Can't stop beating myself up

Lizloz

My head is in utter turmoil at the moment with so many "what if's" and "why didn't I do this 12 months ago"...I am having such a roller-coaster ride of emotions it's draining me.

Only a few short weeks ago, I had my true LBM - I wrote down my own SOA, down to the last penny and came to realise that we were very much overspending to what we had coming in. I made some major changes and managed to get my hubby on board and since sticking to an actual amount of what we can spend each week, I have not had to use my credit card and finally felt excited about our financial future, but lately I feel bitter....bitter about us (mainly me!) Bitter that I didn't set this budgeting up this time last year when we found out we were having another baby, why didn't I learn my lessons from when we had our 1st born, why this, why that, why, why....aaaaggghh!!! It's driving me crazy!!

I yearn and dream of the day when we can finally say we are debt free and I really believe we are now, after all these years, on the right path to our dream but my god...we could have been debt free years ago and I wouldn't be sitting here, panicking about what hours I'm going to have to work when I go back, how am I going to afford to pay for any form of childcare......I could (and should) be able to work part-time...or not at all....

I'm sorry for the rant, just needed to......doesn't feel any better yet

Bobarella

Hi there

I think what you are feeling is very normal. It's human nature to look back but as they always say Hindsights a wonderful thing. Now it's about facing forward and moving on. You can't change what you did before but you can change your future. It sounds like you've done all the ground work to make it possible to kill the debts and move on. Please try and be kinder to yourself. If this was your best friends situation not yours would you be so angry? We all make mistakes. You can get out of debt.

Good luck
Bob

Movingon5464

I just wanted to say i know how you feel. Since having my baby i have felt so guilty about my debt and rubbish financial situation generally because i cannot give her everything i want to. My maternity leave is coming to an end soon and i am heartbroken at the thought of having to leave her every day but determined to make it worthwile and be sensible with my finances from now on so hopefully i can create a good life for her. Dwelling on past mistakes does not change anything so we must focus on the future. I have goals for where i want to be by the end of this year, in 1 year and in 5 years. I am scared as i have always been rubbish at managing money but i have to do this now or i know i will always feel guilty. I want to give my child a nice home in a nice area and have money to take her on holidays and fun days out. I also want to be able to help her when she is older going off to university or buying a home. I know if i don't drastically change my ways i won't be able to do these things and will feel terrible. I expect most parents feel like this so we are not alone.

crazy_cat_lady

I totally get this, but there really isn't anything that is going to change what has happened. All you can do is chin up and move on... You have had your LBM now - and that is the important thing.

xxxJOJOxxx

Just be thankful your thinking it now and not in another 12 months times. You've done it, you've faced your debt and made a change now! Yes we can look to the past I think if only I've done it 12 months ago but it goes the other way too, how much worst could it had gotten? But it wont now that your tackling it. Look to the future, not the past.


Good luck x

rockm87

Do they say shoulda, woulda,coulda?

Dont worry its totally normal, and as long as you turn your frustrations into motivation to sort yourself you'll be fine. Think of all those people yet to get to their LBM and to feel that anger at themselves, theyre miles behind....by the time they realise you'll be well away and it wont feel like such a facepunch!

LittleDutchgirl

Hi there
Don't beat yourself up. I think that lots of people go through this when they first start debt busting. Hopefully in a few weeks you'll be able to look at your signature and see that you are making progress.
It does get easier as you go along - I promise!
LDg

Lizloz

Hi everyone, thank you for your lovely responses - it's nice to know I'm not alone but also sad in one way, that I know that there are other people who are having exactly the same thoughts and feelings as me.

I had a terrible night's sleep - I woke up at 4am, heart pounding, I felt like my body was shaking inside and no matter how hard I tried to talk myself out of it, I just couldn't get back to sleep...think I'll be attempting an early night tonight.

hiddenshadow

I had similar feelings when I was on my DFW journey - especially as my debt came primarily from wants (horses) rather than needs. Yes, I should have stuck to a sensible budget, put money aside for retirement, not bought a house in a crap market, etc.

But at the time I thought they were reasonable decisions (or I wouldn't have done it). Maybe my reasoning was faulty (quite often), maybe I was operating on incorrect information (house purchase/market situation), but I was doing the best I could at the time.

Now that you've had your LBM, you can only continue the same - make the best decision you can make at the time. You may discover that it was a crap decision later on, but as other posters have said hindsight is 20/20. As long as you're being thoughtful about things (and hopefully not too thoughtful/obsessed/stressed!) that's the best you can do.

For what it's worth, once I had my LBM it was like a complete switch - things I wouldn't have thought twice about suddenly got considered (buying random snacks when grocery shopping, paying extra for tv channels I didn't watch, etc) and fixed. That progress led to bigger wins, and my debt (approx. $41k) was gone before I ever expected.

(If you haven't heard of it, I'd also recommend Dave Ramsey's baby steps - he's a bit OTT in his approach and very religious/evangelical, and his investing advice is pretty crap, but for his debt payoff it really makes sense.)

Pixie5740

Worse things happen at sea.

You will cope and you will be debt free.

Is it actually worth going back to work if childcare will cripple your finances? An old colleague of mine was made redundant a few years ago and she worried about how to make ends meet. It turns out they were better off just having her husband working and her being a SAHM because they weren't having to fork out for childcare and I think were able to get tax credits. Being a SAHM was a real boon as that winter there was a lot of heavy snow and the schools kept getting shut. She didn't have to worry about finding childcare for those days and even started doing a bit of childminding.

Bluelala

Hi,

Just wanted to give u some support as I'm in quite a similar position, having recently had our LBM and many sleepless nights following this!
I can't really give u much advice, other than agreeing with others to not be so harsh on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and at least u have realised this and are now trying to rectify this. I cut up our credit cards, moved as much as I could to interest only and sat down and worked out a tight but liveable budget. I also used the snowball calculator that's recommended on here to give myself a timeframe as to when we could aim to be debt free and that made me feel more positive. Read some of the debt free diaries and challenges as they are so inspiring!
I think as a parent you feel guilt about everything so please don't beat yourself up. I got in a state thinking we'd messed up our children's futures as we won't be able to move for the foreseeable future which means it's likely my children will go to our catchment high school which isn't very good, but remind yourself that we are all just trying to do the best we can as parents.
Wishing you the best of luck on your journey xx