Lost

Wanderlust_Nell

Hello all,

I'm not really sure what to write.

I'm not in a huge amount of debt but it's plenty big enough for me and I want it to be gone so I can start to live. Something I don't feel I do at the moment, something I feel like I've not done for a long time.

I'm at the stage where all my friends are married and having babies. They're settled with careers and families and yet here I am, feeling left behind. I feel unable to move out of living with my parents whilst I have credit cards to pay off. I did move out 4 years ago to a small cottage in a village, encouraged by a friend who was also my boss. I managed 9 months of living on my own before I realised I was going to get myself into financial trouble if I carried on. I was lonely, I didn't go out as all my meagre wages went onto rent, food (I say food, I barely ate), bills and petrol…It was at this point a friend made me go to the doctor as I was constantly in tears, I had stopped eating and seeing people. I don't open up well to people, I guess the Dr was the first person I had almost opened up to ever. Still I didn't open completely, took the pills she prescribed (eventually) and got off them at the first opportunity. My job moved 12 miles away (nearer to where I was living before with parents) so I was having to fork out more for petrol. The thing that upset me about this situation was my friend knew they were closing the shop that I was working in at the time she was encouraging me to move nearer to my place of work…still she said nothing to me as I moved to the new cottage. Anyway, I bit the bullet and with my tail between my legs I headed home with the intention of leaving England as soon as possible.

I was going to go to NZ. I got sorted, paid off my overdraft which I had gotten into, paid off a credit card and concentrated on getting my car payments done and dusted out the way. A friend who had emigrated to NZ was getting married so my plans to get out there and see her were escalated, I had enough saved for a flight, my wages went on travel insurance and buying bits and bobs. I booked my flight and by the time January 2014 came round I made my final car payment. Applied for a credit card (that made it my 3rd one but there was nothing on the other 2) and off I went on my adventure, to witness a friend get married and whilst I had made the effort to get to the other side of the world, I thought it would be daft to stay for less than 6 months

My intention was to work, I had paid for the working visa and so off I went. The work didn't materialise, travelling around got in the way of finding substantial work and credit cards were my friend. I would worry about that when I got home. I had the best time and honestly wouldn't change my time down under. I had spent 6 months in Fiji back in 2007 so decided I would head back there for a few weeks whilst I was so close.

Now, 2 years on, I need to make the final push and pay off this trip. I don't know if I want to buy my own house, travel the world or have a high flying career. I have never known what I have wanted out of life. I want no debts. I want to see the world. I want to stop feeling such a failure with life. I want a life. I'm tired of being lonely. Travel, even doing it alone, takes away the loneliness.


I don't expect anything from this post. I just feel I need to write this down…

bobobski

I hope writing it down helped - I know sometimes it can help to write it down and know somebody read it, which makes it different to a diary.

Your post spoke to me, as I feel a lot like how you describe much of the time. Unfortunately, seeing the world requires planning and money. It's something you can work to save up for, but it sounds like you went out and did it on debt, then came home and had to pay off the debt without the trip to look forward to. Part of me would absolutely love to pack up and move to the other side of the world (just this time last year I was looking into it) but your problems would only follow you.

And there's no such thing as a "failure with life". If there's something you want to change, then change it. But do it sustainably - there's no point jetting off to NZ with a whole bunch of debt following you. If you really want to move there, then work towards it. Trust me, you'll never work harder and scrimp as much as when you have a goal in mind. Also, I think NZ has fairly tight immigration requirements, so you need to be in certain industries to be able to move there. I suggest you look at that sooner rather than later and use the time while you're building up your funds to work out how to satisfy their immigration requirements.

Good luck.

brokebuthappy

bobobski wrote: »

Your post spoke to me, as I feel a lot like how you describe much of the time.

Me too. I hope someone more insightful and eloquent than I am at this moment can reply with some advice/encouragement.

Wanderlust_Nell

Thank you both for your comments. It's funny how writing things down helps the thought process along.

I always find myself thinking that my 'problems' aren't actually 'problems' in the grand scheme of things. I have a roof over my head (albeit not my own), I have plenty of food, I have my health, I have a full time job, I have a very close, large family (who drive me mad at times but wouldn't change them for the world…well, I might alter one sibling slightly…) and so I make myself snap out of whatever is going on in my head.

The other day (when I posted this message) I was beginning to feel, I guess sorry for myself. A close friend had announced her pregnancy (completely out of the blue, not expecting that news at all!), a colleague (younger than me) was excited about moving into her new house she'd just got the keys for and a friend of a friend had announced on Facebook she was engaged…I was also asked the question "what have you got planned for this year?" and that was the tipping point for me… But I guess it was also my LBM and so getting credit cards paid off is what I have planned for 2016!

mrsbee17

I always find myself thinking that my 'problems' aren't actually 'problems' in the grand scheme of things. I have a roof over my head (albeit not my own), I have plenty of food, I have my health, I have a full time job, I have a very close, large family (who drive me mad at times but wouldn't change them for the world…well, I might alter one sibling slightly…) and so I make myself snap out of whatever is going on in my head.

