Debt & depression

Ruby2015

This is a big step for me so please bear with me. I have done things that I am not proud of but I don't seem to be able to stop my self.

Until 2 years ago I was married with 2 kids. I owned my own home & had a job that I wanted. The marriage wasn't happy and we were in a perpetual cycle of payday loans and living on the limit every month. We both had good jobs (and income) but it seemed to be gone before we even got paid. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression in 2004 ... something I continue to suffer with. 2 years ago I decided that I didn't want to be in the marriage any more & so I moved out of the family home.

My Ex Husband has taken on the mortgage payment however he is unable to take me off the mortgage at the moment. There is a secured loan which I contribute £150 pm. I do not expect or want any equity (not that there is much anyway due to the secured loan).

I'm now with a new partner. between us we have 4 kids 50% of the time.

My car was repossessed just before Christmas. We have had bailiffs for council tax arrears. I have been given CCJ's for credit cards. and my salary is being deducted due to court orders.

My depression means I have difficulty with keeping organised & knowing what to do. I seem to be obsessed with getting organised but I never seem to be able to get organised. I have started thinking that there is no way out and even that people would be better off with out me (I am in close contact with my doctor).

Here's the difficult bit ... my partner and I are at the point that if 1 more thing happens financially then he has said he's leaving. I have hid things from him & lied about things (I am not proud of this). But I am so judgmental about myself that I do not think I can cope with someone else judging me. I have to try and get things sorted but where to start ...

please help.

Blue_Bird

Hi,

I've not got much advice, but didn't want to read and run. People that are more knowledgeable will be able to offer more practical advice, but you really need to give yourself a break. PND is horrible and it might be that that is clouding things and not allowing you to be objective to be organised. Maybe gather all your paperwork together and do a Statement of Affairs to start with. The fear might be worse than the reality. And even if the reality isn't great, as :money: says, there is no debt problem that can't be sorted.

Please look after yourself, there is SO much worth living for.

Blue

cakeforbrains

All debt problems can be sorted.

It's difficult to gauge, obviously, from one forum post, but what struck me about what you said is that your current partner isn't willing to support you, emotionally, through financial problems. He's threatened to leave. What you need to do is separate your money issues from your feelings about your relationship with him. You can sort the money thing. It can be sorted. But do you really want to be with somebody who doesn't make you feel like you can be open and honest with him?

Debt isn't a dirty secret. It's just a thing. It doesn't define you as a person.

In terms of starting places, I'd recommend that you get together figures for everything you owe (as far as possible), make yourself a cup of tea, and call Stepchange. They are a charity who can help you with your debts for free. (Don't be tempted to get involved with a 'debt company' that charges a fee).

You can do this. Money is just a thing. You and your children are what is important.

National_Debtline

Hi Ruby


Sorry to hear about your difficulties. I'm glad to hear that you are consulting your doctor and I hope and trust you will continue to avail of whatever support is on offer.


Clearly you understand that you need to take some sort of positive action to move forward, hence your posting here. Martin Lewis himself famously said he rarely sees a situation where there's no solution, and I wholeheartedly agree. I can understand that you feel it difficult to get organised, but you don't need to know your financial situation inside out to be able to get some useful, impartial and non-judgmental advice. I think you would really benefit from speaking to one of the debt advice charities - having a one-to-one chat about all this would only complement the support you can get on this forum.


Just a couple of observations for now:


- I'm not sure there is much point in you attempting to service the secured loan on the "marital" property at present. Is this arrangement part of your divorce settlement or is it a contribution you are making voluntarily?


- This next observation is not intended as any criticism of your partner, but it strikes me that by giving you this "one more thing and I'm leaving" ultimatum, he has (perhaps unintentionally) made you afraid to take the steps needed to get on top of this. Feeling that sitting on a problem is for the best, as opposed to discussing it openly and confronting it head-on, does not make a good foundation for a relationship.


Again, let me stress how useful I think it would be for you to contact one of the free advice charities - we'd be very eager to help.


Very best wishes


Dennis
@natdebtline