'Balls to the Wall!!'

OnlyICanDoThis

Hi all,

I’m BTTW and I am in debt. Lots of debt. More debt that I could ever have imagined in my worst nightmares, and more than anyone I have ever known. I have friends with mortgages less than my debt. I am sick and tired of spending every waking moment worrying about my future, that my debt secret will come out and my world will come crashing down. That I will miss the boat with life and be left behind. All because of stupid debt. Stupid debt mainly due to stupid gambling. Stupid Blackjack. Stupid, stupid me.

I am in my early 30’s and live with my mum. I cant afford to move out. She knows I have debt, my lovely, supportive boyfriend knows I have debt and they know I am still living at home until I have paid it off, but they don’t know how much it is and the reasons behind it, I cannot and will not tell them as they will both be devastated and disappointed. I must sort this, I will sort this.

Good news is that I know I have a problem, I have addressed it, the gambling has stopped. (It started when my lovely dad passed away a couple of years ago). I have never missed a payment on anything and my credit rating is good. I have had my LBM. I have managed to pay off approx £5k since October. The problem is that it will take me so long to pay off my debts despite paying off a substantial sum every month that I just feel like I stood at the bottom of a huge mountain that I have no hope of climbing. I find myself constantly wishing time away, wishing it was payday, wishing it was 2,3 or 5 years down the line and then my debts would be less. I must stop this, I must live for now, I must cease with the negative thoughts and ‘woe is me’, I am so left behind all my friends attitude. Only I can change my life, and I must, and I will!

I will not be posting a SOA, I will (probably) not be sharing (not at this stage anyway) how much I owe, I just cant, but I think having a diary will help me check in, and it would be great to look back in years to come and look back over my journey.

I will do this, I will not give in.

I am a long time lurker and today finished reading the diary of Hok3y, she is completely inspirational and uplifting, her attitude to paying off debt is amazing and I know because of her I can and I will do this. She says you have to go in ‘balls to the wall’ when it comes to debt repaying. This is my new mantra and I thought it fitting to use it in my diary title! I shall also keep repeating this quote from her diary:

“Each 24 hours is one day of debt behind me and one step closer to being debt free for life. Just have to keep pushing forward”.

Good luck with your own DFW journey.

Lots of love

BTTW

OnlyICanDoThis

Blimey how doomy and gloomy do I sound?! I am actually a really positive and cheery person and I will not let this debt suck the life out of me. I have decided that although what I want to do will be a massive challenge, nothing worth having comes easily.

So going in ‘balls to the wall’ I intend to:

*Have as many NSDs as possible (today was one, yeay!!)

*Make sure I always have something listed on ebay (I listed 13 things last night and I have loads of stuff all piled up ready to go on, I just hate doing it as I find it completely boring, but needs must!)

*Be more patient! I need to stop being disillusioned because my debt is not being wiped out overnight!

I have already:

*Got an extra job. In fact I currently have 3 jobs! Job no 3 is on a casual basis though and will only be available until probably the end of this month or next month at the very latest.

*Made a budget (and am sticking to it) – I am very much into Dave Ramsey and although I do not have my emergency fund in place I have been budgeting and using the envelope system.

I can do this, I will do this!

BTTW x

Hadalbm

Hi. I'm a newbie here too but I've already found that keeping a diary is a huge help in getting finances back under control. Myself and my hubby have been in debt for many, many years and I can still remember how devastated I was when I realised just how much we owed and how long it would take us to repay. I'm not going to pretend it has been easy but it does get easier over time. You've made a huge step forward in just acknowledging your debt.
I understand why you don't want to post the amount on here but it might help in the long run as you will be able to see it decrease in your diary. No matter how big it is no one will judge and people will be able to help you make cuts in your spending if you post an SOA. There's no pressure to do it though. Small steps do make a big difference in the longer term.
Well done for putting a stop to your gambling. It really is an addiction which like any other is extremely difficult to overcome. Don't beat yourself up over it. What is done is done so you just have to accept and move on, which it sounds like you have started to do.
I wish you every success in clearing your debt as soon as possible but just remember that when you're in for the 'long haul' you have to allow yourself to live a little too.
x

