Shared care. How to make it formal?

the_other_guy

Hi All,

I couldn't sleep whole night, hope you can help.

TL;DR Unmaried father seeks to make shared care formal.

We split up last year. My ex had gone into YOLO end of life, she is working very very hard and partying hard. I'm with children ( 2 of them ) 5 to 6 days a week usually for the last few months.

We were never married and for what i've read, in that case mother has sole care power. She loves her children, but wants to have as much from her life as she can now. Unfortunately she is mind changer. She met "the one" on august and went mental over being good mother - restricted my access to children because the other guy didn't want me in their lifes. I played it cool and eventually they split up and things went back to normal. She just announced, she'll be getting married (again) + moving. I'm afraid of this ( and any future ) situations like this ending up with me seeing kids every other week or whatnot. As you can imagine I got very attached to them and can't imagine a day without seeing them.

What options do i have?
I briefly touched 50/50 shared care agreement with her in the past and she exploded.

I will not have any courts or other stressful stuff because that's always messy, and my kids don't deserve that.

Would written shared agreement be enough ? Would i have to have it confirmed by solicitor ? Or do i need to deal with court either way ?

I need anything other than her word for that i'll be part of my children lifes. I'll appreciate any resources / references.

Sorry for little off topic subject, but I'm in the dark and hope to get at least pointers in right direction.

Thanks,

shoe*diva79

If she and you cannot agree then your only option is to go to court and get a contact order put in place. It costs a couple of hundred pounds and you wont need a solicitor.

Even if you agree and have something drawn up by a solicitor, she can easily break it with no ramification, but if there is a contact order, you can seek to have the order enforced if she breaks it. Court really isnt a big deal and its not stressful - the children wont have to attend and unless you or she tells them about it then they wont know.

xoAmyox

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

If she and you cannot agree then your only option is to go to court and get a contact order put in place. It costs a couple of hundred pounds and you wont need a solicitor.

Even if you agree and have something drawn up by a solicitor, she can easily break it with no ramification, but if there is a contact order, you can seek to have the order enforced if she breaks it. Court really isnt a big deal and its not stressful - the children wont have to attend and unless you or she tells them about it then they wont know.

I'm sorry, but this is simply not true. I've been through the process and it is very stressful, more so for the father.

Consider this line very carefully, it could work well for you or it could work against you.

If you need further advice then please look at joining or using the help of Families Need Fathers they are great for support.

The kids won't have to know, but if any accusations are thrown around in the court process (false or otherwise) then the kids will know when they are spoken to by a Court appointed family officer (CAFCASS). Unfortunately, when court situations occur, these kind of accusations are very common.

Shoe*Diva mentions that court orders can be enforced, this is correct in principle, but in practice its incredibly difficult to do and there is often no 'punishment' for the party that breaks the order.

I honestly wish you the best of luck with whichever course of action you choose.

shoe*diva79

xoAmyox wrote: »

I'm sorry, but this is simply not true. I've been through the process and it is very stressful, more so for the father.

Consider this line very carefully, it could work well for you or it could work against you.

If you need further advice then please look at joining or using the help of Families Need Fathers they are great for support.

The kids won't have to know, but if any accusations are thrown around in the court process (false or otherwise) then the kids will know when they are spoken to by a Court appointed family officer (CAFCASS). Unfortunately, when court situations occur, these kind of accusations are very common.

Shoe*Diva mentions that court orders can be enforced, this is correct in principle, but in practice its incredibly difficult to do and there is often no 'punishment' for the party that breaks the order.

I honestly wish you the best of luck with whichever course of action you choose.

I have also been/going through the court process and enforcement and I can assure you, despite how acrimonious my separation was and reasons behind being in court, its really not that scary.

The OP would be going to court to have contact formalised so that his ex does not continue to mess him around.

OP, getting contact formalised in court is very easy and you shouldn't be put off by others horror stories over contact with your kids.

xoAmyox

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

I have also been/going through the court process and enforcement and I can assure you, despite how acrimonious my separation was and reasons behind being in court, its really not that scary.

The OP would be going to court to have contact formalised so that his ex does not continue to mess him around.

OP, getting contact formalised in court is very easy and you shouldn't be put off by others horror stories over contact with your kids.

Can I please assume that you are the Mother in this situation and the parent with care?

If that is the case, then I hate to say it (but it's true!), the court system is incredibly biased towards the mother/pwc and the father really does get put through the ringer.
Mum only has to accuse Dad/nrp of a single wrongdoing and he has to prove his 'innocence' to what seems to be a very high standard.

Whereas, when there are genuine concenrs re mum (as reported by third parties), mum seems to get given a free pass and any and all incidents/events are dismissed or forgotten very quickly.

I say this, not only from experience, but from spending a significant amount of time with fathers going through the court process, or those that have been through it (often multiple times).

Regarding enforcement, what recourse do you believe there to be against a Mother/pwc who refuses contact?

I'm honestly glad that you've found it easier than myself and others, and hope that it is the same for the OP and anyone else considering court, but I just want to be clear that is not a decision to be taken lightly and it often brings out the worst in people.

justontime

Please don't listen to scare stories. Using the courts to establish contact doesn't have to be messy and it doesn't need to upset the children. You need to do this for the sake of your children, they need the love of both parents and they need the stability that you clearly give them. Don't put this off, contact Families Need Fathers, they can give you lots of help and advice. My husband used the courts to establish parental responsibility and to formalise contact. His only regret is that he didn't do it sooner, he wanted to keep things informal but he encountered the sort of problems you describe, having a formal agreement made a big difference. Good luck.

Morlock

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Even if you agree and have something drawn up by a solicitor, she can easily break it with no ramification, but if there is a contact order, you can seek to have the order enforced if she breaks it.

Which usually ends with the same result, no ramifications either.

shoe*diva79

Morlock wrote: »

Which usually ends with the same result, no ramifications either.

Courts are coming down harder on people who break orders.

I have been warned I could face community service or even prison by 3 magistrates during my enforcement hearing and thats because my child is being verbally abused so contact has stopped (on the advice of CAFCASS/Child Services) but the magistrates told me, if they find no good reason for me stopping contact then I will pay the consequences.

xoAmyox

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Courts are coming down harder on people who break orders.

I have been warned I could face community service or even prison by 3 magistrates during my enforcement hearing and thats because my child is being verbally abused so contact has stopped (on the advice of CAFCASS/Child Services) but the magistrates told me, if they find no good reason for me stopping contact then I will pay the consequences.

What I read here, is that (for legitimate reason or not) you broke the court order and then was let off with a verbal warning - doesn't sound like a ramification to me...

Mojisola

the_other_guy wrote: »

We were never married and for what i've read, in that case mother has sole care power.

Do you have parental responsibility for the children?

https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility

the_other_guy

@Mojisola yes i do, they hold my surname, i'm on their birth certificates, but from what i read it has no effect on contact with children.

Thanks everyone for advice, i'm still torn. I can imagine how the court order makes a difference, but its so unfortunate its the only way.