How can I help?

tiamaria

I’ve offered to write it all down and work out a pay plan with him, and he’s happy for me to do that, but where do you start when t]

RuthnJasper

That's lovely of you to want to help him Tia. Best advice I can give is to put him in touch with Stepchange; their services are free and incredibly helpful: http://www.stepchange.org/

Or, make an appointment at his local CAB and go along with him. Both organisations are brilliant and can make a real and lasting difference.

Best wishes. x

Ilona

Help him by all means, but don't bail him out. Stepchange is his best bet, he needs professional help.
Ilona

Seanymph

How best can you help him?

By not helping him.

This chappie has 'it's not my fault' as his mantra, and has abused friends and family whilst continuing to make bad decisions by the look of it.

Steer well clear, don't bail him out, and let him grow up and start dealing with his own business.

matttye

Seanymph wrote: »

How best can you help him?

By not helping him.

This chappie has 'it's not my fault' as his mantra, and has abused friends and family whilst continuing to make bad decisions by the look of it.

Steer well clear, don't bail him out, and let him grow up and start dealing with his own business.

Not sure how you got that from the OP. The 'chappie' has no money to pay back his debts and just about has enough money for the bare essentials.

Unless you're suggesting he forego the rent and pay back his friends instead. What a great idea that would be... :T

Seanymph

He’s lost his family and many friends through money matters, problem is he has no permanent employment and it’s impossible to pay anything off with no income. Most of it is owed to ex-friends and employers.

I got it from that. Ex friends and ex employers have obviously lent him money before. I see that as symptomatic of someone who pulls the poor me card and gets others to bail him out. I haven't ever borrowed money from my employer, or my friends.

They are now all 'ex' - as you so rightly say, he has no employer, yet employers have supported him previously to the extent of lending him money - which, quite obviously he hasn't paid back, then he's left.

He also, equally obviously, hasn't paid back his 'friends' and has lost the friendship now.

He is also, from the OP, still not paying any of them back because he's knee deep in his new crisis and the OP is looking to 'support him' in the same way his ex friends and ex employer sought to support him.

I was merely saying perhaps she should keep her money in her pocket, so as not to become an ex partner with no hope of getting her money back because he is too busy trying to get someone else to pay his rent due to all the misfortune that befalls him.

fatbelly

tiamaria wrote: »

I’m at a loss as to how to help my partner. We haven’t been together that long but it’s apparent that his money problems will be the catalyst that breaks us.

He’s lost his family and many friends through money matters, problem is he has no permanent employment and it’s impossible to pay anything off with no income. Most of it is owed to ex-friends and employers. Obviously he has no financial sense as he shouldn't have bought things if he didn't have the cash to pay for it at the time, but I suppose things were going better then.To be fair most of the items were for work/business related.

The main problems at present are – he’s behind with his rent and I can see him becoming homeless before long, also he has a CCJ from an ex landlord who are trying to double up the amount owed while they’re at it, he is appealing but I don’t hold out much hope.

The car’s packed up so any money he gets next week will go on that, he needs a car to get to any work that the agencies might offer (he lives way out in the sticks) – but almost every day there’s someone texting or calling about money he owes them.

I’ve offered to write it all down and work out a pay plan with him, and he’s happy for me to do that, but where do you start when there’s not actually enough income to cover the basics, like food, petrol and rent, let alone any extra? Some weeks he just doesn’t bring in any money at all, I can’t keep bailing him out, it’s not like he’ll ever be in a position to pay it back.

Writing everything down is a good idea. Help him to prioritise what he pays out, and claim any benefits that he is entitled to. But it's always going to be tough if income is sporadic.

He may be falling into the traps of 'robbing peter to pay paul' and paying those who shout loudest.

Keeping up with the rent is important if he's going to stay where he is. Food is important but one person can eat very cheaply if organised. Avoiding fines and extra charges is important too so if he is going to run a car it must be taxed and insured and either get a TV licence or ditch the tv.

Something like a Debt Relief Order may be the way forward, and will mean that he gets professional advice as part of the process but it requires a balanced budget and there's no point going for it if he is effectively still living on credit and loans from friends etc.

chesky

How much does he actually owe? It's no use thinking about a DRO if it's over £15k.

its_maths_not_magic

I'm trying not to be judgmental, but my honest reaction from reading your post is that he hasn't just landed in a bit of hot water, but has created these problems over years of money mismanagement. Now this may not be the case, he may just be really unlucky, but alarm bells are ringing. I've known a few characters that just borrow, spend, move on and repeat. They always have a sob story and are great at manipulating people into lending them money. This may not be the case, but you do have to question why these people are all 'ex'. If it were me, I wouldn't get my finances mixed up with theirs and I probably wouldn't lend them money thinking I'll ever get it back - lets face it, has anyone who has lent them money actually been repaid or have they simply continued to go out and spend?

On the other hand, if your partner has had a run of bad luck and really does want to work their way out of the hole, you'll be able to tell as they do things like work out a DMP with stepchange, come here or go seek help somewhere. Personally, if it were me I would help them by pointing them here, or towards the debt helpline. I would probably sit down and help them work out a budget and support them emotionally while they work through it all but that would be the extent of it. The rest they would have to do.

matttye

Seanymph wrote: »

He’s lost his family and many friends through money matters, problem is he has no permanent employment and it’s impossible to pay anything off with no income. Most of it is owed to ex-friends and employers.

I got it from that. Ex friends and ex employers have obviously lent him money before. I see that as symptomatic of someone who pulls the poor me card and gets others to bail him out. I haven't ever borrowed money from my employer, or my friends.

They are now all 'ex' - as you so rightly say, he has no employer, yet employers have supported him previously to the extent of lending him money - which, quite obviously he hasn't paid back, then he's left.

He also, equally obviously, hasn't paid back his 'friends' and has lost the friendship now.

He is also, from the OP, still not paying any of them back because he's knee deep in his new crisis and the OP is looking to 'support him' in the same way his ex friends and ex employer sought to support him.

I was merely saying perhaps she should keep her money in her pocket, so as not to become an ex partner with no hope of getting her money back because he is too busy trying to get someone else to pay his rent due to all the misfortune that befalls him.

Two ways of looking at it.

"problem is he has no permanent employment and it’s impossible to pay anything off with no income. Most of it is owed to ex-friends and employers."

The implication being that he does not work now but did when he borrowed the money. He perhaps had every intention of paying it back but was subsequently unable to when he lost employment.

But hey, it's easy to judge people you don't know when you don't have the full story.

tiamaria

Hi Thanks for all your comments.

Most of what he owes is for items he has bought from friends or colleagues and mostly business related, not money loans. The ex employer didn't lend him money but he gave him a laptop for work and when the work dried up he wanted either the laptop back or money for it, but all his personal stuff is on the lappy so he doesnt want to get rid of it now.

His family won't speak to him any more because they bailed him out of debt when he was young and it took him years to pay it back.

Basically all his problems have been caused by 1. His inability to control his finances and 2. Not enough income coming in. Most of it is his own fault but not all.

However, he is trying exceptionally hard to sort himself out, he was delighted when he paid off a couple of debts this week, and got a real buzz out of it.He's been working hard, getting out of bed on time and working weekends - yes I know this is quite normal for many of us but for him it's turning over a new leaf. I have to give him the chance to turn his life around, I've said if he doesn't i wont be hanging around indefinitely!

Luckily he has some work next week and is intending to put a decent amount towards the rent.

I'd like to do a DMP but when there's no income at all which happens some weeks it's not going to work.

If he can keep getting the work I Think he has a good chance of sorting himself out, but it's a real struggle when there isn't any work available.