Dealing with the shame...and all of it.

Mkat

I owe £12,500 in the form of a loan, two credit cards and two overdrafts. It feels like I have ruined my life.

The last few years have been very difficult for me, I came out as transgender and started transitioning. I was depressed, scared, and everything was so hard. Nothing could prepare me for what was coming.

It all started when I had to move house a couple of times, and then I just started spending...on nothing. And now I have all this debt with nothing to show for it. I was so stupid, for so long.

I am 29 years old. People around me are buying houses, having babies, moving onto the next phase of their lives. I am looking at spending the next few years paying back all this "nothing" that I borrowed.

I feel so ashamed. And scared. Because if I lost my job, I have no idea what would happen.

It is like I have done everything I can to screw up my future. I don't have an emergency fund, I have no savings, I have spent everything I have ever earned and then some.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation? How did you snap out of this...funk and get on with it? I could really do with hearing some success stories because right now it feels pretty hopeless here...

sentientpoet

Mkat wrote: »

It is like I have done everything I can to screw up my future. I don't have an emergency fund, I have no savings, I have spent everything I have ever earned and then some.

Been there, done that! More than once, sadly.

It's one of the worst feelings in the world when you finally wake up to the reality of your debt situation, but it can also be one of the most liberating - you have identified the problem, and now you are going to sort it out. It puts you streets ahead of 80 per cent of the population

I think you have already shown the true resolve within yourself by coming out as transgender and transitioning - compared to that, some unsecured debt rather pales into insignificance. It shows you have far more strength than you currently give yourself credit for.

And you are still young. My lightbulb didn't flicker on until I was 34, and I was in a heap more debt - also with nothing to show for it. I think, like you, I suddenly realised one day that it was unsustainable, that I was in a seriously big mother of a hole, and that I wasn't going to live the rest of my life like this.

It can be done (I'm nearly there!), and you will be able to turn it around. Taking that first step, and making a start, is the single biggest element of tackling the debt.

And not forgetting of course the seriously awesome people on the MSE forums - these boards have proved inspirational for me and have kept me going even in my darkest days. With the help of people on here you will find a way to turn it around, and perhaps a lot quicker than you realise right now. And then, when you are debt free, you will once again be ahead of 80 per cent of the population - and much happier with it

Sazzie23

Hi Mkat

Financial woes are common to many of us, straight, transgender, gay or other - but the link to emotional upset and upheaval is a strong one so going through what you have its not surprising there has been a financial hiccup in your life. And thats all it is - a hiccup -( alright maybe a burp) but its fixable, and i wish i'd found this site 20 years ago when I was your age ...hark at me

Focus on what you want, clear debt/create savings fund/buy house then decide on how you are going to acheive it.

Post your SOA on here and the good MSE people will let you know if there are ways to trim the budget and get to that end result even faster. & I'm absolutely sure you are not the first transgender person to get into this type of difficulty, not all of them will be as open and honest as you though, so give yourself a pat on the back already.

Bravo_Zulu

I got to that point at 26 and it's taken me 8 years to clear the debt I'd racked up - mine was £25K. Some of it was spent very wisely (Loan to study for a masters degree) and even though it wasn't wasted, the fact I didn't use that qualification deeply saddened me and I've tried hard not to look at it as a very expensive mistake.

The first step is taking responsibility for your debts and start making headway to clear them. You're being very hard on yourself, you will get there in the end. I'm 35 now and it's been a long eight years to clear my debts but now that it's done, the time seems to have flown by. Not that it's been easy, but it's made me feel less angry at myself. I'm now proud to say that I tackled my debt and cleared it.

Sazzie23

Congratulations on debt freedom Bravo have you signed the role of honour? Its on a thread somewhere.

Look at it this way, you may need that qualification one day and learning is never wasted, even if its just learning how to manage our finances.

DreamerHelen

Hi Mkat....your Thread leaped out at me and I just had to reply...


I think you are INCREDIBLY brave for everything that you have done and are doing...You CAN do this!!


You mentioned Saving and also an Emergency Fund....Why not break it down into little chunks? I have never really been able to save....not properly....But I have said that I want to save some money for next Christmas....and I'm only saving a little each Week but it soon mounts up....You don't have to have Savings right now....or an Emergency Fund....but if you can even put a fiver away a week, or a month, then it will soon start to build up...


I am HUGELY in Debt, as you can see by my Signature....But I have a long-term Plan in place....I want to clear the Debt by the time I'm 45 (I'm now nearly 37).....so I've given myself plenty of time to do this....and, as I said before, I'm breaking it down into chunks....


