debt advice please

Tracey52

Hi all, I'm new here and would like to tell my story to see if anybody can help, my problem started couple of years ago when my grown up kids had some problems and I was helping them out with money,long story but my ex husband died suddenly and left no money to pay for his funeral and none of my kids had the spare cash to pay for it so my partner lent them the money,about £4000 in total which they haven't been able to pay back yet,due to their own family probs and circumstances,also unknown to my partner I was helping them out with money here and there when they had problems ,for instance,daughter's partner lost his job 2 weeks before Xmas and they couldn't get any benefits for weeks,other daughters partner walked out on her and cleared her bank account out leaving her with nothing, anyway my partner didn't want me to lend them more money as he says I'm too soft with them,which is right but I can't see them struggling and not help,consequently I left myself short a few times so started with payday loans,which were OK at first but then got out of control until the time when virtually all my months wages were gone on repayments before I even got to get any shopping,and of course the credit cards and overdraft too didn't help, to cut a long story short I contacted Payplan to start a DMP which was OK for a while,and I managed to keep things from my partner although he has moaned about why I'm short of money compared to what I used to be,however the problem now is that due to some recent health problems I've had a few times off work and it has impacted on my wages due to not getting full sick pay for some of the times off which means that on my last payday,after the Payplan payment I was left with just enough money for 1weeks food shopping and nothing else, I have nothing left now until next payday and will have to come clean about everything which I'm dreading cos I feel so stupid and embarrassed and ashamed at getting into this situation,and my partner has enough stress as it is what with my kids still owing him money,I don't know how he's going to react but guessing he'll be pretty angry,also don't know how I'm going to afford Xmas,have bought nothing yet. I thought about getting a big loan to pay off all the debts ( £7500) and hopefully having a more manageable single payment,albeit over a longer time but cannot get a loan now as my credit score is so low. Any advice please?

Sedge123

You need to stop the cycle now and part of that is admitting where you are to your partner. You need to sit with your partner and have an honest discussion about your financial situation. It may even be worth including the children in the discussion so they are fully aware of the effects and can make a plan to start paying back what they owe.

Grumpelstiltskin

You might not like this but why did your children agree to pay for your ex's funeral when they couldn't afford it?


Probably because they knew you would bail them out.


They are adults and you must tell them that the bank of mum is closed permanently and they have to sort their own problems out.

bargainbetty

If you are on a DMP, then speak to your provider (a free one, I hope) about dropping to £1 per creditor per month while you are on SSP. If your circumstances change, then so should your DMP.

If you are with a fee-paying one, move to a free one.

Speak to your partner honestly and explain what you are doing to fix it. He will be less angry if you are addressing the issues. I agree with Grumpelstiltskin that this includes telling your children that you are unable to lend them any more money, because you simply do not have it. Not wanting them to go without is one thing, but they are grown adults and should damn well feel the same way about their mother.

As for Xmas, who needs it? If you are all in a bad way financially, agree that no one has to buy any gifts for anyone, or do a Secret Santa thing so you only buy one small gift. If your children have kids, tell them they should reign in their Xmas spending too - it doesn't have to be extravagant to be good.

It's a turkey dinner. Have someone bring crackers and someone else bring a pudding. Done.

Good luck, but you have to pull yourself out of this. On SSP, you won't get a loan to cover it all.

foxgloves

Hello Tracey,
it sounds like a worrying time for you, but as an outsider reading through your story, I think I tend to agree with previous people who have posted, that you are not in a position to be bailing out your adult children, & if you are resorting to payday loans, then you haven't had sufficient money to be bailing them out for some time. You can still be there for them by helping in other ways, but they are adults & need to sort out their own financial affairs without recourse to you. I would give them a repayment plan where they must budget to give you an agreed sum of your money back every month. However hard you find this, don't deviate. Their lack of money is their problem & they can put their own plans in place to deal with it. YOUR problem is that you need your money back asap.

2nd thing....I think it sounds bad enough for you to be talking to your partner about how difficult your financial situation has become. It isn't going to miraculously improve overnight. There will need to be a long term plan to reduce outgoings, pay debts & ensure that you get yourself into a stronger position for dealing with future crises (yours, not your adult children's) My partner was always honest to me that he was in debt, but he used to round the figures down so I didn't know the exact extent of it until we decided to change our bad habits & start to repay everything. I would much rather have known the truth even though the amount of money owed was more than I thought.

