Am I being unreasonable? Teenager's untidy room

maman

Flossie. wrote: »

My father once ripped down ALL of my pop star and film star posters and he ruined about a third of them (I had about 30 in all,) and he ripped up 3 calendars and stomped on several of my cassette tapes and broke them, and he stamped on a couple of small makeup cases by my bed and wrecked a couple of eyeshadow sets that had been given to me by family members and also several pairs of earrings

I agree with you on this. I think it sounds like appalling behaviour on your father's part. Quite bullying really just because he could he was exercising control. Not an attractive trait.


Someone posted that they couldn't understand the 'own space' idea for teenagers. Teenagers' emotions are like that: needing the security of a caring family while trying to break away and be independent at the same time. So when they need to withdraw they need their own space and to have it the way they feel comfortable with. For some that's messy which is probably a form of testing/rebellion in itself. I think it's best to let them get on with it providing there are no massive hygiene issues and they keep in touch enough for you to know they're not depressed or anything like that.

jaylee3

Flossie. wrote: »

On the contrary, I agree with you. I think it's pretty unpleasant to throw someone's stuff away or destroy it, to 'teach them a lesson in tidiness.' Yes, maybe confiscate it, and don't let them have it back, (for a short while,) but to destroy it or get rid of it? No.

My father once ripped down ALL of my pop star and film star posters and he ruined about a third of them (I had about 30 in all,) and he ripped up 3 calendars and stomped on several of my cassette tapes and broke them, and he stamped on a couple of small makeup cases by my bed and wrecked a couple of eyeshadow sets that had been given to me by family members and also several pairs of earrings that were in one of the cases.

This was when I was about 14 because I had an untidy room, and had been asked 3 or 4 times in 2 weeks to clean it (and I hadn't.) It didn't 'teach me a lesson,' I just resented him for it, and I loathed him for it for about half a year. I just didn't see any need for it. It was a massive over-reaction.

It didn't make me much tidier, maybe a bit but not much, and it upset me a great deal, as he had ruined some of my collectible belongings. I didn't feel like it had taught me a lesson: it just caused friction and discord between me and my father for about six months. Even when I did stop resenting him and feeling angry about it, I still wondered why he had to resort to such measures, and I never ever thought 'oh yeah, that was such a life-affirming experience when my dad wrecked my stuff!'

Eeeeek, that WAS pretty severe Flossie. Did your dad do stuff like that often? (I am guessing not, as it seems it was a shock for you.)

As some posts on this page have said, I don't think it's an admirable thing to do, to smash up or throw away your teenager's belongings, because they are untidy!

Sounds awful actually.

I was a dreadfully messy teen. Quite neat now though, (late 30s.) My parents used to nag me, but to no avail. They gave up in the end and simply shut my door!

Going back to a post from earlier, one of my nieces (she is now 17,) used to chuck her knickers in the pile of washing on the bathroom floor or in the wash basket or at the foot of her bed, and on several occasions, it had a used S.T. attached. Yum.

She grossed her mum out! And occasionally her dad! :eek: She did it about six/seven times, until a mate came to her house unexpectedly, and saw her knickers in the middle of her room, complete with used S.T, where her mum has moved it from the foot of the bed where my niece had left it. She was mortified! Well, all her mum had done was move it 3 feet away from where my niece left it!!!

She never did that again though. :T No more S.T. filled knickers again thankfully. :rotfl:

Person_one

jaylee, it's ok to write sanitary towel, we won't get the vapours at the mere mention.

splishsplash

Flossie. wrote: »

My father once ripped down ALL of my pop star and film star posters and he ruined about a third of them (I had about 30 in all,) and he ripped up 3 calendars and stomped on several of my cassette tapes and broke them, and he stamped on a couple of small makeup cases by my bed and wrecked a couple of eyeshadow sets that had been given to me by family members and also several pairs of earrings that were in one of the cases.

Wow. That man sounds like a bully, sorry. Did he ever apologise for losing the run of himself like that and destroying your things? I'm sorry that happened, sounds awful:(. I really hope that was a one-off episode, not his normal way of dealing with things.

splishsplash

Person_one wrote: »

jaylee, it's ok to write sanitary towel, we won't get the vapours at the mere mention.

Do people still even know that's what ST stands for? I'm not sure they do. I haven't heard those words spoken aloud since I had my children many years ago:rotfl:.

