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Savvybuyer

fairclaire wrote: »

I wouldn't want you to be normal either because you are just fine as you are. Ive enjoyed reading your posts tonight I have 2 boys here absolutely itching to get back into the sort of routine, that despite my best efforts, I can't quite give them

You don't even realise it, but you give me hope (and maybe other people too?) that kids with similar conditions will function 'normally' and even as highly as you do in the future

I love reading about your journey

But, see the implication again, if I'm not "normal", then I must be abnormal and that is "wrong"! I'd rather be abnormal! If normality is so dysfunctional (as it appears to be in so many different areas).

One of my parents often told me to "act normally". "You're not being normal are you?" This was pre-diagnosis. Grow up, get a girlfriend! It actually upset me a great deal at times when I started thinking about that.

I think my diagnosis actually upset them as it turned out to show that I wasn't "normal" at all! But, then, I had no reason to be normal or to pretend or maintain that I was. Normal actually can be a bad and wrong thing. My parent just didn't/doesn't seem to accept this as being a possibility. Perhaps because they are normal:laugh:.

They didn't like it as I could now say "But I'm not normal!" and I think I ended up upsetting them somewhat although if I did it was totally unintentionally (things never* come out of my mouth in the right way:o:o, as part of my condition. Tongue-tiedness, unless going on incessantly about a special interest, words don't quite come out the way you intended them - that's why writing is a whole lot easier as you can think about what you have written and amend it. I suppose everyone has this (in oral communication) to some extent. Although I do also think it is part of the way autism brains process information - the 'thinking on your feet' doesn't work for us - I can only speak for myself though - I tend to talk without thinking about what I am to say, or otherwise I do the opposite - and Asperger's again a 'careful consideration of what to say and how to say it' (Tony Attwood, Complete Guide to..., page whatever page it is on) - it means we are delayed and not giving spontaneous answers - instead giving a carefully considered response that is actually correct but because it's not spontaneous doesn't have the impact at the right moment in the social situation. And it is this last aspect, of being said at the right time, in the right way, that trumps everything else under 'your' (i.e. most people's) approach - the way things are in the non-autistic world (i.e. it is your world, not mine).

And as for me never having had a girlfriend (and 'never' there is literally), I accept that there are reasons why that has been the case and that that has happened because of (or as a consequence of) my condition - failure to pick up body language cues etc. It really wasn't (and isn't) my fault and there is no need to worry or be upset about anything or the way that has turned out but to deal with the situation as is and go from there and move in your life however you move and go on from there. I am now also liberated and freed-up, in many aspects, from having to be "normal"!:D:j:j

*Not literally

Savvybuyer

They used to do dating sessions in my area (I don't think they do them anymore) and I went to them but never got any success out of them. Maybe the women just went for a laugh?:think: If they did do them again though, I would go along to them and, now that I'm aware of, and can explain about (but hopefully not to the point of obsession:rotfl:) my Asperger's, perhaps it would give me a greater chance of success. As opposed to not coming across in a 'right way', unbeknown to me of course, and not being able to read people and respond to that as 'everyone else' constantly does.

After all, Asperger's, these days, is "slightly cool".

Gor, I must have wasted so much money on those dating sessions back in the day, unaware that they were doomed to lead to nought!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: (But they did 'get me out of the house' and provide an evening out for me, which was a good thing - is a good thing - and well worth the money in that respect.)

Things have, however, moved on in my personal life (I'm not telling you how but) - the situation now isn't really the right time for me to be looking for anyone and getting a soulmate.

I'm aware more so, directly, now that I need to ask people about themselves. A little more than perhaps I did (I'm not aware of how I did and can't remember or analysis about what I said/didn't say in those circumstances). I probably did ask about themselves but maybe focussed a little too much on me (I know others with autism do this far more than probably me). The 'difficulty' is that it is easier to respond to what someone is saying to me or asking me about, but thinking of something of say,and doing it more actively from my start, is quite hard - I tend to dry up and not be able to know what to say. I couldn't move the conversation on by thinking of something else to talk about - I'd more probably respond to what was already being talked about (probably after the other person had finished on it:o) or else revert to talking about Asperger's (but why not?:rotfl:) or my (other) specialist interests. Great for you, on here, but come on...anyone else?!? Not really!

