Dozy and Depressed but Dealing With It

DozyDeborah

Right, today is the day that I have ACTUALLY had my lightbulb moment. I thought I had a few months ago, but obviously not because nothing changed. I've had enough now and today is the day. I am going to sort this out. I have a plan. I can do it. I will be debt free. I'm bloody terrified, lol. Also, as you can see from my signature, nobody knows about the pickle I've got myself in so I'm going to keep this diary to try and keep my sanity......shush, it's a secret.

Background
About a year ago I was going through a really tough time with some family issues and I got really depressed. In my wisdom I spent insomnia filled nights on my iPad and discovered Internet gambling. I told you I was dozy! Fast forward a year and I am now in debt to the tune of about £8,000 made up of £3,500 to various payday loan companies and another £5,000 to family and friends.

I've been juggling money, robbing Peter to pay Paul and getting progressively more worried, depressed and ill, and all in secret. The thoughts of my husband finding out makes me feel sickest of all. I am so ashamed of myself. Eight months ago I had about £900 a month disposable income. That's not the case now!

The Plan
I've been in touch with StepChange and am starting my DMP in a couple of months. I'm still waiting to hear back from a couple of creditors (so far they've all agreed), but still a little bit worried that I might get embarrassing calls to work. Please, please I don't get any embarrassing calls to work. So that part is all in hand.

StepChange don't take debts to friends and family into account, but I absolutely have to repay them as soon as possible otherwise the people I owe will be in the same state as me and that would kill me. So the plan there is to repay at a rate of £450 a month starting at the end of this month and that will be cleared by August.

It's going to be a long road and I will be seriously skint for the next 10-24 months and I feel like a cow for keeping secrets but I'm really going to try. I can't go on like this because I'm making myself I'll. I am 36 and hope to be debt free before I turn 38 in May 2016. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Deb

chelseachris

With you all the way. The past is the past - sounds like you've turned an important corner. Pay the bare minimum to debtors and as much as you can to the friends/ family that really need it.

DozyDeborah

When I started writing my diary last night it felt really good and I was more positive than I had been in a while. So why then haven't I slept, why do I feel so nauseous and terrified? I hate this roller coaster of emotions and I'm not really enjoying my life much at the minute. I am so angry at and ashamed of myself.

I hope this is just a little blip and tiredness talking. I have friends arriving in an hour to discuss wedding things (theirs, not mine) and I should be excited but I can't see it far enough to be honest. And I need to do the dishes and run the hoover round before they arrive. Shake yourself Deb, you're not doing yourself any favours with this attitude.

Deep breaths and smile. Can't do any this weekend anyway so stop with the worrying!

Deb

WhiteRose2014

Morning Deb, sounds like you have a good plan :j now subscribed and will look forward to following your progress x Rose

DozyDeborah

Right, I've given myself a good talking to and I am ABSOLUTELY strong enough to get through the next few months. It's going to be hard and I'll probably have a few (or many) more wobbles but I'm not going to quit.

Speaking of quitting......the cigarettes have got to go. When I think of the amount of money I burn it makes me feel sick. I tried going cold turkey a little while ago and wasn't so successful but I'm going to make an appointment with the smoking cessation nurse on Monday and accept ALL the help.

Smoke free and then debt free. Although it's all really scary, that thought makes me smile.

DozyDeborah

I don't feel very well this morning and I'm trying to work out if I'm coming down with something (my other half is getting over the flu) or if I'm just really anxious and stressed.

It's frightening you know, coming to terms with the fact that I've been an absolute idiot and that all of my problems are completely of my own making. Every hour of every day I have a low level sense of foreboding and feel a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights waiting for something bad to happen. I'm going to write it all down this morning and hope that I can have some respite from the overwhelming thoughts and never ending drone in my head.

Gambling
I can't blame anyone but me for my spending and I should have known better. It's the same old story: play once, win big, spend more chasing another big win that's never going to happen. Not blaming the site because that's how they make their money, but ooh they're onto a good thing aren't they. You can limit your spending on the site but you have to jump through hoops to do it and hunt for the information to begin with. I wonder how many people are in or have been in my position. I wonder how many lives gambling has destroyed. NEVER AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN.

Addictive Personality
Again, no excuses, but when I take a long hard look at myself I have to admit that I have issues. When I get into something I really get into something! Gambling, smoking, sticking way to long at my first marriage even when it was abundantly clear that he was gay, Monster Munch:rotfl:
I reflect an image to others that I'm really confident and together and have it all going on, but at heart I'm still an insecure little girl looking for approval. I sometimes wonder if I would benefit from some therapy and then I wonder if I'm just full of s***.

Work
I am messing up at the minute, and I know I am. My focus is just not there. Worrying about my situation takes up way too much of my time. I'm constantly on edge and terrified about the possibility of phone calls to work. Thinking way too much about things that haven't happened and may never happen is my modus operandi and another symptom of my addictive personality.

Home
My husband is the most amazing man on earth. My love, my heart, my reward for all of the heartache I went through before. I can't tell him about all of this. I don't for one minute think that he would leave or that he would be anything other than supportive (if a tad more than annoyed), but it would undoubtedly change something in our relationship and that I cannot stomach. I KNOW I should come clean, but I'm not going to. Not going to happen. I just have to get through to the end of next May when most of my family debt will be paid off and things will stabilise and then worry over him will cease to be.

My Dad has cancer. He's no longer having treatment. Sometimes life just sucks.

Apologies to anyone reading this long and depressing post, but it's all out there now. Time to move on. Let's all hope that I don't have a morning this introspective again :rotfl:

Deb x

DozyDeborah

WhiteRose2014 wrote: »

Morning Deb, sounds like you have a good plan :j now subscribed and will look forward to following your progress x Rose

Thank you Rose. It's lovely to have support xx

monz

Subscribed you will get there xx

DozyDeborah

I don't plan on leaving the house today, so I won't spend any money. Hurrah:T

I have one packet of cigarettes left in the cupboard and DO NOT want to buy any more, so plan of action for tomorrow:

1. Call the smoking cessation nurse at my health centre and make an appointment.
2. Do not buy any smokes.
3. Spend half the day shouting at everyone due to lack of nicotine :rotfl:
4. Spend the rest of the day apologising for shouting (see number three)

Fingers crossed x

[Deleted User]

Subscribed. I am in the same situation

Levi-

Hi Deb, good luck on your journey.
if it makes you feel less alone my mother got into a big big mess thanks to internet gambling - and she is/was the most level headed sensible person with money.. it all happened rapidly and got out of control before she finally came clean to my dad, with about £50k debt! so just think, it could be much much worse and you are doing the right thing nipping it in the bud now because trust me, when gambling is involved, it wouldn;t take much longer to double and triple those numbers you owe!! just whatever you do don't go back there in a desperate moment hoping for the win to happen and sort it all out, 100% the best thing to do is not play any more at all... good luck, i will keep reading..x