pelirocco

Have you considered going down the debt management or even bankruptcy route ? From the sounds of it you have a very long way to go and although I am a believer that people shouldnt walk away from debt easily , there has to be a point where you need to weigh up quality of life . Planning on paying of a huge debt over a very long period , when you dont know what your long term income will be is pretty risky as you may not be able to sustain it anway .

OnlyICanDoThis

Hiya Hadalbm and Pelirocco,

Thankyou for taking the time to post . I think you may be right Hadalbm in that it would be beneficial for me to have it all out in the open. I will try to pluck up the courage to update my signature! At the moment I am trying to see it as % paid off so far.
Thanks Pelirocco, I have mulled it over but neither are for me, not at the moment anyway. I am able to meet payments and I am keen to crack on and see how I get on. I wouldn't rule anything out and obviously situations may change but at the moment I shall be making minimum payments to all but the smallest debt and Snowballing'. Thanks though.

Not much to report this evening debt busting wise, I have had a lively evening at a friends having a Slimming World hot buffet, was yummy! I did have a NSD though and 8 items on ebay have bids. Tomorrow evening I shall list some more.
Off to bed for me now, my alarm goes off at 5am for job #1 of the day .

Night night all x

milann

good luck with your debt busting - even if you don't post your total debt on here - make a note of it for your eyes and update it when you pay an amount off. I couldn't total mine for a long time but eventually did and have watched the total coming down. You will feel so proud as the figures drop.

BuildingBricksOfGold

Wow your determination shines through in your posts! You sound focused and driven and you should have no doubt you'll get through this debt however you tackle it. Whether you share your debt amount or not, I'm sure your diary will be filled with lots of support from the MSE community, and advice will be offered by the many whenever you need it (or even when you don't! :rotfl:)

I wish you lots of luck

X

OnlyICanDoThis

Thanks for your lovely messages Milann and BBoG! I have been feeling really positive about it all since posting yesterday, I have a massive mountain to climb but if I don’t try I will never succeed! I keep thinking about how it would feel to finally be debt free! Realistically it is going to take about 7 years, but I am utterly determined that it wont take that long. Even though the figures do not add up, it wont it wont it wont!!

It’s a lovely sunny day here today! So nice to see the sun out and it is making it so much easier to get up so early in the morning! I have been in a meeting all morning but it was fine really. Meeting a friend at lunch for a walk and then off for a quick jog after work with some colleagues (oh yeah, I probably should mention that as well as being in debt I am also overweight! Happy days eh? LOL!! ) but I am working towards changing that too and have managed to lose 1.5 stone so far on Slimming World (about another 4stone to go!). Very much looking forward to seeing my lovely other half this evening and chilling out!

I hope everyone is having a good day so far!

OICDT
x

Moneysaurus

I have just found your diary, it is great being able to find some inspiration in your lunch hour.

Your initial post is full of hope, despite your problems coming following the tragic loss of your father.

Please do not feel ashamed. I know what shame feels like and it is not nice. Be proud that you are facing up to sorting this out, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you have already made a great start.

Keep smiling and think of all of the positives :-)

Moneysaurus x

Moneysaurus

Well done on your weight loss too.... enjoy the sun and your OH.

Simple pleasures hey

OnlyICanDoThis

Thanks Moneysaurus .

Well a good day overall, I paid £5.47 off of credit card 1, withdrew a whole £1.40 sat in my Quidco account which will hit my bank in about 5 days and then I shall pay off card with that too, and listed 3 more items on ebay. Minimum spends today out of my budgeting wallet - £1.62 on a birthday card and a stamp.

Hope everyone is having a good evening.

X