Off work- Don't know what to do.

AfterAllThisTimeAlways

Hi all,

Not sure what I’m looking for here really, maybe just to let some of this out & a bit of advice if anyone has any!

Recently things have come to a bit of a head for me & resulted in my doctor giving me a 2 week line for stress. Its a culmination of things to be honest, and now I’ve had a chance to think about it, it stems from a really stressful period in my life about 7-8 years ago.

I’ll try and keep this as brief as I can. Basically went to uni about 8 years ago, which was just after just meeting my Dad for the first time. We exchanged contact info for me to reach him I felt I wanted a relationship with him, but instead for the first year of uni I was constantly bombarded with texts, phonecalls etc, mostly in the middle of the night of him being hysterical, saying he was suicidal etc about leaving me as a kid. He’s also an alcoholic so most of this was drunken. I moved away for uni so this completely stopped me being able to settle in & make friends. I was tired, irritable, upset, and so after missing most of second years lectures as well, and being on anti depressants for a year, I cut contact with him & dropped out of uni & moved home. This was life shattering for me, I was the straight A,good girl in school & really wanted to do well and always planned to go to uni & get a degree.

So anyway I moved home, got a job in a call centre for a bank & met my now fianc!. The plan was to go back to uni at home but I didn’t get into the teaching course I wanted so stayed in the call centre. Fast forward and I’m still there 5 and a half years later. I have progressed and am on a decent salary, but I literally hate the place. The constantly changing shift patterns, the abuse on/off the phone, bad management etc. This is not the career I had in mind & feel I am totally wasted in there. However, I’ve got used to the salary, and it helped support my OH through 2 redundancies in the last couple of years, and also helped me buy a house for us this year (my name only) but I do feel a bit trapped. Not to mention the lingering student & other debt that we have as well.

My relationships as well haven’t been easy. I’ve moved 8 times in 8 years so it’s hard to maintain friendships, and as a result I don’t have many close friends, certainly no ‘best’ friend. My family live all over the world as well so don’t see them much. My most challenging relationship though is definitely the one with my mum. She’s leaned on me heavily all my life & I’ve dealt with things most children should never have to, what with the different men in her life, her drinking, what I believe to be undiagnosed bipolar as well as she goes completely mental at me sometimes for nothing. She’s hard work.

OH & I lived with her for 2 years, to give us a chance to save for a house, and also give her money as she was up to her eyeballs in debt (she still is, massive overspender, this also worries me sick about what might happen to her if she doesn’t stop). Living there took a toll on mine & OH’s relationship as well, to the point my OH freaked out the day I exchanged contracts on the house and broke it off (after over 5 years together). This devastated me as I just bought a house in my name, with the intention it would be for us both & to start a family. He came back a few hours later saying he was just freaked out & it was a mistake to leave, he loved me etc. I took him back and we’ve been in the house a while now, though I must say the hurt of him leaving me like that is still there.

So in a nutshell, I feel very alone. No friends, difficult family relationships with people who are more dependent on me than other way round, an OH who says he loves me & wants to marry me, but never shows it, not romantic in any sense etc and walked out at the worst possible time so find it hard to believe he really loves me.

I also feel very trapped in a job I hate, how can I leave with the responsibilities I now have? I’ve been for 3 interviews lately for other jobs but not been successful. I feel this is down to my low self esteem (I’ve also put on a LOT of weight over the last few years) & that I don’t feel I’m worth anything to anyone anymore. I feel I’ve no time for myself, I do everything for us e.g. all the finances, any work needs done to the house, cars etc, I also do the majority of this for my mum as well. I’m worn out with everything that’s been happened over the years and need some time to look after myself but don’t know what to do.

When I rang my manager telling him I was handing in a line for 2 weeks, his reaction was ‘well what are you going to do for 2 weeks, I need to know what you’re actions are going to be’. Typical middle manager, no people skills. Theres no ‘how to’ guide to fix stress, depression etc. They’re also calling me in for a meeting on Monday (even though sick line is until Wednesday) to discuss ‘how I am’ and what I’m going to do to ‘not be stressed’ in work anymore. Needless to say the thought of this meeting is only stressing me out more.

I’m planning to join the gym this week to try & tackle my weight (we’re supposed to be getting married next year, and I seriously need to lose weight if I’m going to feel in any way good about myself- haven’t had my photo taken in 5 years to give you an idea how rubbish I feel). I’ve also sent some enquiries to a few private counsellors to try and address some of the issues above. I don’t know what to tell work about how I’ll be less stressed in work. I was going to ask for a set working pattern so that I can take some control back in my life and try and get into a routine. The constantly changing hours make it so difficult to organise things, not to mention the havoc on my sleep & eating patterns. I don’t know if they’ll be ok with that. Don’t really know what else to tell them..I can’t exactly say its a call centre of course its going to be stressful, most people hate it & I just want to leave.

