Taking lows with the highs

blackangeluk

I am officially fed up. I know I have had good news in the past few weeks with extra money, DH's jobs etc but I feel as soon as there is a glimmer of hope I get a slap in the face.

Got home last night to an invoice from nursery, fees are increasing £2.45 per day :eek: - that is about an extra £50 a month we now have to fork out.

DH needs a filling, about £60 for an NHS one. We have Denplan but obviously that doesn't cover it. Have just managed to persuade him that he does not need a white one which was over £150.

Huge arguments with DH over money, we had less rows before we faced up to our debts To cut a long story short I didn't go out on Friday when I was asked by a friend as we couldn't afford it, instead we had a very cheap night in. DH went out on Sat night regardless and then informed me "If I want to spend £100 on a night out I will do exactly that".

He starts his new job in August and we had had a long chat last week about what to do with the extra money, and sorted out that we would put some away for a budget for the insurance, birthdays, xmas, clothes etc and then have a £240 a month for "spends" and any left over is to go in the debt pot. He turned round at the weekend and said he wanted the extra £400+ he will get from this new job for himself in his own bank account as he has earned it :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

For years I have earned more than him, paid for holidays etc and we have never ever budgeted and this is why we're in the mess we are in now.

He has apologised and agreed to go back on to the budget and put money away. We have come to the compromise that we take £60 out a week and put it in a pot and once its gone its gone.

I just feel so utterly fed up with the whole situation, I thought we had established common thinking ground re money but this weekend makes me doubt it. His long term goals are to pay mortgage off early, put money away to budget for holidays etc and buy another house as an investment in 10 years time - quite how are we going to manage this without being sensible now.

I feel I have turned into a money obsessed nag and I am a misery to live with.

Sorry for the moan, but I can't tell anyone else as they just wouldn't understand. My DH is lovely but he can also be difficult at times...........like this weekend

Seaxwyn

Oh blackangel, I haven't got any wise advice to share but I do feel for you. It's miserable, isn't it. I too feel that I've turned into a money-obsessed nag and a misery to live with. We just have to comfort ourselves that we know we're doing the right thing and time will prove that the misery was worthwhile.

Keep going.... it sounds as if his lightbulb flickers so there's definitely hope that he will join you full-time on the mission.

Storm

Perhaps show him via the snowball how big a difference that £400 a month will make to your DFD? I found that seeing how much interest would be saved is a great motivator!

What's probably caused this backtracking is him firstly getting excited about a substantial pay increase, but then realise that it's not going to mean anything extra in his pocket - I had a similar thing myself last week when I got a pay rise confirmed (although being a good DFW I soon started working out how much more a month I could put towards the debts!) Perhaps you could offer a compromise where the first month especially he gets some extra to treat himself (£100 or something?)

Good luckm and have a big (((((HUG)))))

blackangeluk

Storm wrote: »

Perhaps show him via the snowball how big a difference that £400 a month will make to your DFD? I found that seeing how much interest would be saved is a great motivator!

What's probably caused this backtracking is him firstly getting excited about a substantial pay increase, but then realise that it's not going to mean anything extra in his pocket - I had a similar thing myself last week when I got a pay rise confirmed (although being a good DFW I soon started working out how much more a month I could put towards the debts!) Perhaps you could offer a compromise where the first month especially he gets some extra to treat himself (£100 or something?)

Good luckm and have a big (((((HUG)))))

Thanks Storm, I printed off the list of incoming and outgoings for him to see the situation. He is due about £800 of unpaid holidays from current job and he has asked for all of that to buy some clothes :eek: :eek: :eek: our compromise (after much discussion) is that he could have £250. Prior to LBM we booked and paid for a 2 week holiday and we need spending money for that - I am so tired of pointing out to him that money does not just appear for these occasions.

This morning even consolidation seemed like a good idea :eek: :eek: :eek: I know it's not and I have stepped away from the loan calculator

raq

we are increasing our debt payments by £100.00 a week to clear earned by my hubby. He is fully aware although he is working extremely hard we have to put this debt to clear it all and be in a much better position for us and the kids.

I nag aswell, don't we all ,so don't feel guilty about that one.

All the best

hypno06

Oh hun, sorry to hear that you are feeling so crappy today.

I can only echo what the others have said - put the figures into the snowball calculator and try and use that for motivation for him.

