Mortgage issues & separation (long thread)

thechuffmeister

I separated from my ex-partner in November. We're not married. We have one child between us who will be nine years old in May.

I am at a cross roads and would like some advice.

We own our property as Tenants in Common. We have owned the property for approximately 14 years. We have a mortgage that has approximately 7 years left to run. I currently have the property on the market for £395k and we owe approx £75k.

During the relationship, I have paid the mortgage and all utility bills etc for 9 years. The agreement was that my partner could go part-time when we had our daughter, but would increase her hours and and income once she was back in nursery and school and resume contributing towards the house. All bills were paid from a joint account, where I contributed between £1200-£1320 per month and she £400 per month (for food). Unfortunately, she continuously overspent on her joint debit card (i did't use the joint card) and did't put any further funds in (food shopping at M&S etc). Eventually, I asked her not to touch the joint account as she continuously made it overdrawn until it was pushing -£1200+. I of course paid this overdraft off.

We both work a shift pattern of four days on, three days off. I currently work three days (have other business interests) and she works two. Four years ago, she refused to go back to work for an extra day to earn more money and make a contribution. She has been earning approximately £80 per week cleaning (cash) on top of her £1120 take home salary. Basically, the refusal to contribute was the beginning of the end (she said some quite nasty things). This aside, I have continued to cover all the bills (currently £1200ish per month).

Since the split in November 2015, I have asked her to pay her half of the bills and she said she cannot afford to. She has done three shops at Aldi since this point totalling £450 (in three months) compared to my £3600- £4000k. Her bank statements basically look like a high street retail shopping list. Due to the fear of her running up more debt, I froze the joint account and moved all payments to my sole account. I had to clear my last overdraft with a credit card which is still outstanding at £4000. Yesterday, my existing overdraft is £4440. I cannot afford to continue like this.

Our 8 1/2 year old daughter doesn't want to be at home or stay with her mother. I've had the school calling whilst I'm at work to say that she has been crying at sometime because she doesn't want to be picked up by her mum. For the past 10 days and a proportion of December and January, I have been living at my mothers with our daughter. On the 21st January, she purchased a Mini Countryman for £10250 cash and has been hiding it up the road.

I went to mediation last week to try and come to an agreement. I offered three things:

1. She moves out of the joint property, I continue to pay the mortgage, household bills and utilities until the property is sold.
2. We both move out of the property, split the mortgage and building insurance and then split the proceeds of the house when it sells.
3. I move out of the property, pay half the mortgage until the property sells.

As you can imagine, she isn't interested in any of this, but decided that she wanted to mention 'Schedule 1' of the Child Act and CSA payments (our child doesn't even want to live with her). She said that she cannot afford to support herself and won't take on extra hours at work. She is also making selling difficult, I guess as she's living rent free. She is also now taking the £82 per month child benefit, that originally contributed towards the joint household bills.

So what do I do? I need to find a place, but cannot afford to pay £630 per month and then rent a place of my own. I cannot continue to live at my mother's with my daughter. Our daughter does't want to go home with my ex in the house, but I have to work shifts in the evening and cannot stop my ex from picking our daughter up from school etc.

I contacted Nationwide to see if I could could take a repayment break on the repayment mortgage, but apparently it isn't available for my product. They said I could pay the interest only, but it would adversely affect our credit score (currently very good). All i know is that this cannot continue. This needs resolving asap before I end up in more debt. I have another appointment with a solicitor tomorrow, but at £215 per hour + VAT it is expensive and they recommend dealing with either custody or property at any one time. My daughter is my priority, but I also need money to live.

On top of all this, she has started to make up load of lies. All sorts of rubbish came out during mediation (apparently, she now feels threatened and I'm aggressive etc). I've never laid a finger on her in 20+ years. She called the police last week because I broke back into our shared bedroom whilst she was out (she had changed the locks on the bedroom and had been locking our daughter into the rest of the house at night and turning off the telephone). I found lots of my things she had taken in the room (post, accounts etc). She told the police that she was living in fear when they came round etc. So now, if I try and discuss, she'll simply start spouting all of this rubbish.

Something has to give. Sorry about the long post, but I need to get out of my mother's house and my daughter needs to get some degree of normality back.

Advice please!

csgohan4

Record what she says as evidence.


You need a good lawyer


But at least your divorcing your accounts shared with her. That is a must.


Warn her that since the house is in both your names, defaulting and repossession will affect BOTH your credit files and mean getting credit in future will be near impossible initially.

Thrugelmir

thechuffmeister wrote: »

2. We both move out of the property, split the mortgage and building insurance and then split the proceeds of the house when it sells.

Your ex moves out once the property is sold seems the most obvious compromise.

.

thechuffmeister

We're not married, fortunately.

Somehow, it seems unreasonable for my ex to live there whilst I pay for everything and not pay for a single bill.

