it needs to be dealt with. I also agree with the advice to one of the organisations mentioned to get some proper advice.


Apart from that, I hope your mum gets something sorted so that she can enjoy life a bit more than she has in the last 10 years. It must be taken such a toll on her and is also unfair on your younger sister, who should be enjoying her childhood.


Good luck to you and your mum x

Brightspark87

I have the deepest of smpyathies with you and the story seems to echo that of my MIL's....

We would do anything for her to leave her current partner - he is an abusive alcoholic. she is much the same financially - no debt personally but does only have a min wage job.

we have offered to help her pay a deposit on a rental property - although not a long term solution gives her an escape and then we can see how she can move on with the cash from the house sale. However, as she approaches 60 too she doesnt want to leave him.

All you can do is try to help her disentangle their current affairs and take the very good advice above.

Most of all try not to let it get you down - you need to support her but also ensure you care for yourself emotionally too. x

National_Debtline

Hi ariel and thanks for taking the time to post.


I can only agree with my fellow commenters that it's a very sad story you recount. I think your mother has to look at addressing the cause of her unhappiness, rather than the symptoms. In other words, the relationship is the issue, much more so than any debts that might be lurking. There are organisations that can offer her help, but if she can count on your support it will be that much easier.


Dennis
@natdebtline