DH and I have different approaches to sharing.

Lalala_3

I’ve been lurking for a while, I’m an existing MSE member but didn’t want to be identifiable so have used a spare email account to register under a new name (Lalala is the sound I’ve made in the past when putting my fingers in my ears if challenged about my spending!)

I have £24k debt and this has remained pretty static for a few years, managed to pay off about £3k but need to get my head round it properly now.

DH has £8k, which he’s paid off from approx £25k too.

I used to earn quite a bit more than him, but the gap has reduced since we’ve had a baby and I’ve reduced my hours a little/he’s had a couple of good raises. When I went back to work after maternity leave the gap was still quite large and we agreed that I would pay the nursery fees (around £500 a month) as I had a bigger income.

His pay increased almost as soon as I went back to work but we’ve carried on with the existing arrangement as he was trying to pay off his debts and didn’t have the spare cash.

Now he’s about to change jobs, to one that’s much much better paid that mine (i.e. about 2.5 times better the lucky chap) and he’s offered to pay half of the nursery fees. Hooray said I,that would be great!

And so it would, but now I’ve had time to think I feel it would be fairer if he paid all of it for a while like I did, that way I might be able to reduce my debts by a big chunk too. He’s already talking about buying a flash car etc etc and I really am pleased that he’s got such a good opportunity. But I feel a bit miffed that I’ve put my personal finances on hold for a while (although admittedly I have been really dreadful with my money and could have paid off a bit if I’d really been sensible, LBM only relatively recent). However I don't want him to think that I'm jealous of his good fortune (even though I wish he saw it as "our" good fortune in the way I do when I get a bonus/raise etc. Bit of a mixed message I suppose) as he has worked very hard for it and is taking a bit of a risk in moving jobs, and I support him 100% in the change.

What do you think? Is this reasonable or am I just going to create a big old domestic- am I a nag who should let him go and enjoy his new (and never before experienced) cash flow or could I realistically hope for some reciprocal support? Honest thoughts please, if I am way out of line I’d rather hear it from you guys at a distance than my dh in a grump and in my living room because I’ve told him I don’t think he should buy his new toy J

Emmzi

The question to me is,

are you partners?
or are you two people who co-habit and share a baby and bills?

alwaysonthego_2

I think I would be peed off if my DH was like that. Me and DH share all our money and I am the one that controls all the finances and pays all the bills. My DH's wages comes into a joint bank account, I don't work a full time mum and soon off to uni. Once I get my degree and get a decent job, we will still pool our wages.

HairyHandofDartmoor

I think I would go for a softly softly approach and say 'thanks, great' to his offer of paying half the fees. Then give him a few months to settle into the job and enjoy his new salary, then maybe broach the subject of him paying more of the nursery fees (ie half!). Tell him what a great job he has done to pay off so much of his debt and how you would like to emulate his success, but it would be so much easier if you didn't have to pay the nursery fees, etc!

If you spurn his offer now (which he probably thinks is really generous) and say you think he should pay the whole lot, then he will probably be miffed and it may seem a bit like a slap in the face.

As someone who has been married for 20 years, I find that the diplomatic, softly softly approach works well for getting what you want without conflict.

However you know him best, so this may not be the perfect advice for you.

Lalala_3

Emzi- Well we're married- but I see your point. We have always had very separate finances (ie salaries paid into own accounts, then each pay half of household outgoings into joint account where all bills are taken from, own credit cards/loan etc) but when I think about it I've always been the one paying more (eg when he was a student only expected half of bills to be paid not rent etc) and I am happy to do this if I am earning more as I don't think it's fair to make him pay exactly the same as me if proportionately he's earning less.
He's not tight though- far from it- but the joint purchases he contributes to are things that he wants for the house that I would be very happy to live without and argue against having (e.g. monster telly, gas barbecue- nice to have but by no means essential) but end up paying half for because he will go ahead and buy it anyway out of his own money and that doesn't seem fair to me if I'm going to end up getting the benefit anyway.

poppyjay

well done with how far you both have come i would let him enjoy it for a few months then take it up with him or try and make him think its his idea i dont know how but normaly works with my oh good luck