What to do if CM constantly complains about 'grumpy' 18 month old?

climbthatwallseegar

Namechange for this as I do know some people on the site.

My 16 mo is looked after by a CM who I get on well with, she is very pleasant and came highly recommended.

However the current issue I have is what I feel is a constant drip feed of negative comments about DD. I may be overly sensitive (in fact I know I am!!) but I guess I'm wondering how to broach the subject of asking her if she thinks there is an actual problem with DD?

When I drop DD off in the mornings I am often met with comments such as "Oh goodness she was sooo grumpy yesterday" or "She started crying when another CM at the play centre tried to pick her up, why is she so melodramatic?" She calls DD things like 'little princess', and a 'drama queen'. She also said she felt it was strange that DD shows fear/anxiety when the CM's neighbour or other visitors pop into the house. DD is my first so don't have anything to compare her behaviour with but isn't it normal for a child of this age to show some kind of stranger anxiety? Every single morning when I arrive she says to DD "Are you in a grumpy mood today then?" DD is usually very happy and full of beans in the morning before we arrive. However although she goes to the CM willingly she is quite subdued and doesn't show any kind of emotion when I hand her over.

A couple of weeks ago CM told me a story about DD's 'drama' at the play centre and said she felt really embarrassed. Basically DD was being very clingy and let out a loud cry when the CM put her down on the floor. Apparently this cry caused another little boy to start crying and that boy's CM could not calm him down and so had to take him and leave the play centre. My CM said she felt terrible for the other CM and so she subsequently texted her to apologise. She then looked at DD and said "You caused all that upset and drama for no good reason"

I don't really think it is appropriate to blame a 16 month old for this, she is still tiny. Surely the other CM would have had strategies in place to try and calm her mindee? There may also have been another factor which caused his upset (in addition to my DD's scream).

I'm a little baffled as when I first met the CM she told me she has been doing this job for 25 years and has looked after a range of children with extreme behavioural problems. She has also fostered dozens of children and said that her own child displayed so much anxiety and was so unsettled when she was at nursery that the nursery staff wanted to call in additional help. Her child is now a perfectly happy, well adjusted 13 year old. So presumably she must be aware that all children are different and some can be anxious, wary of strangers etc. However the way she grimaces when she talks about DD makes me feel she has never dealt with this kind of issue before. I never really know what to say when she makes these comments, I'm not sure if she's just letting off steam, is genuinely annoyed or thinks there is a real problem. I generally try to keep it light-hearted and smile and I have on occasion apologised. When I do that she gives a little laugh and says "oh never mind". She does show affection to DD and is a generally happy, smiley and upbeat woman. The other children she looks after are a bit older but always seem fine. She has complained to me about them in the past so maybe it is just her style.

From my perspective I would say DD can be hard work as she is fairly clingy at the moment, takes a while to warm up to strangers but once she does she is absolutely fine. For example we went out for a meal on Saturday with friends who she hasn't met before. They have a toddler of the same age and when they arrived they sat down and chatted to me and then the dad gradually started playing peek a boo with DD. She laughed, giggled and had a whale of a time during the entire meal. The following day we went to meet another friend who she has never met before. He walked up to her and grabbed her hand and tried to take her out of her buggy. DD cried and pulled her hand away and was apprehensive towards him for the next few hours. Just pointing out the different ways she responds to people. I don't know but I think it's fairly normal?

Interestingly the CM only has positive comments for DH about DD's behaviour and has not once told him she is grumpy, difficult etc.

I mentioned my concerns to DH and he said I am over-thinking things, the CM is probably just making conversation. However I have a nagging feeling DD is not very happy and I'm not sure if I should just ask the CM outright if she feels DD would be better placed elsewhere. I wish I could afford a nanny maybe this is a better solution. I don't know. Has anyone run into this kind of problem before?

Thanks
Seegar

climbthatwallseegar

Sorry, typo in title - DD is 16 months old!

kazwookie

Change child minders if you are not happy with the one you have.

double_mummy

i would be removing my child from that CM today

a couple of big warning flags in there - complaining to you about other children, the nick names, the talking to a 16 month old baby in that way

this is not appropriate

notanewuser

My child wouldn't be going back. It's unacceptable to use that negative language around her once, never mind every day. And she's saying it in front of you! What's she doing behind your back?

barbiedoll

It sounds as though you have misgivings about your CM, your daughter is too young to voice an opinion but personally, I'd be looking for another CM.

