Flo's Debt Free Diary

Karonher

Glad you had a good day.

If you are looking for survey sites, there are many that I think are better than YouGov. They have gone downhill in the last year or so.

Prolific have a lot of short but regular surveys and Populus pay well.

Florence_J

Karonher wrote: »

Glad you had a good day.

If you are looking for survey sites, there are many that I think are better than YouGov. They have gone downhill in the last year or so.

Prolific have a lot of short but regular surveys and Populus pay well.

Thank you for the suggestions, I am open to any suggestions, I know I flirted with the idea briefly but having a weekend job is going too far, but I do need a bit of a supplement income especially with the big 'C' event that happens each year getting nearer with each day....that's all I'll say on the subject.

Florence_J

I'll be honest, I have had a bit of a challenging week. I was in a complete state last night, just sobbing in the kitchen.

Today was better. Today was quite good. Today was alright.

I was doing some googling, and came across a post about borderline personality disorder and it sounds like it fits me. I asked my boyfriend to read up on it and see if he felt it described me and he said 'Some things are spot on, other things don't sound like you, but then it does say that it won't be all of the signs'.

It all sounds like me, what I was reading about, there was one thing that was not me at all and that was people with borderline personality disorder can't cope with being alone whereas I am absolutely fine with that. I even enjoy it.

I think, if I am honest, I want 'a label'. I want something clinical, I want a name for what I am, I want to be described and prescribed. I want someone to label me with a problem, but maybe I am just looking to be more interesting than I really am.

There have been many moments in my life when I did feel that being hospitalised might not be the worst thing for me. But something holds me back. I guess seeing my family go through a lot with my mum keeps me struggling on and fighting to be normal and well even if it is that very fight that is making me ill in the first place.

I am trying to find a quote from a Jean Paul Satre novel I read as a pretentious/precocious teenager and all I can remember of it is 'I am my own beginning', which sort of fits. It seems to fit how I feel.

crazy_cat_lady

Love to you Flo - I understand some of these tough times. Do you have any sort of official diagnosis? I often think my dh has more than the depression he's diagnosed with, but I don't know if any other diagnosis would make a difference to him. He has been hospitalised a couple of times, which has actually really helped him because it gives him a total break from everything so he can focus on getting better.

Florence_J

crazy_cat_lady wrote: »

Love to you Flo - I understand some of these tough times. Do you have any sort of official diagnosis? I often think my dh has more than the depression he's diagnosed with, but I don't know if any other diagnosis would make a difference to him. He has been hospitalised a couple of times, which has actually really helped him because it gives him a total break from everything so he can focus on getting better.

Thanks as always for your kind comment CCL.

I have never had an official diagnosis. I'm not sure if I do have anything wrong, what I will say is (and don't judge me here) but when I was looking into it yesterday I did two online quizzes (and again don't judge me for taking this as gospel, because I'm not) and on one I got 'higher than likely chance of having BPD' and on the other I got 'you are suffering from bpd'.

I'm not saying I believe two online quizzes that are probably not sanctioned by a medical professional over the words of a real doctor, but as a guidance, maybe there is something to it.

Florence_J

I NEED SOME ADVICE

Hi guys,

I'm going to go a little off topic here. But I could use some advice.

Me and my OH are always arguing about 'bedtimes', not in a s e x y way, and I suppose there are worse problems to have, but I'll explain.

My OH is terrible at going to bed on time. We don't have a fixed bed time, but since I have to get up at 5.30am we try to be in bed by 10pm.

This almost never happens.

My OH has sleep difficulties and has been suffering from insomnia for a long time and has had some sleeping pills prescribed.

The trouble is OH is terrible at going to bed at a sensible time. When I'm tired, or when I think it is bedtime, I'm like 'bedtime' and I decide we should go to bed.

The trouble is OH is one of those 'I must do one more thing' type of people and will work himself to exhaustion finishing up loads of little jobs.
The other trouble is he is an artist so is usually working on graphic work or a painting in the evening, and when he is tired he will make a mistake and then freak out and then spend an hour or so correcting it.

You may be wondering what the problem is. If I'm tired I should go to bed, and let him come up when he is done.

Except OH tells me he needs me to bully him into going to bed, that I have to be there to force him and bully him into stopping what he is doing and tell him to go to bed.

This all makes me feel like he is keeping me hostage downstairs, as I have to be there to 'help him' and I can tell him till I am blue in the face that he has to go to bed and it feels like he is ignoring me.

If I go up to bed without him, he gets annoyed at me.

(I think part of the trouble is his parents, as much as I love them, did everything for him and his sister as kids and even now treat them like incapable children)

The reason why OH gets annoyed at me for 'not helping him' is because he basically is 80% of the reason I get up in the morning and get to work on time. Because I am pretty exhausted in the mornings (as a result of going to bed late) and if I'm honest I probably would be late for work if he is not helping me.

Simple answer would be that we both take responsibility for getting up in the morning and going to bed on time.

But OH needs me to help him, and I benefit from having him help me.

