Feeling unsupported

gilly1964

Hello,

Sorry to burden you all with my troubles,but I just needed to write them down so that I could hopefully feel better.

I have spent since September 2006, not long I know, trying to improve our situation with money.

I have changed utility providers, car insurers, moved credit cards to 0% rates, worked any overtime going, meal planned, bulk cooked so there is always something in the freezer, joined Pigsback, Quidco, Ebayed things no longer used, sorted out things for a car boot, extended the mortgage term and put in endowment mis-selling claims.

I have done all this and all the OH can do is spend, things like we make £30 on Ebay, so he spends £35 as it is only spending £5 :mad:
Just lately it feels like there are 2 children in the house, my OH and his son with me ever the parent, only cook, bottle washer, housemaid etc to both of them.

I don't think I can take it anymore but don't know how to explain without losing my temper.

The final straw was that maintenance to his ex was supposed to go down this week as their daughter has now left college, but he has agreed with her it will carry on to the end of August as she is struggling financially - but then in the same breath could we have SS for two weeks in September when she is in Cyprus on holiday:mad: Of course, he agreed and I don't have a problem with that but why the heck are we paying her maintenance for the school holidays when he is here from this Friday till he goes back to school on September 4th

Sorry, just a rant but I now feel so much better and thanks for listening.

poppyjay

its hard have same problem with my husband cant offer any advice but good luck

CharliesAngel

gilly1964 wrote: »

I have spent since September 2006, not long I know, trying to improve our situation with money.

OH still not there with the LBM?! Any flickering perhaps?

I'm not one to give relationship advice lol... but you have been listened to! If that's any help whatsoever...

CA

never_too_late_2

hi gilly,

my husband and i don't quite see eye to eye on financial matters either but we're getting better. don't have any golden advice for you i'm afraid except that you need to get him to understand where you're coming from and why.

i sat down with my hubbie one w/end and put down in black and white just how much debt we had, planned expenditure coming up etc and how paying a little off each month and having no idea where our wages were going was not going to help sort out the long-term issue. we were looking at being in debt for the next 5 years and that's not including his HUGE student loan.

he still isn't as on board as i would like but i've tried to explain to him that i would like to think we're in a position to have kids in the next 2/3 years and currently, we can basically just look after ourselves.

so slowly and through lots of questions and ideas and tips from this site, i'm getting him to understand that i'm doing this for both of us. i think one of the things that hit home with him was when he learnt that his brother's family (2 adults, 2 kids) live on slightly less than we do and they live better and in a scandinavian country in which the cost of living is shockingly high.

assume you've tried to broach the subject? how does the conversation go?

wishing you well!
never too late

wherediditallgo

Some OHs can be incredibly dense to how their spending affects not just their partner, but also the household in general. His generosity is going to cost you money that you can't afford, & that you'll ultimately begrudge.

If you can't speak to him without getting angry, why not write him a letter? Do it on your computer so that you can change/add bits as & where necessary, & take a few days to do it so that by the end you're writing in a relatively calm fashion but still making your key points very clear. At the end of the letter, tell him that you still love him but you're worried about the stress the money issues are causing on your relationship, so you'd like him to put aside an hour or so within the next week to discuss them with you in a local park. That way, you'll get an hour where you're not going to be interrupted by children, the phone, the doorbell etc.

When you meet with him, carry your key points with you, one of which is the lack of communication about spending before it happens, rather than presenting you with a fait accompli. You seem to be the person doing most/all of the budgeting for the household, so it's important that you agree the spending together so that you don't feel resentful & he doesn't feel able to spend any of the joint funds. Things like the maintenance during school holidays are irritating, but maybe there's room for agreement on how the costs are worked out for future holidays. I suspect he'd put his time with his child above whatever it costs financially, so I don't think there's much likelihood of changing it for this holiday now the decision's already been made & communicated to his ex. You do need to talk though, if only to lessen the chances of these situations arising again in future. Good luck.

gilly1964

Thank you for your replies yesterday.

I have spent a long time getting things sorted in my head and on paper.

I grew up in a single parent household, where money was tight. It was not what now seems to be the normal situation for a single parent home, our Mum died when I was 8 and my brother 6 in the early 70's.

Dad had never cooked, cleaned or done anything around the house and suddenly he had to learn and learn fast. Budgeting was not something he knew about and our junior school years revolved around many mistakes, financially and medically, anyone for chicken cooked from frozen:eek:

Once I got to 10 or 11, I learned to cook, as it was better than eating the same thing every week, shop bought shepherds pie, meat pies, chops, sausages, tinned veg and mash. Dad trusted me to budget and to make sure we had a good dinner, so much so that there was always money left over at the end of the week for a chippy dinner and we rarely ate tinned veg.

My OH grew up in a house where Mum was at home all day, cooking, baking and only went to work to pay for the holiday abroad every year and the Christmas break by the sea. It was not a man's job to do things around the house and unfortunately and he does admit this it is ingrained into him. But even more unfortunately his son seems to believe that this is the norm and has learned the same traits and as he goes between here and his mother's there is no consistency - she waits on him hand and foot and I refuse to. I think at 14 he is old enough to put his lunch and school books into his bag.:mad:

I digress in my explanation of the differences, but as a consequnce I have now drawn up a household rota and also a budget having used the CCCS debt remedy tool. If my stepson wants to have pocket money, he must earn it and if the OH wants me to be less stressed he needs to understand that a relationship is a two way thing in all aspects.

We are going to sit down tonight with the budget as it should be and the budget as it has been. currently we do not allow for vehicle tax, maintenance, gifts, dentist, optician, but do allow for the gym that we rarely go to. In the new budget the gym is gone, the mortgage is overpaid, the loan is overpaid, the grocery budget is cut by a third, and there are some savings for the above mentioned things.

We had a brief conversation last night where I explained how I am feeling and I know he truly understands but whether he has fully comprehended that I can no longer do this on my own, all I can say, is ask me again in a couple of months.

Thanks for listenng once again.

Best wishes to everyone:T

Valley's_girl

Hi Gilly I just want to wish you luck!
Ally xx

never_too_late_2

sounds like you're definitely heading in the right direction gilly so wishing you and your OH the best of luck. feel free to PM or post anytime ;-)

hugs,
ntl

Keeping_Positive

Good luck Gilly

It may take a while but hopefully the point will hit home. My OH is getting better but it has taken several years and me breaking down to get through to him that I need some help financially. He now pays me £100 a month, pays for the petrol and kids school trips. He only has income capacity and low disability allowance coming in and has a payment plan for his debts. I am extra proud that he has given up smoking to help something I had given up on happening.

We are not out of the woods yet but it feels much easier.

So if he can change (not that our problems were all his fault) hopefully yours will too.

angelavdavis

Hi Gilly,

I know that you are not alone with the lack of support, someone else recently posted a similar scenario on Old Style board.

It sounds like your chappy is at least a bit more open to your motives though, which is good.

Good luck with your chat.

SarahNeedle1872

Hi Gilly,

just read ur posts, good luck with ur chat and let us know how u get on

Sarah x