Xmas/Birthday Gifts for Distant Relatives?

meerkat2007

Apologies for the rather long post:

I have two first cousins, to whom I have never been particularly close. One lives about 55 miles away, and the other is about 220 miles away. Both have 2 kids and a partner - I have neither kids nor partner.

Several years ago, my mother and I, with the agreement of both of the cousins, decided that we wouldn't send the cousins Christmas presents (and they wouldn't send us such presents either), but we would send the kids a cheque for their birthdays and Christmas: not a lot, £10 (£5 each from Mum and me) to each kid for their birthday, and £20 (£10 each from Mum and me) for each kid at Christmas.

Mum and I also made the decision to stop giving Christmas and birthday presents when the kids reached 18 - we would double up for their 18th birthday, and then that would be it. I hasten to add that we never see these kids, and frankly, have no desire to see them.

June last year, the oldest kid reached 18 (mother is cousin 1). We doubled up on the birthday present, but come Christmas, we sent a cheque for the younger one only. My mother's birthday was in January of this year - no card from cousin 1, but she did get one from cousin 2. Cousin 1's second sprog had her birthday in February, so we sent a card with a cheque. We sent cousin 1 a birthday card in May, but I didn't receive one from her later in May (got one from cousin 2). We ignored cousin 1's now adult son's birthday in June.

Cousin 2's two kids both have their birthdays coming up in September. I know it isn't a lot of money, but as you will see from my sig, I have substantial debts to pay. Also, I and my mum are currently dealing with a rather large vet's bill for one of our two dogs.

With the kids' birthdays coming up and the bill looming, I am seriously questioning whether to carry on giving the under-18 kids Christmas and birthday presents.

So I guess my question is this: while trying to get to debt-free status, would you carry on giving Christmas and birthday presents to kids you don't see, and wouldn't recognise if you fell over them?

barbie_babe

If you dont see the chilldren i wouldnt bother.

knithappens

You need to focus on your own debts, I would just send a card. Those relatives i dont see i dont send gifts. And as of late I make sure my own house is in order and just really cater for my kids and a few very close relatives.

mrsspendalot

My cousins don't have kids, but I do and they don't send for mine, not even a card. they live at the other end of the country and we aren't really close. We have never sent cards for any occasion to each other - our parents do though and include the whole family on each card. I wouldn't bother myself.

crawley_girl

Stop sending and stop worrying!

:heartpuls CG :heartpuls

newleaf

Presents & cards are only for people you really care about in my opinion. Best advice is not to start sending in the first place, because you always end up with this type of dilemma. I agree with everyone else, stop now.

HairyHandofDartmoor

I would just send a card if it was me. If you never see them then it seems a bit pointless.

I have a large family and try to send only to close relatives for birthdays, even if it is just a card.

For christmas we tend to extend it a bit, but send something very cheap (like I will get a set of 10 books from The Book People for about £10, and then send 1 book to each niece for nephew. This way each child gets a nice book worth £4.99, but the cost to me is only £1 per child!)

You ought to put yourself and your own debt first, I think.

wendy_ann1983

My Nan (mums side) had 12 kids, I am one of approx 33 grandchildren and there are greatgrankids as well, we are all pretty close. There is no way everyone could afford to get presents for everyone else so the general idea is that the kids get stuff up to the age of 16 then 18 and 21. Most of the family cant really even afford this so just send cards but no one would dream of getting upset if they didnt get anything, we all know what its like to have money problems.

On my dads side were not close at all and theres not that many of us (nan had 4 kids, 8 grankids 3 greatgrankids) when most of us were younger cards were sent and occassional presents but then it kind of died out, its rare to even get a card now. But no one really cares.

After all that what i'm saying is you shouldnt feel bad, stop sending stuff, if you do feel bad then just buy really cheap cards and send them at xmas and bdays but personally if they are that petty i wouldnt bother at all.

beanielou

crawley_girl wrote: »

Stop sending and stop worrying!

:heartpuls CG :heartpuls

Couldent have put it better myself!

meerkat2007

Thank you all so very much for your replies. I had wondered if I was just being mean, but then again, logically, I didn't think I was.

The two cousins are sisters; their dad died in 2005, and his house sold for £100k. This is just a guess, but knowing him as my dad's brother, I can guess that he wouldn't have had much by way of debt to be paid out of his estate, apart from funeral expenses and solicitors fees. So I'm guessing that each sister received a fair sum of money from his estate, as their mother died a long time ago and he never remarried.

My mother, who doesn't know the full extent of my debt, is on a pension, and the company I work for has a totally cr&p policy towards pay rises. You have to wait at least 15 months between pay rises, they will only initiate a pay rise in one of 4 months in the year, and heaven help you if your turn falls in the last quarter of the year - as mine does this time. I was due for a rise in October, but it now looks like it will be January at the earliest - but then, the excuse will be that budgets haven't been set for the year, so I'll have to wait till April - 21 months after my last pay rise.

All of which means that money gets tighter and tighter, and my resentment towards having to subsidise these kids grows! :mad:

Once again, thank you all for making me realise I'm NOT Ebeneezer Scrooge! :T