Flossie.

jaylee3 wrote: »

Eeeeek, that WAS pretty severe Flossie. Did your dad do stuff like that often? (I am guessing not, as it seems it was a shock for you.)

As some posts on this page have said, I don't think it's an admirable thing to do, to smash up or throw away your teenager's belongings, because they are untidy!

Sounds awful actually.

splishsplash wrote: »

Wow. That man sounds like a bully, sorry. Did he ever apologise for losing the run of himself like that and destroying your things? I'm sorry that happened, sounds awful:(. I really hope that was a one-off episode, not his normal way of dealing with things.

Hi guys. Actually, although that was a pretty horrible thing he did, no he didn't make a habit of doing stuff like that. (In fact he never did anything as bad as that before or since. He would hide stuff away occasionally if I was a bit naughty, as a punishment, and give it back a week later and he was actually pretty quiet and gentle (usually!)

If anything, it was my mother that was a confrontational and shouty person who could start a fight in an empty room. :rotfl: (Sometimes she was OK, and pleasant to be with, but if you caught her on a bad day, she was like a grizzly bear with a migraine!)

My father though rarely lost his temper, so yes as Jaylee said, it 'was' unusual for something like this to happen, so I think that is why I was so shocked and upset by it. Maybe he was just having a bad day or week. It was the mid 70s, and nobody talked about how they were feeling then (if they felt low or anything.)

No, he didn't ever apologise for it, and never mentioned it again. He didn't do anything like that again though.

It did stick with me though, as it was a pretty horrible thing for him to do. That is why I also can't get on board with the posters here who are celebrating trashing teenagers rooms and destroying their possessions as a 'punishment' for being untidy.

heartbreak_star

My mum once hid a bunch of my stuff and pretended she'd thrown it away.

I cried. A lot. And it didn't help matters really, I just started putting things in boxes and, where possible, locking the boxes...

HBS x

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

I have to say, I know it won't be a popular view but I've been fairly horrified by the 'amusing' stories of throwing away other people's property, letting it get rained on or damaged deliberately, even extended to some poor kid's college work in one post :eek:.

To me, that's far more disrespectful and downright mean than having a messy bedroom as a teenager.

For me its the idea of chucking it outside windows.....

I don't get this.

It creates more mess. It teaches what? Its ok to litter? To destroy in a tantrum? I think after repeated requests, warnings , pleading ...it is ok to take action, but I cannot see sense in the action being similarly messy.

ViolaLass

lostinrates wrote: »

For me its the idea of chucking it outside windows.....

I don't get this.

It creates more mess. It teaches what? Its ok to litter? To destroy in a tantrum? I think after repeated requests, warnings , pleading ...it is ok to take action, but I cannot see sense in the action being similarly messy.

I can only repeat what my mother said:

"It'll be your fault if it gets wet."

kerri_gt

Flossie. wrote: »

Hi guys. Actually, although that was a pretty horrible thing he did, no he didn't make a habit of doing stuff like that. (In fact he never did anything as bad as that before or since. He would hide stuff away occasionally if I was a bit naughty, as a punishment, and give it back a week later and he was actually pretty quiet and gentle (usually!)

If anything, it was my mother that was a confrontational and shouty person who could start a fight in an empty room. :rotfl: (Sometimes she was OK, and pleasant to be with, but if you caught her on a bad day, she was like a grizzly bear with a migraine!)

My father though rarely lost his temper, so yes as Jaylee said, it 'was' unusual for something like this to happen, so I think that is why I was so shocked and upset by it. Maybe he was just having a bad day or week. It was the mid 70s, and nobody talked about how they were feeling then (if they felt low or anything.)

No, he didn't ever apologise for it, and never mentioned it again. He didn't do anything like that again though.

It did stick with me though, as it was a pretty horrible thing for him to do. That is why I also can't get on board with the posters here who are celebrating trashing teenagers rooms and destroying their possessions as a 'punishment' for being untidy.

Sounds like he was unfortunately venting about something else by doing that - almost like a toddler temper tantrum. I expect if it was totally out of character he was as upset and prob ashamed about acting like that which is why he didn't mention it again. Its no excuse but as children and teens we don't fully appreciate the stresses of adult life - which is quite right, that's what childhood is for.

For what its worth I don't agree with trashing or breaking items as a 'lesson' it doesn't teach respect about items. Confiscating a favourite item for a period is totally different - earning it back does help cement the idea that things have a value - although this might be a bit childish for a teenager.