I hope that helps people understand what it is like for someone with Asperger's. (A condition that, for the most part of my life so far, I didn't know I had - I suspected (long before everyone else!:D:j) that I might have, and then quickly discounted the possibility - which was wrong - and I went on with much of my life and kept assuming that I was normal.)

fairclaire

Savvybuyer wrote: »

But, see the implication again, if I'm not "normal", then I must be abnormal and that is "wrong"! I'd rather be abnormal! If normality is so dysfunctional (as it appears to be in so many different areas).

One of my parents often told me to "act normally". "You're not being normal are you?" This was pre-diagnosis. Grow up, get a girlfriend! It actually upset me a great deal at times when I started thinking about that.

I think my diagnosis actually upset them as it turned out to show that I wasn't "normal" at all! But, then, I had no reason to be normal or to pretend or maintain that I was. Normal actually can be a bad and wrong thing. My parent just didn't/doesn't seem to accept this as being a possibility. Perhaps because they are normal:laugh:.

They didn't like it as I could now say "But I'm not normal!" and I think I ended up upsetting them somewhat although if I did it was totally unintentionally (things never* come out of my mouth in the right way:o:o, as part of my condition. Tongue-tiedness, unless going on incessantly about a special interest, words don't quite come out the way you intended them - that's why writing is a whole lot easier as you can think about what you have written and amend it. I suppose everyone has this (in oral communication) to some extent. Although I do also think it is part of the way autism brains process information - the 'thinking on your feet' doesn't work for us - I can only speak for myself though - I tend to talk without thinking about what I am to say, or otherwise I do the opposite - and Asperger's again a 'careful consideration of what to say and how to say it' (Tony Attwood, Complete Guide to..., page whatever page it is on) - it means we are delayed and not giving spontaneous answers - instead giving a carefully considered response that is actually correct but because it's not spontaneous doesn't have the impact at the right moment in the social situation. And it is this last aspect, of being said at the right time, in the right way, that trumps everything else under 'your' (i.e. most people's) approach - the way things are in the non-autistic world (i.e. it is your world, not mine).

And as for me never having had a girlfriend (and 'never' there is literally), I accept that there are reasons why that has been the case and that that has happened because of (or as a consequence of) my condition - failure to pick up body language cues etc.

*Not literally

Oh Savvy I spend a lot of my time convincing my children and people who stay here to just be happy with who they are. they all have the most amazing qualities.
Your parents were of an era that didn't understand the condition. Not their fault, it's just how things were then.

I think YOU have found yourself and and you have an amazing insight into who and what you are and why.

Having a girlfriend isn't all it's cracked up to be. I know....Ive been one, they exist to give you grief

You fit in perfectly here, because wether we admit or not, every single person here has their little foibles. Abnormalities that don't quite fit in with everyone around us. We are all abnormal, just like you

Savvybuyer

fairclaire wrote: »

Oh Savvy I spend a lot of my time convincing my children and people who stay here to just be happy with who they are. they all have the most amazing qualities.
[2] Your parents were of an era that didn't understand the condition. Not their fault, it's just how things were then.

I think YOU have found yourself and and you have an amazing insight into who and what you are and why.

[1] Having a girlfriend isn't all it's cracked up to be. I know....Ive been one, they exist to give you grief

You fit in perfectly here, because wether we admit or not, every single person here has their little foibles. Abnormalities that don't quite fit in with everyone around us. [3] We are all abnormal, just like you

[1] I know. Even the person saying I should get one also, on other occasions, said this. Just goes to prove their inconsistency again... a feature of most (if not all) people!

[2] They hadn't even heard of the condition. It was a specialist subject, known to only a few clinicians at a high level, in the 1980s. That was when I was at school. The schoolteachers therefore missed it completely - I'm sure if I had mentioned my breif thought about it, I would have had a hard job indeed convincing anybody that that was the case or even convincing them to find out what Asperger's was. The medical world was unaware of its existence. It wasn't just an era that didn't understand the condition, but one that was unaware of the existence of the condition even in the first place. I had a brief thought I might have it - I breathed not a single word to anyone, because I was scared that if I did, I would be immediately taken out of school, put into a specialist school and cast aside and treated as "disabled". (There might have been the, incorrect, assumption that Asperger's was as severe as classic autism*.) Of course, I learned about the existence of Asperger's, way before almost the entire medical profession I suspect, by reading and reading a lot and happening to pick up this obscure medical text from the school library one day. Just so typical of me - I'd be in the library when everyone else was in the playground - I'd read books cover to cover - and just so typical for me to be light years ahead of virtually everyone else!