This all sounds so pathetic, I feel so guilty as I know people have much worse problems than I do. I should just be grateful I have a job, a house, a car and a fianc!. But I just can’t help feeling so down all the time and just exhausted. Please feel free to give me a virtual kick up the backside.

Sorry this was so long but I literally don’t have anyone to confide in. OH tries to understand, but just doesn’t get it.

Any thoughts on what I should do or advice for what to tell work will be much appreciated.

Thanks

Edit- I've just read my other post from March just before I bought the house & it's very similar to this one, if anything things have become more overwhelming

Alikay

I think your idea of asking your employer for a set working pattern is a good idea - certainly having a bit of structure to your days/weeks would be helpful. They may also be able to offer you counselling or stress management through an occupational health scheme (my husband's employer do this, via a national company-it's not just a pep talk with someone from HR!).

Also, rather than joining a gym, could you perhaps walk to work instead? Being outdoors is really good for you physically and mentally, and even a 5 mile walk will take less than 2 hours and is way cheaper than a gym.

heartbreak_star

Agree with the first bit of Alikay's post wholeheartedly - I had some counselling through Occy Health a few years ago and it helped.

The second bit is a good idea in theory but not so much in practise - a five mile walk for someone who's not used to it could lead to all sorts of issues. So I reckon the gym is a good idea - you can also strength train in there which is great.

Good Luck!

HBS x

Flyonthewall

I think the best thing to do would be to write a list with two columns. In the first column what you want to change and in the second column what you can do to change it.

Take things one step at a time. Set yourself realistic goals and start working towards them.

So you've attended interviews, which is a good start for changing your job. You need to start thinking more positive though.

You say about exercise. Not only is that good for weight, but it's good for stress too.

As for your fiance, if he's never been romantic perhaps it's just not who he is. Have you tried asking him to be more romantic? Maybe given him ideas? Subtle hints don't always work so you may have to be more direct about what you want. You could also organise some romantic things yourself.

You've had people leaning on you and causing you problems. Perhaps a day or two to yourself would be an idea. A spa day maybe as that will help you relax.

Another idea could be to write a letter to each person about exactly how you feel. It doesn't have to be a letter you send, but a letter for you as just a way of getting down all your feelings.

Do you still pay money to your Mum? If so it might be a good idea to stop. She'll never learn to stop spending if you keep giving her money. It might be hard, but it's her problem, not yours.

ricardinho88

Speaking from personal experience, leaving your call centre job will be one of the best things you will ever do, and will make you feel 10 times better. I worked in a call centre for 2 years and it was by far the worst period of my entire life.

Maybe take up swimming? It's easier on your body than the gym, and has all kinds of stress relieving benefits,

AfterAllThisTimeAlways

Flyonthewall wrote: »

I think the best thing to do would be to write a list with two columns. In the first column what you want to change and in the second column what you can do to change it.

Take things one step at a time. Set yourself realistic goals and start working towards them.

So you've attended interviews, which is a good start for changing your job. You need to start thinking more positive though.

You say about exercise. Not only is that good for weight, but it's good for stress too.

As for your fiance, if he's never been romantic perhaps it's jus not who he is. Have you tried asking him to be more romantic? Maybe given him ideas? Subtle hints don't always work so you may have to be more direct about what you want. You could also organise some romantic things yourself.

You've had people leaning on you and causing you problems. Perhaps a day or two to yourself would be an idea. A spa day maybe as that will help you relax.

Another idea could be to write a letter to each person about exactly how you feel. It doesn't have to be a letter you send, but a letter for you as just a way of getting down all your feelings.

Do you still pay money to your Mum? If so it might be a good idea to stop. She'll never learn to stop spending if you keep giving her money. It might be hard, but it's her problem, not yours.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I live about 10 miles from work, so not too keen on the walking to work idea! I did used to love going out for walks though- it was great for clearing my head and back in my fitter days used to enjoy running as well. I just thought the gym would be a good starter point as my fitness level is zero at the minute! The gym I'm looking at joining also has a pool so definitely going to give the swimming a go.

My fiance just isnt the romantic type as you say Flyonthewall, but he does try to show affection a lot & he does do a lot of small things for me so it's not as important to be 'romantic' i.e. big gestures, as I used to think it was. I think it's just more since our blip a few months ago, I don't feel as secure in the relationship as I used to so am looking for more reassurances from him. He is doing his best though.