Lastly, it may seem like a bad thing that you can't get a consolidation loan, but it is actually a good thing in disguise. When we had a lot of debts, we consolidated with a further loan 3 times, but because our behaviour carried on exactly the same as before, we just ran the debt up again.....& again....because the lower monthly payments made it seem like we had more spare cash & we carried on using credit cards & had no budget in place. All that consolidation loans did for us was increase both the debt total & the length of time we had to pay it. So it feels tough, but it will be a positive in the long run because this has come to a head now, so it will make you sit down & talk to the relevant people about it.
As for feeling 'stupid, embarrassed & ashamed'......these are natural feelings, but there are thousands of people in the same place as you right now, many of them are on this forum sorting themselves out, others who started earlier are now debt-free.
Good luck,
f

Tracey52

Grumpelstiltskin wrote: »

You might not like this but why did your children agree to pay for your ex's funeral when they couldn't afford it?


Probably because they knew you would bail them out.


They are adults and you must tell them that the bank of mum is closed permanently and they have to sort their own problems out.

Because he had no other family who could pay,it was a very upsetting time for them and they didn't need the extra worry of having to find a way of paying for it,I felt morally obliged to help.
Thank you all for the replies, I know I have to talk to my partner but not looking forward to it, secondly,regarding SSP I'm not on SSP cos am back at work but the loss of earnings was due to the fact of not being entitled to sick pay for the first 3 days of each period of absence, plus time off for hospital appointments which amounted to losing roughly 2 weeks wages in total,
As for the consolidation loan, I know that will be impossible to get so not even going to try,
Lastly, when it comes to Xmas I have a large family and feel bad not being able to get my grandkids anything when they are used to getting things from nanny and look forward to it,some of them are too young to understand why I can't do it this year which upsets me, anyway thanks again for the replies.

DawnW

Tracey, first of all, you are not stupid. You are a kind person who has helped her family out and is in trouble because of it. I don't disagree with what the other posters have said re your adult children standing on their own feet. However, I do understand that it is hard, and particularly, why you / your partner helped out with the funeral. Your kids really should pay your partner back for this though, however slowly It isn't his responsibility and it was kind of him to lend them the money. I think you should make it clear to your family the position you are in, and be upfront about why you can't afford Christmas presents this year - to be honest, they have already had it

But all this doesn't help For now, ie the position you are in atm, it might therefore be a good idea to speak to Stepchange about dealing with these payday loans, as this is not a trap that is easy to get out of by yourself. They will be able to set out the options that you have (because there are options). Give them a call today (it is a charity, so a free service). It will make you feel better, because you are taking a positive action to deal with your situation. Then, when you speak to your partner, you will be able to frame it in terms of ok I have messed up, but this is what I am going to do about it

((Hugs)) and take care xx

Grumpelstiltskin

Tracey Spending loads of money on Christmas presents doesn't make you a good grandmother.


I can guarantee the grandchildren will have forgotten who bought what by New Year.


Scout round charity shops, Freecycle and give them love, that doesn't cost a fortune. Just don't get suckered in to this 'you must spend a fortune on c**p at Christmas'

Tracey52

Hi again, re the DMP,I have spoken to Payplan this afternoon explaining my situation and they have agreed to look again at my finances once they receive the copies of my wage slips,to reduce the payments until my situation has improved,re Xmas,I usually spend about £20-£30 on each child which isnt a lot except for the fact I have 16 grandchildren which adds up to quite a bit,then there's 2 stepchildren I normally buy for and my youngest son who's only 10, so in total I do spend quite a bit at Xmas and even cutting back as much as possible I don't think its going to be a great Xmas this year,but can't be helped,thanks again for all the advice x

nikongirl

Agreeing with the PP — Christmas should never be about spending money. I'm sick of seeing people spending ridiculous amounts of money on children who don't appreciate the value of what they've been given. It only makes them expect more next time and ultimately fuels their consumerism, creating fodder for the next generation of CC/Payday lenders etc. (Rant over!)

Think about setting a good financial example for your grandchildren by demonstrating that you can show your love in ways that don't cost a lot of money. Can you make something for them instead?

Lots of presents doesn't equal a great Christmas.

asparagus1968

glad you have spoken to payplan, am sure they will be able to help/re-schedule or something.


Re your family-you REALLY need to communicate with them.
They need to know NOW that you are in dire straights,will they be offering to help you out? And tell them that you will only be buying a present for your partner and your youngest children.They need to re-budget their xmas to service THEIR debt.


You are obviously a lovely mum and nan but you aren't doing them any favours bailing them out when you are not in a position to do so.


I hope this doesn't impact on your relationship with OH.


good luck, xmas should be about family and being together. It's obviously a big weight on your shoulders you could do without .
best wishes