MortgageMamma

Hi there, this is so sad, I've been in a similar situation back in 1997 so I can imagine how bad you are feeling.

I think the first thing you need to consider here, before the financial side of things is where your daughter is going to live. Not only is it absolutely crucial for her happiness and future wellbeing, its also pretty important where selling the house is concerned.

One thing I would say to you here is do not be afraid to make big changes to your life and work habits - I know you feel you stand to lose a lot financially and that your ex-partner is running rings around you where money is concerned, but that feeling of helplessness and frustration you have regarding those issues is a drop in the ocean compared to the PAIN you and your child will feel if you don't make the right decision regarding your child, as you can guess, I know this for fact.

You need to consider why your child does not want to live with it's mother. You need to consider what his/her life would be like if left with the mother (whom based on what you are saying sounds high maintenance, selfish and wreckless). If you feel your child would be better living with you, then you need to fight for that. You also need to be sure that you child isn't "people pleasing" i.e. telling you one thing, telling Mum the same thing. Its a common thing for children to do to pacify feuding parents especially when they fear losing one or the other parent. Once you have established this you then need to make the decision where your child will live and how you are going to go about getting custody, if at all.

If you are going for custody it is very important that you DO NOT leave the family home. If you have a look at the childrens act, or speak to a solicitor they will tell you the same. Keeping the status quo for the child is very important, same bedroom, same home, same family support network. Your child is bound to be unsettled at school. I understand your ex is picking her up at present, but if you are going for custody it would be wise to tweak your work hours to try and collect the child a few times a week. You could ask your employer to change your hours on compassionate grounds and to care for your child. You'd have to check employment law but I do believe this is something they cannot reasonably withhold if you have a permanent contract.

It goes without saying that your ex will most likely push for full custody of the child and she will know full well that if she has custody she gets to stay in the house and you have to continue paying "maintenance" that will probably just fuel this excessive diva lifestyle you have decribed. If you get custody, not only does the child have a more stable upbringing but you get the better financial settlement, I believe in this case no sale can be forced on the property until the child leaves education.

As for the financial stuff, you have done the right thing separating the finances. Make sure you keep details of everything you have been paying and will continue to pay, along with shopping receipts with your card number on. The financial issues will take a while to resolve so in the meantime, perhaps you should shop only for the child and yourself, and leave your ex to fend for herself. Speak to a solicitor about the fact she's not contributing presently and see if that is grounds to insist she moves out. Once she's out you've won 2/3rds of the battle.

Hope this helps somewhat, I know it sounds cheesy but stay strong and don't let the ex call the shots or push you about. Put a lock on your own room and keep your private documents there, or hidden at your mothers house, the less she knows about your plans the better.

MM

MortgageMamma

One thing I forgot to add is KEEP A DIARY

this is very important. When it comes to giving reasons to a court welfare officer about where your child is going to live, you need to have records of what has happened when, and its easy to forget minor things. Make sure you record all the times your child cries at school for you, the times when her mother upsets her, the fact she's locking her bedroom door at night when you are at work so your child cannot get to her in an emergency, the refusal to contribute financially etc.

If your child says anything unusual to you record it. If she doesn't want to go home from grandmas, record it. If mother says something unpleasant to child about you, the future etc record it. You may really need all this evidence in the future.

Regarding your mortgage, I don't believe nationwide have been very helpful - are you tied into a particular product and for how long? I'm not suggesting you remortgage, just trying to think of a way to reduce your outgoings without damaging your credit rating.

Floxxie

Great post MortgageMamma.

There is no such thing as custody now and the courts aim for shared care in terms of parenting. If you are wanting full residency then you are going to have to work out what is in the best interests of the child, and most importantly engaging a solicitor who has experience in this. And do this now, rather than wait for your ex to cause any other problems for you.

MortgageMamma

Thanks Floxxie. Every now and then I see stuff on here that really makes me want to go all out to help, its usually when I've been in the same situation or I feel life has been particularly harsh to someone, and if I can help someone avoid falling into the same mistakes I did its time well spent!

Thrugelmir

thechuffmeister wrote: »

We're not married, fortunately.

Somehow, it seems unreasonable for my ex to live there whilst I pay for everything and not pay for a single bill.

Hence why I used the word compromise. Sanity is worth more than money in the general scheme of life. In the years to come money can be rebuilt. The scars remain deep for very much longer. If it becomes a war , which at the end of the day no one wins. At the moment you are living with your mother so your outgoings are low. Something no doubt you ex is aware of.

thechuffmeister

Thanks MortgageMamma, your reply is appreciated. I have taken further legal advice today. It isn't an issue if I move out. I have contacted the mortgage company too and although it will damage our credit ratings, I have enquired about making an arrangement to pay only the interest on our capital repayment mortgage. This way, we can get out of the house and avoid the toxic atmosphere. Life is too short! Thanks again for your reply.