I think it was probably an article about Lorna Wing's seminal article from 1981. Me reading that, in about the same year or a few year afterwards. Aged 8 or whatever I was. Of course the article (or else a report about what she had said in the article) was edged in with academic caution at the time, as not much was known about it - obviously a lot less than today, when even now we don't certain things or what causes etc. My teachers would have been unaware of that article, even if I could have explained it to them - which, almost certainly, I couldn't. I was too shy back then - that trait itself a formulation of the condition and, as I said, looking back - every aspect was there. (What teachers were describing about me, the way I was "a mine of information" but "didn't say much", "oral communications skills" lacking - the fact of Asperger's was there, now blatantly there if we look back at it!:laugh:) Why I rejected so soon (my thought that I might have Asperger's), on the basis of some minor misunderstanding about the condition by myself, instead of steadfastly holding to the truth, of what later - on my 'official' diagnosis, turned out to be true - well, actually yes, I rejected it for that reason (my minor misunderstanding). Answered my question:D:D. It was sort of very midly implied, on a couple or so occasions, over more recent years, that it was there but, it never finally clicked with me directly until I was diagnosed. I took to that diagnosis (again partly because of the timing of it as well) like a duck to water and happily took my rightful seat on the autism spectrum seating!

[3] Indeed!

*Note: in some cases, although the term "mild form of autism" is used, the effects of Asperger's are, in their own way, "severe" effects on the individual with it. I cannot see body language (other than the most overt). That is not a mild inability to see non-overt body language - it is a severe and profound, pervasive thing. A person who is blind is not "mildly blind" are they? We (or clinicians etc.) use the term "mild" to relate to other things in respect of the continuum between classic autism and Asperger's. I assume the communication problems in autistic (that is classic autism) individuals are more severe than in Asperger's - I with Asperger's, for example, do communicate orally as part of my daily life and, if you met me, you very likely wouldn't tell (at least not at the outset) that I was any different from the ordinary person. I don't use a computer to communicate to people in the face in normal life. I speak with my own mouth, as do most people. But, because I come across as 'normal', this does mask the fact the disability is 'hidden', and therefore gives rise to more problems in a sense, as people cannot know about or make allowances for it, for that reason. And, if I explain it to them, how? when? and to what extent do I go on about it? And am I "confident" enough to explain it to them? (this itself is a problem for me because of the very condition) - I'd have to practise, like rote, what I was going to say, even then I would forget it or it would come out wrong, can I carry a crib sheet with me to remind me (I'd write word for word all I was going to say, but would then, in the heat of the moment, forget to use it thoroughly, message would get distorted/misunderstood) - either way it wouldn't come across as intended and 'normal' people would get bored if I ever tried to explain it to them, as I'd have to explain it in detail, yet again!, just me:rotfl:, and so hard to summarise as it is such a complex condition. (In a way though, I also like it that way! So appropriate and so typical that such a complex condition could apply to such a complex and complicated person like me, who often loves the alternative, round-about way. I hope I'm a straightforward guy most times though!:rotfl: Straightforward, honest, beautiful... alright, that's enough..!!:rotfl::rotfl:)

Hopefully also, albeit unintentionally, this last bit gives a flavour of what it's like in the dating situation, as in every situation when talking with anyone. Well, except that it's easier (for me) when talking to family/friends in the living room (that is where they are prepared to listen and give time to understanding and aren't having a slanging match:laugh:).

Savvybuyer

Righto, that's my essays for tonight!:o:o:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Goodnight folks!:D:D And, thank you for your understanding/patience!

:T
Bye.:wave::wave:

Savvybuyer

fairclaire wrote: »

I wouldn't want you to be normal either because you are just fine as you are. Ive enjoyed reading your posts tonight I have 2 boys here absolutely itching to get back into the sort of routine, that despite my best efforts, I can't quite give them

You don't even realise it, but you give me hope (and maybe other people too?) that kids with similar conditions will function 'normally' and even as highly as you do in the future;)

I love reading about your journey

Hmm:think:... maybe I don't function as highly as most people though?:think::think:(:(:question:) Or maybe other people, with other conditions, don't function as highly as I do. (I didn't originally have another frown at this point, but didn't want to end up appearing to be on a 'down note', whilst also not wanting to put a frown against only my own potential lacking in functioning and not also against other people's. It's a complex world...:rotfl:, trying to tight-rope and not imply things whilst at the same time not appearing to frown too much...:rotfl::rotfl::D)

Finally... what "journey"?:huh: It's like I've just got off a bus tonight, which I have not. Reminds me, actually, and this a sad one - when the President of South Africa recently announced Nelson Mandela's death and said "Madeeba has departed". I was like "Where to?"