It's clear that our sleep is suffering from having terrible bedtimes, it is not unusual for us to go to bed not that long before midnight.

I am a pretty deep sleeper, can fall asleep anywhere and sleep through most things, so when I do sleep I tend to have better quality of sleep compared to OH who gets very little sleep.

Something needs to be done, does anyone have any suggestions?

Karonher

Glad you are feeling better.

Someone I know had her daughter assessed at about 8 and there was a list of about 18 areas where they thought she was different to other 8 -year-olds. They still did not have a label or diagnosis at the end though.

It covered twitches, lack of concentration and answers to a lot of questions. Over the following 8 years, all of these have pretty much gone. Have you noticed any of your habits or conditions changing?

With regards to sleeping, I am more like your OH. If he wants you to help him could you keep a diary for a couple of weeks? If at the end you could show him how much you tried to help and how you were ignored, it might make him change.

Florence_J

Karonher wrote: »

Glad you are feeling better.

Someone I know had her daughter assessed at about 8 and there was a list of about 18 areas where they thought she was different to other 8 -year-olds. They still did not have a label or diagnosis at the end though.

It covered twitches, lack of concentration and answers to a lot of questions. Over the following 8 years, all of these have pretty much gone. Have you noticed any of your habits or conditions changing?

With regards to sleeping, I am more like your OH. If he wants you to help him could you keep a diary for a couple of weeks? If at the end you could show him how much you tried to help and how you were ignored, it might make him change.

I think to an extent I have always had them, but they seem to be getting stronger/more intense/more frequent as I get older.

I have developed very weird 'rules' for living my life by and I am basically trapping myself into a life of misery.

I don't celebrate my birthday because I am convinced if I try to organise something no one will turn up.

I don't add people on facebook because I'm convinced if I did and they accepted they would be doing it out of pity and that they wouldn't actually want to be facebook friends with me.

I keep my phone always on silent so that I don't know about phone calls as phone calls terrify me. If I need to make a call I will do so in my time. They only person I feel comfortable talking to on the phone is my boyfriend and even then I have to fight the urge to hang up.

I stress/comfort eat in times of crisis

I'm going to say something truly 'disturbing' now. In the back of my mind I sort of have this idea that if my life doesn't work out it's ok as I can just....commit suicide.
(NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE THAT AS A WAY OF LIVING)

I am impulsive.

I flit between emotions very easy.

It can take the smallest of things, something that to a healthy mind would be a non event and it can ruin my entire day. I call them my 'triggers'

People can become 'dead to me' in an instance.

I got into debt because I was a compulsive shopper.

I will try and look into BPD again and come back with what it is about it that sounds like me.

I am so convinced that I am going to let people down by being useless that I deliberately sabotage situations and have on a couple of occasions ruined friendships and opportunities because to me that is a kindness as if I let people believe in me I would just let them down.

One of my biggest regrets is I could have been in a relationship with my boyfriend a year earlier. He met me first in 2010. Upon meeting me he realised he wanted to be with me.
I knew this, but I could see that he was a 'nice' guy and I didn't think I deserved a nice guy, so my logic was to treat him badly so that he would fall out of love with me, because this was better than if we were to go out because I believed I would ruin his life if we did. Luckily he is persistent and he wore me down and I realised I was acting unbelievably idiotic. We could be together for the rest of our lives and I know on his death bed I will be distraught that I missed out on an extra year with him, because there will never be enough years for me to love him in.

I have a habit of idolising people (as well as insanely hating them) and can develop strong crushes on people, regardless of sex. Despite being a very private person if I feel that way about someone I will tell them all my secrets.

I had a habit, at University, of basically groping my female friends.


All these things came up on the tests I did.

armchairexpert

Darling Florence, you're so nice and you remind me so much of a friend of mine who also lives with the constant fear that people will be angry at her or disapprove of her. Even your posts are full of this - you pre-empt criticism about things ("don't judge me but" and lots of caveats about how you're not really complaining, you know you're lucky, etc, or imagining that your boyfriend is making huge life decisions because of your failures when he's not) when we're really not about to jump on you for anything!

Anyway there's a huge gap between "no help" and "hospitalised" - I can't remember, are you under any sort of therapy? Why not start by finding a counsellor who really understands you, rather than going straight to the idea of voluntary committal? I know it's a cost, but it's really really worth it - your life could be so much easier and happier than it currently is, and you're worth the time and money to make it so.

armchairexpert

About bedtimes - I get that he helps you in the morning, but do you get angry at him when he doesn't help? Do you ignore him five times and then blame him for not trying for a sixth? I think you two have to have some boundaries around this.

Can you suggest something like: "let's aim for 10.30pm. I will set a timer on my watch when it's 10pm so we both know to start winding down projects, and I'll remind you at 10.15. If having lavender oil or soothing music in the bedroom will help, I'll take responsibility for setting that up. But my cut off is 10.30pm. If you choose to keep ignoring me past that time, you're on your own". If you say you're going to bed and get up and he feels annoyed, his solution is to join you, not to insist that you continue to stay up and keep nagging him.