It's all relative however, no-one can tell you to think or feel differently regardless of the blessings you have. I often find myself frustrated with how small our house is etc. but then I think "at least we have somewhere to call home" but I still think I have a right to feel frustrated at my own situation, and likewise yourself.

If I was in a similar position to yourself, I'd take this oppurtunity (whilst still living with parents) to save and pay off as much debt as possible whilst planning your "next adventure" so to speak so you have an idea of how much money you'd need to set aside for it.

Think of what you want out of life more... from your post, it sounds like travel is very much at the top of the list so you should consider how much you want it and go for it Good luck!

yuiop220

[QUOTE=Wanderlust_Nell;69899619I_was_also_asked_the_question_"what_have_you_got_planned_for_this_year?"_and_that_was_the_tipping_point_for_me…_But_I_guess_it_was_also_my_LBM_and_so_getting_credit_cards_paid_off_is_what_I_have_planned_for_2016![/QUOTE]

Make 2016 your year!

I'm looking at a possible move to working abroad. It was working abroad or getting a flat. I decided life is about experiences and I can get a flat when I come back.

Have you thought about Australia? If you are under 30 it's very easy to get a working visa.

I met a guy when back packing who lived to travel. He would live at home, work 2 jobs, save lots of money for 18-24months and then go travelling for 12-18months. Another guy used his life savings and dumped everything on his CC and chipped away at it when he was back home.

bobobski

Wanderlust_Nell wrote: »

I always find myself thinking that my 'problems' aren't actually 'problems' in the grand scheme of things. I have a roof over my head (albeit not my own), I have plenty of food, I have my health, I have a full time job, I have a very close, large family (who drive me mad at times but wouldn't change them for the world…well, I might alter one sibling slightly…) and so I make myself snap out of whatever is going on in my head.

I'm glad you're starting to feel a bit better. I just wanted to add, how you feel is not something you can control nor is it something you should ever feel guilty about. You may have your health, a roof over your head etc but that doesn't mean you're not entitled to feel down about other things (or even aspects of those things). The trick is not to get caught in the downward spiral - trust me, I've been there several times.

I'm so glad you have an action plan though. Excited for you :beer:

Kitten868

I think you should work for a cruise ship type company. You make loads of money without opportunity to really spend it, free roof over your head and you get to travel the world for free!!! I have a friend of a friend who has done it and she's so happy. She's living a totally different lifestyle. Cocktails in Monaco? Ok! Day trip to France when she's home? Fine - she's got the money and the reignited drive.
That solves your problems
Don't worry about what you think you should be doing or what others are doing. They are focusing on their life goals so should you be too. Pursue what makes you happy. Alternatively you can work teaching English in a foreign country with cheap or free board.
You are seeing this all as problems. It's not. You have no commitments - mortgage, great job, partner, kids. You're a free bird. Chase your dreams and make your friends jealous xxx

LJB290

I think you've hit the nail on the head by saying that you feel lonely. Its only natural when people around you are announcing engagements and pregnancies etc etc.
You are certainly no a failure no "behind".
Have small things to aim for everyday to try and stay positive.
Travelling doesnt have to mean going away for months on end - you can travel at a weekend to somewhere you've never been before or organise a trip travelling abroad for a couple of weeks - like you said, its less lonely when you're travelling and you may start meeting like-minded people!
If you have wanderlust - what's the point in owning a house and being "stuck"!!!

How about finding a new hobby or doing a bit of volunteering to get out and help other people who have very little? There are some very interesting people out there!
It sounds like you're a bit stuck in a rut which is bringing you down a bit!

Muhren

I know how you are feeling wanderlust as I have had the same thoughts\feelings myself. I will be 33 in a couple of months and most of my mates are either married, have kids, or are at least in a relationship and I feel like I am lagging behind.

My darkest days were back in 2011/12 when I really hated my job. This made me ill, enough for me to be off work for a couple of months. I too didn't want to see anyone and spent most of my time in my house by myself. I ended up having to move back with my parents due to financial problems as well as health and I am still there at the moment.

I start a new job next month and will hopefully move back into my house in September sort of time. I am hoping that this next chapter will be a happier one for me. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone in how you are thinking, as hard as it is try not to worry what others are doing (something that I am trying to do). One thing I would say is try and do something that makes you happy, I like the suggestion of working on a cruise ship. Do you think that is something that would appeal to you?

another_casualty

It's amazing sometimes when a lot of people think people who live on their own& are single live an easy life compared to married people .
I'm single and confused,and still don't know what direction to take .
It's not as easy as it seems .
I'll be keeping an eye on this thread .
Wishing you all the best