We all nag - we are getting pretty good at it. Sometimes you do want to give up and do things the "easy" way ie not learning by it, but you know that you are doing the right thing as you are - keep going and he will follow..........eventually!!!

(((((((((hugs))))))))))

newlywed

I know the feeling. I am on a DMP and OH seems to think I can magic up extra money for the car wash, for extra food he suddenly wants, for storage stuff for his DIY bits etc. Today he is asking me to list where all my money has gone this month :rolleyes: Still have to pay for work done on our car too, which I will have to find. Now he wants me to buy bits to repair the car boot shelf off ebay for about £40 and can't understand why I don't have it. Before it would have gone on the credit card for a quiet life - now I can't do that as they are all stopped due to the DMP.

Also he has started moaning when things run out - there's never any left when he wants to use something - eg vinegar, apple juice, tissues, etc. But he won't go into a shop to buy anything unless it's B&Q - that's up to me - and it has to come out of my money even if it's his contact lense cleaning stuff. Seems to think I should know he's running out of his cereal when he doesn't tell me and i don't eat it!!

blackangeluk

Thank you for all your replies, feeling slightly less grumpy now :rolleyes: My mood was not helped by the plan of action I had for today......

I feel a lot of pressure at work as I work for a small firm (4 of us), we are all very close, everyone knows everything about each other and everyone also assumes I have the money to lunch out everyday as they do - clearly this is not the case. I take my lunch in everyday but for example yesterday I was pestered that much to go out, I ended up going out and spending £7 on lunch :mad:

They also know DH has a new job (it is more like a family than an office!) and that I have been cutting corners so they now think I'm even richer than they thought I was before.

I have been thinking for some time and this morning I took the plunge and told my two bosses that I had a lot of debt and couldn't afford to keep up with lunches out etc and that it was really stressing me having to think of excuses all the time. To be fair they have been fab, I felt stupid, embarrassed, slightly sick and panicky that I have told them, but I just can't put a front on 24 hours a day.

They have extremely kindly offered to lend me the money interest free to repay the CC's and pay a manageable sum per month but I am not taking them up on the offer for the simple fact that I do not want to be beholden to them and feel I can never leave, but most importantly this is my debt and I will pay it off as it should be, I feel this is the only way I can learn from my mistakes. Is that an incredibly stupid thing to do....refuse a good offer? I didn't tell them with the intention that they would offer to help etc and i have said if we do lunch then I will pay for my own... this was not done to make me into a charity. To be fair though I have accepted with good grace the kingsize Mars bar they have bought back.

I do feel relieved that they know why I have been acting oddly recently, cutting back and no benefits of it being seen, will make life a whole lot easier workwise I hope :rolleyes:

I have told DH what I have done, he says he feels embarrassed but he works in a large company and I feel like I work with my 2nd family so we have completely different work environments. Hopefully this can only make the DFW journey easier as there is no more "keeping up with the jones'"??

Oh and I cried.........the shame of it all........:cool:

Sea78

Oh massive hugs BA - I do hope that you feel better now that your bosses kno w(and what a kind offer, but well done for saying no!).

I have the same problem with OH - for years I earnt a lot more and therefore it was me who paid all the bills etc. Since Sept he has earnt more that me and has lorded this over me somewhat - his money is his money - even though he denies this. He took over the mortgage in Jan (well, simply started a SO from his account rather than mine) and I have now had - well I pay the mortgage so I can decide what happens in my house - idiot.

I'm going to be back earning loads more that him in Sept and I really feel it'll help our relationship lol! Sounds daft I know. Can't bloody wait!!

Hugs again
Sea xxx

blackangeluk

Hi Sea, your post is exactly how it is at the moment and it feels so demoralising. I don't think he honestly understands how hurtful it is that he is "lording it" (spot on phrase BTW) re money.

If he says "I earn £...k per month, I will buy what I like" - I will shove his wages where the sun doesn't shine :mad: He conveniently forgets we have two children who need feeding, clothing, caring for and a house to run - !!!!!!

Feel better now

jo1972

I can completely sypathise, my DH doesn't really get the money thing either. I've opened a joint account for the bills to go out of so we pay half and half but he's still just giving me dribs and drabs so I never know what I'm getting and when (I deal with all the bills), but then he'll suddenly have a mini lightbulb moment that will last for about 10 minutes when we should do this or that to save money, then he goes out on a shopping spree!

Highly frustrating and if you find the answer please tell me!

Huge hugs for you ((((BA)))) x