Help needed please

kitty74

Hi All,

This is my first time to post anywhere on this website although I have read numerous posts about just about everything. My story in brief. I came to the UK 20 years ago at age 21 with a partner that turned out to be anything but perfect in fact to put it bluntly a covert trafficker. Long story short, it took me 13yrs and two kids later to escape mental and sometimes physical abuse for both be and my kids. I had always worked really hard and have had a good credit record up until then. In 2008 I woke up to find bailiffs and police bashing down the door of my home as I was getting ready to go to work. My ex had not been paying the rent and had even ben to court and got an eviction order which I knew nothing of until that morning. Most people wonder how I managed to not notice all the crap he did for all those years but unless you have been in an abusive relationship with no support system while thousands of miles from anyone who gives a crap is hard to work out.

Anyways that January day in 2008 my journey with debt started. I was homeless with two kids, no one to help but determine to use that opportunity to start a life without him. A friend housed me and my kids for 3 months while I looked for shelter. The council could not house me as according to them I was not a priority despite the fact that I earned a mere 23k annually. So I went to my credit cards and had to get a deposit using a credit card cheque, bought a little second hand car, pay for childcare for my son who was 4 at the time and so on and so forth. This was okay I could get the payment done but then the children got bigger and they ate more and clothes cost more even at Primark! And worst still I got threatening letters from British gas saying I owed 3k in gas energy arrears from our previous house! I had always put the money for the bills in what was my bills paying account and my Ex would always say that the gas and electric was paid once I gave him the money. I then got a letter from the benefit office in 2009 saying that I had claimed benefit while working back in 2000. I tried to explain to them that I had not actually claimed any benefit and the situation with my ex but the person on the other end was so brash and threatening I gave up. Basically they said that the only way to avoid a criminal record was to pay the money back so I got stuck with a benefit bill of £2700 claimed in my name because the benefit agency could not be bothered to investigate and also because my ex had skipped the country and I was the only link they had to the address and British gas arrears of nearly 3k. Long story short I started using my credit cards to cover essentials like transport, childcare, food and so on as my private rent took 2 thirds of my take home pay and the rest went into paying debts. I even tried to get a second job where I worked a full week with overtime in my day job and then worked Friday night and a Saturday night in a care home and had to leave my 11 year old daughter to watch her 6 year old brother overnight. I did this for 3 years but the stress on the body made my immunity so low that I was ill so often and I could not take a sick day off because I was terrified of losing my job and becoming homeless again. Eventually in December 2011 I gave up the care job because I was so depleted to hold both jobs. By bthe way my Ex managed to empty savings accounts I had setup for the kids before I realised which he never put any money in to begin with.

I am now 40k in debt at age 41 and even if I am managing to make the minimum payments monthly I am basically using debt to pay other debt which is crazy. I have been so depressed sometimes I have felt suicidal. I finally talked to step change yesterday and they were very helpful. They gave me options and said that my options right now will probably be an IVA or bankruptcy. I am scared of doing anything that will mean I cannot get some form of credit for a long time because of my family circumstances. Being a renter means I can only rent private and I think a bad credit record means if my landlord chose to stop renting to me I would have to go out there again and raise a deposit and pass a credit check which would be impossible if you are going through the IVA or bankruptcy. Also my family and especially my parents are getting old and I know I will need to make a costly trip one way or the other in the next few years to see them as my dad had a stroke in 2013 which has left him not as strong as he used to be and without an emergency card to use for flights I would be stuck. I am also worried about retiring as this means I have to reduce my pension contributions to bare minimum and a not sure if the child trust fund I setup for my Son would be safe either.

I am so scared and so lost. I cannot sleep or function at all. I put a brave face in the office but no one knows how bad I have got it because I am not the kind that finds asking for help easy and so far in my life history people seem never to really see me or think I need help. Maybe that is my own doing for always being so stoic and getting on with things. I had started seeing a therapist but this is deemed an non-essential cost so that would have to go as well which is the only place I could really talk openly. Sorry for rambling on I just needed somewhere to vent and figured there are people here who had had worse Than this so I can be “naked” here without feeling so much shame. How bad is going on IVA or being bankrupt am terrified. L

National_Debtline

Hi kitty


It sounds like you've been through an awful lot and I don't envy you any of it. I'm glad to hear though that you found it helpful to speak to Stepchange and get some advice.


Hopefully some of the forum users who've personally been through IVAs and bankruptcy - are there are many of them - will be along to offer their experiences.


To address a couple of the concerns you have about the effects of these options:


Child trust fund: any existing funds ought to be perfectly safe, assuming vast amounts of your money haven't been diverted in there simply to hide them! This is hardly likely - it doesn't sound as though you'll have been in a position to do this. In bankruptcy/IVA, you can continue to deposit money into such a fund within reason with the Official Receiver/supervisor's approval.


Potential costs of travelling to see parents: this is harder to plan for as you don't know exactly when you might need to make that trip. If it arose midway through a bankruptcy or IVA, the supervisor could use their discretion to pause any payment arrangements to help you meet the cost - they operate to strict rules but ultimately they are still human beings. You can't safely rely on always having a credit card available to fund such a journey, however - it sounds like your cards are already close to being maxed out and credit providers can reduce or withdraw what they offer you with little warning.


Renting elsewhere and passing credit checks: I imagine your existing landlord is very unlikely to want you out simply as a result of a bankruptcy or IVA - if your rent is being paid and you are generally a good tenant, I'm not sure why they would want the hassle of having to re-market and re-let the property. If you do have to rent elsewhere, it is true that most letting agencies will run you through a credit check and will see any bankruptcy or IVA from the past six years, but that isn't an automatic block to your chances of being offered something. Again, as above, if you had to raise a rental deposit midway through insolvency, allowances can be made for this by your supervisor. Do you have any specific reason to believe your landlord would want to evict you?


Whatever the level of your debt, if it is making you feel poorly then it is not worth letting it dictate your life choices at all. An option like bankruptcy may have short-term effects but these are all geared towards allowing you a fresh start without debts weighing on your mind - and peace of mind is the least that anyone deserves.


Finally for now, I would strongly encourage you to "ramble on" as much as you like on forums like this one - it is free therapy! The same goes for telephone services like Stepchange and ours - it is our job to listen and help however we can.


Very best wishes


Dennis
@natdebtline

Samoens12

I know exactly how you are feeling and I hope you have had some help and are moving forward

debt_doctor

Hi,


It is good that you have began to seek help as your situation will soon force you to act anyway. It will soon be that you cant meet the ever increasing minimum payments on your cards, so you will default and the credit will end.
My first question to you is, without making any payments to any form of credit could you pay your essential costs such as rent, c/tax, gas, elect, food, clothes and others?
It would be useful if you could place your SOA on here for us to look at. (as you have read the forum extensively you will have seen these posted)
Then we can start to help and unravel any issues.
There is always a way out of debt and in to a controlled life moving forward.
DD