He [Jacob Zuma] made it sound like he'd [Nelson Mandela] just got on a bus or train or something. Of course I knew exactly what he [Mr Zuma], sadly, really meant (even if the bus/train literalism came straight to me first) - and, in its own way, an 'interesting' example of the use of euphemism by most people. Although, to saying it is "interesting" and to be discussing it like this, runs the risk of - and I don't wish to - trivialising the seriousness of his "departure". RIP Nelson Mandela.

If ever there was anyone that, through his struggles and the victimisation to which he was subject, changed the world for the better, I'm sure many would describe Mr Mandela in that way, and as would I.

strewth71

Savvybuyer wrote: »

http://www.azfamily.com/good-morning-arizona/Folding-paper--273795601.html

"If a child is quirky but seems to function well, no one is concerned."

Or, not just a child, but also an adult, we might add!
I am a quirky adult but I function fairly well. Looking back now, there were signs of my Asperger's at a very young age - and throughout my schoolhood - and it just so fits into place with that. I cope fairly well, although, as you know, I get involved in my special interests (which also led to me being on here), which have a very functional purpose, but they do detract from household tasks. Right - I should be doing those tasks now rather than writing things onto here! To be fair, although things are a little bit more than what you'd perhaps see in the 'normal household' (if there is such a thing), I'm not drowning under anything and have free passage throughout the house! I'm functioning fairly well.

To be fair, some people that don't have Asperger's (which is accompanied with strong, obsessional interests and possibly a certain level of expertise being mastered in those areas), some people without the condition, appear to be on here quite a lot and to the point that it might be thought to be "obsessive". I was catching up with aau1's helpful first-of-the-month earning of Nectar points - hadn't had time to do that straight off - and, all done, but noticed aau1, you weren't supposed to be here much (or maybe you are back now after passing your exams) but were on here posting about sixteen times in one recent night!

At least I managed to put off getting involved in writing this post (I was thinking about writing such a post about two days ago but went and did the house instead). We now have all the confectionery items sorted into those due up in the next few months and those that are not BB until next year (or beyond). The tins have yet to follow:(.

Struck such a chord savvy, ds2 is 5 and is being assessed for autism/adhd at the minute. He is quirky and I have sispected since he was around 18 months that he is "different". I am a mum of 4 - oldest 24 and ds2 is the youngest. Yes, every child is unique but I know that there is more to it with ds2. He doesn't fit into what ohers think of as a child with autism or adhd, he is a very polite, articulate little boy who is extremely knowledgable about the subjects he takes a particular interest in. His confidence is unnerving, he will walk into any situation like he does it every day and introduce himself to all and sundry like he has known them for years. He hates having dirt on his hands, slime makes him wretch and strong smells have the same effect. His teachers have said that there is something that they cant put their finger on but because he is not disruptive and aggressive at school he is not on the top of their list of kids to look out for.

My issue is that he cannot sit and focus on anything that is not on his very short list of things that warrant his special attention, he can't be left to work on any given task as he needs nudging and cadjoling every step of the way. He is a bit of a space invader, he likes to be right up close to people. Reading came very easily to him which surprised me as I thought he may struggle with it. In nursery last year he missed a lot of the "golden time" for what nursery staff described as little things. Spinning on his bottom when he should have been facing forward was one repeated misdemeanor.

I have instigated the assesment as I want school to recognise that if there is an issue with the way ds2 behaves it is not because he is a "naughty child". At home we have learnt how to handle him being fair but firm and explaining things to him at extra length. We also give him time warnings before we expect him to do any given activity.

I considered Aspergers to be a possible diagnosis but the doctor that did his initial assessment said that because he had a delay in his speech they would not diagnose it?? She also said that they are "doing away with aspergers as a diagnosis and putting it in with autism". From my research they seem to be separate conditions.


The little quirks are what makes ds2 who he is and I really would not want to change him in any way. I just want to make sure that he is not misunderstood and does not get unfairly labelled as a naughty child because he is very far from that.

Sorry to ramble...just noticed how long this post is :eek: I often read your posts savvy and they make me think of my little munchkin :A

nerfdad

Good morning:)

cjj_2

Good morning.

streetlights

Good morning everybody, I hope you are well and have fabulous Monday whatever you are doing.

Happy shopping.