Backstabbing and talking behind back at work ...

Eliza_2

What on earth do you do about it?

I work for a small business in a small team, max 10 almost all part timers. Relationships between staff are absolutely awful, I've never known anything like it!! As one of the more 'mature' workers I try to pour oil on troubled waters and even spoke with the manager, the main perpetrator, and explained that as she does it then everyone else will. She says she knows she does it but that's just how she is and won't change.

Everyone knows she tells lies about stuff, she pretends to be your best friend and seems to take you into her confidence, you then find she has passed on everything you've said to the next person she talks to. It then goes on down the line, with the supervisor passing on titbits up to her and her then telling the next person what the supervisor has said and so it goes on. God this sounds like my young granddaughters talking about their schoolfriends.

Colleagues run to each other with all sorts of little details about things that have been said, you can't even chat with a customer without that being distorted. A colleague nearly walked out today having overheard a bit of erroneous gossip but doesn't realise she does it too. If you are successful in a sale or with an account, that seems to be worse than if you miss one.

Phew. Any ways of handling it please, that can benefit not only me, but colleagues and the business? Customers love us to bits and the business is doing well however.

agrinnall

Get another job and leave the rest of them to get on with it as it doesn't seem to bother them?

patman99

Is there anyone above your manager that you can raise a grievance with ?.

Depending on the type of business you work for, breaching confidentiallity may be severely frowned on.

Eliza_2

Thank you. No, only the business owner and he is elderly and isn't involved, other than to take his money. I doubt he would be concerned at all about any of this. I am seriously thinking of leaving but would rather find a way of putting it right for us all.

wiltsguy_2

ask the owner for a meeting, explain what is happening and that the manager he has employed is not doing anything to curb it and is often the ringleader.

Once you have explained that this is very counter productive and that he should consider making you manager where you could put an end to it, thus making the company more productive....and more cash for him!

KiKi

Alternatively, you could face it head on. Call a meeting when everyone's in, and just be straight and say "look, we all know this is what's happening" - don't make it personal to any one person, but recognise that everyone does it, and this is what happens each time "I confide in someone, that gets to someone else, and then it gets reported to...". Recognise that everyone hates it, and everyone complains to everyone else about it - but everyone is actually playing a part.

Then ask them : would they prefer to work somewhere that isn't like that? Or do they like the gossiping and backstabbing? If it's the former, ask them for suggestions on how to make it better so that people enjoy coming to work.

I think that - or talking to the owner - is your only real choice. That, or leaving!
KiKi

kelpie35

If your work is making you so unhappy, then you have no choice but to leave. Life is too short to be this unhappy.

If you are unable to take a step back, not become involved in gossip or chit chat, then your day might be happier.

You go to work to earn a living, not to socialise, but if you are the type of person that needs to socialise with colleagues, then I guess this environment is not the place for you.

It is not your job to sort out arguments between colleagues, it is your job to do the tasks allocated to you, then go home and enjoy your life.

ERICS_MUM

KiKi wrote: »

Alternatively, you could face it head on. Call a meeting when everyone's in, and just be straight and say "look, we all know this is what's happening" - don't make it personal to any one person, but recognise that everyone does it, and this is what happens each time "I confide in someone, that gets to someone else, and then it gets reported to...". Recognise that everyone hates it, and everyone complains to everyone else about it - but everyone is actually playing a part.

Then ask them : would they prefer to work somewhere that isn't like that? Or do they like the gossiping and backstabbing? If it's the former, ask them for suggestions on how to make it better so that people enjoy coming to work.

I think that - or talking to the owner - is your only real choice. That, or leaving!
KiKi

I'd do this but I'm a self-confessed pushy assertive bossy woman manager who relishes sorting out staff issues and can't stand by and let this nonsense carry on !

Not everyone likes or can "do" confrontation though. Are you mainly women and if so is it possible to add some men to the mix by moving staff around ? I don't know why people act like this. Your "manager" for example is nothing of the sort. She shouldn't be friends with staff, she shouldn't even be on the fence trying to be all things to all people. She is paid to be firmly on the employer's side and manage staff and workload within the employer's terms to achieve maximum performance. Doesn't mean she can't be friendly with staff but they need to know she is their boss. Most staff work better if they know what's required of them, have firm but fair boundaries and consistent processes for dealing with failure, flouting Etc.

Sorry for the lecture, it's just so much money is wasted in companies by this sort of nonsense - people management or lack of can make a real difference to the success of a company. IMO.

jayII

I've managed situations like that by keeping my head down, working hard and being pleasant and helpful where needed and keeping well clear of the gossip. They'll soon stop b***ching about you if you don't give them any reaction or ammunition.

As kelpie said above, I go to work to earn cash, not to socialise. I'm pleasant and friendly, I attend necessary work social events, but I'm very clear about the work colleague vs friend boundary.

TBagpuss

Be a black hole.

Don't respond to, or pass on, gossip or comments made to you about others.

Don't respond to things others say about you - if someone comes to you with "X just said that you...' then have a standard, non-committal response and use it every time (e.g. "I'm sure X will speak to me directly if s/he has any concerns" )

If you are interrupted when you are with a client / customer, then have a standard response (e.g. "I'm with a customer right now - please s-mail me / leave a note on my desk and I'll get back to you when I am free" )

You can't stop it happening but you can reduce the extent to which you are a part of it.

The key to keeping out of it is to be polite and non-committal. I think telling people they are gossiping / back biting, however tactfully you do it, is unlikely to work because people are likely to get defensive an/or start accusing each other or you) rather than working on the issue.

I think with the manager, if she has already said to you that she is 'like that' you might be able to go a little further and say "I'm not. It makes for an uncomfortable working environment. I don't want to hear it" when she starts to talk to you about any of your colleagues.

Depening on circumstnaces, I think you can sometimes address it 'in the moment' but only if you include yourself so it comes across as less of a criticism. (e.g. "I'm sure it would be interesting but I am trying really hard to cut down on how much I get involved in gossip or office politics" - that way, you are making it about you not them, but you are at the same time identifying the behaviour as gossip /office politics, which most people like to think they don't do, so it may help some of your collegues to recognise thei behaviour for what it is.

All that said, if that is the office culture you are unlikely to be able to change it single handed.

Fireflyaway

It doesn't sound like its going to change. My gut feeling is either try not to let it bother you or find another job. I don't think you should have to do either, but in reality unless everyone changes nothing will improve.