Things keep coming up:

Seanymph

I was tootling about these boards about four months or so ago. Because I'd like to get out of debt.

Yet I get focused, start saving to pay off a chunk - and then it goes elsewhere. It's driving me potty.

Both daughters are at Uni, so I have two lots of rent to 'help' this year, but once I started it seemed I had to pay it all, so I'm still about £3,500 short on that - and I feel I have to pay that 'off' first.

The car needs taxing this month and i didn't know.

My step son moved out last month so we gave him £500 for a deposit.

It seems like I never get to apply my spare money to what I want to.

Is it just me? I really am going month to month at the moment, but nothing I actually owe is going down.

toastking

Hey there if you have your own debts you shouldn't be helping the kids out with uni fees. There is no reason they cannot get a job and with a job and even the minimum allowances you can cover your own rent.

My mum couldn't afford to give me money for uni due to a mega mortgage after a divorce, so I got jobs here and there, did mentoring, started a business, all sorts and still had plenty of time to party.

It might just be a case of giving in too easily, its easier for me to say as its not my kids, but sometime they've gotta learn that you're not the bank of mum and dad and have your own lives to pay for.

The one off type payment like the £500 for deposit is an annoyance when trying to save money but seems like helping out when in need, rather than becoming a regular payout. With the uni pair is it because they are spending too much partying? I know that contributed to me needing money at uni.

atolaas

I'm presuming your daughters have student loans? You need to sit down and explain to them that as much as you'd like to you can't afford to pay both of their rents every month. Arrange with them an amount you are willing to pay each month and stick to it. It will help all of you to manage your money better. I appreciate that as their father you want to help them out as much as possible...but not so such an extent that you're struggling for money yourself.
If your daughters are struggling for money they could always get a part time job whilst they're at Uni. I was a notetaker when I at Uni, I went into 2 additional lectures a week and took notes that I typed up then handed in...10 years ago the pay was £8 p/h which netted me an extra £100 a month..it all helps...Good luck xx

Seanymph

I think you are right - but I've painted myself into a corner with it a bit.

I should point out the 'debts' are a mortgage, and a car finance. Not too terrible in either case, but I'd like to clear both.

I'm their mum

Last year my youngest went away, and I paid her first year to 'get her on her feet'.

Eldest stayed at home.

This year eldest has gone too - so 'fair' is that I pay hers, because I paid her sisters last year - bit different though because she is only moving about 15 miles from home, so already has a job etc in the city.

Having paid eldests this year youngest is missing out...

and youngest has a lot of additional expense, she has swapped courses to Equine, so i ended up buying £110 boots and £50 on a showing jacket last time we went to the saddlery! She needs all sorts of gear, most of which she is funding herself.

They do work, they both work really diligently, or I wouldn't want to help them, but youngest pays for additional riding lessons, BHS exams etc... eldest wants to travel next year after uni and is saving up.

And we subsidise our eldest son too - he lives in a house we own - and pays something towards it, but nowhere near 'rent' - so I feel we have to help my daughters too....

I can't seem to find a way out where my money becomes my money to put where I want it.

Oh I sound such a soft touch!

Kate_fixing_it

You don't sound like a soft touch! You sound like a good parent who wants to support her children. You're stuck in a hard place. I don't think anyone is saying they're adults now and they should no longer be your financial "burden" but I do think you need to reduce what you give them.

Is it possible to sit them all down together and lay the cards on the table? My older two are 15 and 16. I've been honest about my situation. They know I have debt and they know I'm doing something about it. They're surprisingly mature and understand how it's happened. I've explained that by the time they're 17 I expect them to have a part time job (I have set a limit to what they are "allowed" to work in term time) and that I expect a minimum of 10% saved from each paycheck/old item sold/pocket money etc. How this will continue in practice we'll see.

I think the hardest part is saying no to them. In your post you come across as intelligent, considerate and fair. I can't imagine you have raised children to be different. Talk to them. They may have options open to them that you don't know about for earning.

No matter how big they get they'll always be your "babies" and you'll always want to help them but teaching them to stand on their own two feet financially is the best gift you can give them. I didn't have that and look at me now! I refuse to make the same mistakes as far as teaching my children about finances.

Kate x

macman

If you can't afford to tax your car and other such basics, then you really need to stop subsidising your (adult) children's lifetstyles.
If that causes them resentment, then you need to explain to them why-do they have any idea what your debts are?

Seanymph

I can afford it. If I couldn't it would be a very different post.

It isn't a 'can't afford debt' problem - it's a priorities problem I think.

It's that every month I think I'll be able to bang a heap off, say the car payment, and every month something else comes up and it goes!

For the last three months with the dog he cost about £800 a month. Really. Then we lost him anyway. Now it wasnt' that we don't have that to pay out of our income - it's just that it leaves nothing for anything else.

it feels like I get on course, can see my way to paying off a chunk and then something else happens.