Your CM shouldn't be moaning about your daughter's moods and tantrums, if she can't cope with her, she should say so outright. Constantly drip-feeding you negative stories about your daughter's behaviour is making you feel anxious and rightly so, it sounds to me as if she doesn't really "like" your daughter. If she's been caring for kids for 25 years, maybe her patience is wearing a little thin. This may be absolute nonsense but as a mum, I always trust my instincts and as your daughter is your most precious thing, why entrust her to someone that you/she doesn't really feel comfortable with?

In answer to your question about your daughter's behaviour being "normal", yes, it is perfectly normal for young children to be wary around strangers and to be "clingy". Sometimes, I think that they are better judges of character than we give them credit for.
My (ex) best friend used to come round my place every Friday evening with her baby. My son, who was then 2 years old, absolutely refused to sit on her lap, to give her a hug or even to wave goodbye to her. He would tolerate her and he loved her baby but he never really warmed to her, even when he reached his teenage years. When I found out how she had been speaking about me and my family behind our backs, I discovered just how right he was.

It may be worth asking your CM outright, if she has any problems with your daughter, this obviously depends on what sort of person you are, I know a lot of people would find this hard to do. You should be able to find another CM sooner or later if you'd rather go somewhere else, the local authority will be able to give you a list of registered CM's. Or ask other mums if they know of anyone with a vacancy. If you're a good "client" who pays on time and picks up your kids when you're supposed to, they will be happy to take you on!

Don't take this personally, I daresay that most CM's have cared for children that they can't really warm to. It doesn't make her a bad person or even a bad CM, neither does it mean that your daughter is "grumpy" or a bit of a handful. It could even be that she just doesn't particularly like you! It's just one of those things but if you're unhappy and if, as it seems, your daughter is unhappy too, then it's time for someone new.

marisco_2

I wouldn't place my children in the care of someone so incapable and unprofessional.

Flossie.

Wow, what a cheek! I would be changing CM for sure!

My friend used to use a CM that took her son to school and fetched him back and looked after him from 3 til 5 when she got home from work, and he was carrying about 9-12 pounds of extra weight, and she used to call him 'little fatty' and 'little porkie.' He was 5, so he would have heard her.

My friend found this out when one of the other kids (age 8) told her!!! The poor little mite was tolerating it, and never spoke up!

Obviously the CM thought she was being funny, (as many people who mock your weight do!) My friend's husband was disgusted, and got their son a new CM within a week. They gave the required fortnight's notice to the current CM immediately

I would not tolerate this, as she does not sound like a good CM.

joolesw1972

I would say it's pretty normal for a child to be shy! When I met my OH one nephew was about 2, he was very wary and shy around me, but would eventually 'come round' it went on a while as we only visited every 2-3 months, we never made a big deal of it & he grew out of it/got to know me.
I also think it depends on the child's personality, we have friends in Ireland who we see a couple of times a year, we are close friends, in frequent contact and have known both children since birth - their little boy has always been straight on us as soon as we walk through the door, their little girl however is more hesitant and reserved and takes 10/15 mins to get used to us again.
If you can, it would be good to chat with th CM about your concerns, explain how you interact with your daughter to reassure her when she's upset etc, it might be that she does it in a completely different way?

Carmina-Piranha_2

I'd be wary of a childminder who spoke like this, or a nursery worker.

Perhaps she's getting older and more tired, and finds younger children a bit of a chore nowadays, or maybe she's one of those people who naturally prefers boys (I had an aunt who was very vocal about not liking little girls!) but it doesn't sound like she would deal with your daughter very well should she go through the 'terrible twos'. I think that 16 months is a little young to be considered a 'drama queen' ... some children are shyer or more wary than others.

liuhutOz

I'd go with your gut feeling. The CM obviously isn't feeling right to you, and rightly so from your OP. I had a CM for my eldest and just wasn't happy with a few bits so I took her out. It turned out that she then got reported by someone else and was so over her limit on kids it was scary. I'm so glad that I followed my gut feeling.