Please don't be so hard on yourself...I have nothing to show for my Debt either really.....the majority of my Debt was done before I was 25.....nice Holidays, lots of Black Cabs around London (when I could have easily taken the Tube), lots of nice Food, presents for myself....I wasted it all....but there is no going back....it's about moving forwards....


I will subscribe to this Thread and I wish you all the luck and love in the world....Be kind to yourself...you CAN and you WILL get there hun xXx

Karen777

Hey there MKat - welcome! I think most of us can recognise that feeling of oh my god what have I done and how will I ever get through this. If I had had that moment when I was your age (when I was 29 my head was so deep in the sand about my finances there were sandfish living in my head.. or something!) then I would be fine now so you have that on your side. It can all be resolved. It can all be worked through. We are all proof of that. Small steps, use this thread - very wise people and take one step at a time. We're all just people trying to sort our messes out - and the great news is and I speak from being a year and a bit in (with still about the same to go I reckon barring employment related disasters) and it really can be done. There is life after debt. All together now say 'I believe'

twiggy86

Please don't think that everybody else has it all - I'm sure many of them have as much debts as you if not more. Everything may appear fine but actually beneath the surface they may be struggling too or have debt but don't consider it an issue (i.e. they haven't had their LBM yet).

I recently had my LBM and was discussing it with someone I know - they have an expensive car, nice clothes, exotic holidays etc etc but no house, not married, no kids. However when I said I was in £10k worth of debt they were shocked that I thought this was a problem as they have £20k worth of debt (not sure whether they included their car which I suspect is on finance). Another friend just got married - to the tune of £18k which was mostly on credit cards!

From what I've read there are many people on here who have been in a lot more debt than you and are now debt free - yes it may take some time but it certainly isn't then end.

Also, I've found its amazing what you can achieve when you set your mind to it! In two months since my LBM I've paid off £1,700 worth of debt (paid some off before joining here so signature is slightly different). I'm fortunate that I do have the money to do that - but if that's the case, why am I in debt at all?!

Good luck - please stay on here as the support you receive is amazing and you also get really good money saving tips.

Stewart_78

Massive well done for coming out. That is seriously brave and I'm sure in time will make you a far happier person. It's not surprising that during that time you have splurged a bit. So don't beat yourself up too much.

The feeling of having a debt with nothing to show for it is hard to take and leads to a lot of the feelings you mention. However, the feeling that you have finally woken up is a good one, even though it can be dampened by the knowledge you have debt to pay down.

It's easy to say £12.5k is not much but it's all relative to where you live, what you have, your job / income opportunities etc. etc.

Is it possible to cut up those cards and focus on paying them down first? The loan is reducing and as long as you keep paying, it will go away one day. Without more detail it's difficult to advise on a strategy but it sounds like you need to simplify things and that doesn't mean consolidate and keep the cards. With the overdrafts, can you ask one of the banks to remove the facility and convert to a loan? Or both if you don't really need them? Is one of the ODs with the same bank as the loan? Can you ask them to remove the facilities and roll both debts into one loan?

Anything you can sell? You would be amazed how much you can raise from household stuff you don't use any more. Any ways you can think of to shop cheaper etc? Have you looked at better deals for broadband, gas, energy etc. etc. I know it all takes time and when you're busy it's hard to fit in these little things.

Good luck with your journey and big respect again for coming out.

Bravo_Zulu

Sazzie23 wrote: »

Congratulations on debt freedom Bravo have you signed the role of honour? Its on a thread somewhere.

Look at it this way, you may need that qualification one day and learning is never wasted, even if its just learning how to manage our finances.

Very kind words indeed. Yes I have signed the roll of honour :-)

Put it this way, I know a lot about my masters degree and it's useful knowledge so I guess it wasn't wasted - I just don't work in the field.

lisa110rry

Mkat, I would like you to remember that when you commenced transition you were probably stuffed full of hormone drugs causing feelings of such intensity that your body had previously never experienced. This may have led you to do things which were not your usual behaviour. Don't be too hard on yourself. Move forward in small steps.

A good thing to do is to have a spreadsheet with columns for things like rent, utilities, phone, water, community charge, clothes, food, that sort of thing, you will know what columns you need. Go through your bank statements and put each cost into the correct cost heading to see where your money is going each month (if you do the past three to six months it will give you a good idea). This may help you identify where you can trim costs.

A few years ago, when my husband was taken seriously ill, I discovered he had considerable debt about which I knew nothing. It was tough, but we now have no debt, including no mortgage and no car repayments. You are exactly half my age, so you have lots more time before you. You'll get over this.

Regards, Lisa