I've stopped giving my mum money. She recently remortgaged her house to clear some debts, however didn't even use all the money the way she was supposed to. I've tried helping her best I can, showing her how to budget & use online banking etc, but she doesn't care so doesn't follow it. The frustrating thing is she's also worked in banking for more than 20 years :mad: so has no excuse. As for the other issues with her, that's something I'm hoping to get help with by talking it through with someone.

I have a meeting with my manager on Monday so will ask about occupational health and see if there's any support they can offer. I've asked my GP as well numerous times but never hear anything back. I've enquired about private sessions, but at about £40-50 a session I don't know how long I'd be able to do that. Think I will ask for a set working pattern, don't ask don't get I suppose.

ricardinho88- I would really love to get away from the call centre, but with no degree and no particular other skills, I don't even know what else I could do! Everything else asks for experience or qualifications, and with everything else going on I've not had time to do anything else (I try some open uni courses etc). I'll keep looking though.

Thank you again everyone, it's helpful to even just write it all out x

heartbreak_star

If you like walking and could build back up to running, may I recommend Zombies, Run!? It's a fab little exercise app with a great storyline

HBS x

Flyonthewall

AfterAllThisTimeAlways wrote: »

My fiance just isnt the romantic type as you say Flyonthewall, but he does try to show affection a lot & he does do a lot of small things for me so it's not as important to be 'romantic' i.e. big gestures, as I used to think it was. I think it's just more since our blip a few months ago, I don't feel as secure in the relationship as I used to so am looking for more reassurances from him. He is doing his best though.

I've stopped giving my mum money. She recently remortgaged her house to clear some debts, however didn't even use all the money the way she was supposed to. I've tried helping her best I can, showing her how to budget & use online banking etc, but she doesn't care so doesn't follow it. The frustrating thing is she's also worked in banking for more than 20 years :mad: so has no excuse. As for the other issues with her, that's something I'm hoping to get help with by talking it through with someone.

ricardinho88- I would really love to get away from the call centre, but with no degree and no particular other skills, I don't even know what else I could do! Everything else asks for experience or qualifications, and with everything else going on I've not had time to do anything else (I try some open uni courses etc). I'll keep looking though.

Thank you again everyone, it's helpful to even just write it all out x

Ugh I missed the t on just lol

Time may well be the only thing that truly reassures you. Everytime you get that feeling just remember that he is trying his best and the little things he has done for you.

It's hard to break such a habit. Sometimes knowing the right thing isn't enough. Maybe she'd do best seeing a counsellor? Aside from habit there may well be other reasons for her overspending.

It's never to late to go back to college/uni or change jobs. Do you have something in mind that you'd like to do? I'm betting you also have more skills then you realise! Work experience doesn't always have to be experience in the same field, many skills are transferable.

Pixie5740

I left my university course part way through and ended up working in a call centre for 18 months full time. I hated it. The thought of working there for the rest of my adult life was soul destroying. So after much researching I found myself in the position you are in now. No degree and no experience to go and do something else. I decided to go back to university and found the same course at a different university (I left university not because I didn't like my course but because of the people round me) who let me transfer what I'd done at the previous university so I could start in 3rd year rather than starting from scratch again. It was hands down the best thing I ever did. I did continue working part time in the evenings and one day at the weekend in a different (but still soul destroying) call centre whilst I finished university. I had a new job to start the day after graduation. :beer:

As for your mother, she is an adult. Leave her to sort out her own finances, drink problem and whatever other problems she has. She is not your responsibility and the more you let her lean on you the more she will continue to do so.

AfterAllThisTimeAlways

Thanks again for the replies and words of wisdom!

Pixie I admire you for doing something about it, getting out of the call centre is the dream at the minute! I would love to go back to uni but I just don't know how we could afford it! With just taking out the mortgage, the debts we have, and a wedding next year, it makes it more & more difficult to leave. Worth mentioning OH only gets minimum wage in a warehouse.

I think in the short term, getting another job, and just getting out of there would be a start. Then maybe once I've got out of it I can start looking into other options. I just feel like if I don't get out soon I never will. It was only meant to be for a few months..it'll be 6 years next year!!

pmlindyloo

Since it is sensible to stay in your current job because of your financial responsibilities then it might be a good idea to write down a few things for your meeting next week.

Try to stick to the facts rather than turning it into a rant about people/management.

So you could concentrate on changing shift patterns/abuse from customers/etc etc - basically anything that would give them a chance to help ( you never know!) They might put you on a course/change your pattern of work .

I like flyonthewall's ideas about writing down what the problem is and what can fix it so you could apply that to work. Just the physical act of writing is often very theraputic (spelling!) I certainly find this, Just having a to do list stuck on the fridge helps me. Something about getting a disorganised or fuzzy brain back into focus.

Ultimately you need to find another job I suspect but in the mean time............