When to stop child maintenance payments

Sox77

DH has an 19 year old who we both love. We have always paid an agreed amount (£70 per week) to her mother (who she lives with full time) and made this a priority on our list of outgoings even when we've been struggling (quite frequently unfortunately).


Last week we discovered that this money is given to DSD as a sort of pocket money! I was quite stunned when I found out and disappointed. DSD is terrible with money and has twice run up phone bills over £1,000 as one small example of just how bad.


Obviously we will continue to pay while DSD is in college but what should we do after that?


DSD is lovely but not very motivated and I can't help but feel she will finish college and do nothing and I don't want to support that but would it be right to stop paying, her mum will still have to support her after all... alternatively she may enter an apprenticeship or low paying job, should we still contribute then?


I really do love DSD it just drives me a bit loopy that she is so wasteful and allowed to be by her other parents, especially when we scrimp and save to meet the maintenance payment.


Anyway would appreciate some advice, not so much legally as I guess I could google that, but what people think is right and fair?


TIA
Sox

eve31

I think you sound like a lovely step mom. Yes while she is at college you are still legally obliged to pay. With regard to how the money is used, if it is being used as pocket money, a 19 year old will need money in her pocket to buy clothes, social life and transport costs, if she goes out with her friends at the weekend she may use it as spending money. If she buys some new jeans and underwear that could easily cost £50 one week, if she goes for a meal and cinema with friends that could cost around £30. Money doesn't go far. While ideally it should be for the whole range of things, towards the consumption of electricity and gas she uses, food she eats at home and transport costs to college and college materials.

When she finishes college she will hopefully get a job or go onto higher education and although not required to pay maintenance to her mom anymore, you could still support if she can't afford new clothes or shoes when she needs it, have a step daughter, step mom fun shopping trip, she does need to stand on her own two feet. If she leaves college and isn't motivated to get a job giving her £70 a week would be a bad idea and not help motivate her. If she wants the extras and a good social life she will have to earn it as an adult. If she is really struggling for basics though mom and dad whether separated or not should help out.

The reality is young people can not afford to live by themselves and are at home a lot later in life, and should pay housekeeping but when they are only earning a small amount, their parent/s may forgo any housekeeping to help them save or maybe take a small amount.

I'm sure you will work it out and it will be fine.

shoe*diva79

£70 is not a lot of pocket money a month for a 19 year old who is at college. Your husband should continue to pay until she leaves college and then its up to him if he wants to continue contributing.

As far as her (your SD) being terrible with money, she will learn the hard way and there is nothing you can do about that!

borkid

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

£70 is not a lot of pocket money a month for a 19 year old who is at college. /QUOTE]


The original post said £70 per WEEK. It all depends what is meant by pocket money. My two had to buy none school clothes out of their pocket money which was a fair bit more than if i had bought them clothes.

justontime

You sound very reasonable and your step daughter it lovely to hear that your stepdaughter has a happy and loving relationship with you and her dad. I assume your husband is paying as part of a private agreement, if that's the case try not to rock the boat because you have a lot to loose. Things can become difficult (for all concerned) when you have to deal with CSA and it would be a great pity to risk the happy arrangement that you have.

Unless you are paying massively above what CSA would assess what the PWC does with the child support money is not your husbands business, but if they are on good terms he could tactfully have a word with her mum about encouraging her daughter to save. For what it's worth I agree with you that it is a lot of money for your step daughter to be wasting but maybe it isn't quite the way she makes it sound. My children never had that sort of money in their pockets to spend because I couldn't afford it, like most young people they had to get part time jobs if they needed more money.

The issue of when to stop paying is complicated. My husband has recently come to a private agreement with his ex for his daughter. He offered to pay the mum at slightly above CSA rate until his daughter is 20 providing she still lives with her mum. We talked about this and thought it was reasonable because her mum will still have costs if she is at home whatever she is doing re work/education. If she needs support after age 20 (eg if she is at uni) we will continue to support her but at that point it seems reasonable to pay his daughter direct but we would want to involve her mum in that decision.

Sox77

Thank-you all so much for replying, I really appreciate the time and thanks for understanding that it's not that I want DSD to go without

eve31 wrote: »

... If she buys some new jeans and underwear that could easily cost £50 one week, if she goes for a meal and cinema with friends that could cost around £30. Money doesn't go far.

I hadn't really thought about this, but you are right, we always use Tesco Clubcard vouchers to go to the cinema so I forget how much it costs, and how much teenagers spend on clothes! I could cry when I think how much I used to think was a reasonable amount to spend on them when I was a teenager

borkid wrote: »

My two had to buy none school clothes out of their pocket money which was a fair bit more than if i had bought them clothes.

This is a fair point, we don’t really know what the money is for. DH and his ex are very civil and there is certainly no animosity but they just never really communicate and haven’t since DSD was 13 and started arranging things with her dad on her own.

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

£70 is not a lot of pocket money a month for a 19 year old who is at college…As far as her (your SD) being terrible with money, she will learn the hard way and there is nothing you can do about that!

Thanks shoe*diva, it is £70 per week but you are right about learning – I had a job throughout sixth form and money from my parents and still had nothing to show for it!

justontime wrote: »

it lovely to hear that your stepdaughter has a happy and loving relationship with you and her dad. I assume your husband is paying as part of a private agreement, if that's the case try not to rock the boat because you have a lot to loose. Things can become difficult (for all concerned) when you have to deal with CSA and it would be a great pity to risk the happy arrangement that you have.

Hi Justontime, we do all have a nice relationship, I think DSD mum has always been very supportive of DSDs relationship with her dad and although I have only met the mum a few times she’s always be lovely and friendly and it definitely does make us not want to rock the boat. We are paying about three times more than CSA suggest mostly because it’s what DH always paid before he met me J DH never talks to DSDs mum at all, not because they don’t get on, he says nice things about her, they just don’t communicate so that makes it difficult to raise anything too!

Thank-you for your ideas regarding how you and your DH are resolving it, that seems sensible! I had thought about maybe paying DSD directly when she’s finished education as you suggested so will mention it to DH. Our children at home don’t get that sort of money either, but they are younger and there’s more of them so it hasn’t caused an issue yet J

shoe*diva79

Sorry, mis-read that it was per week and not month.

specialboy

£70 a week is an outrageous amount of pocket money, a hell of a lot of working couples don't have that much between them when all the bills are paid. She is in for a wake up call when the maintanence ends and she has to try and earn her own money. No one is doing her any favours however well meaning you all are.