Can't cope doing this on my own anymore

wannabehermit

Not only am I on my own but I'm dragging DH along with me, he's like a lead weight with regards to money. I don't understand how someone can be so clueless when it comes to finances. I constantly have to say No we can't have this, no we can't go there, no we can't get that. Then suddenly out of the blue he'll have a stress about money and say we need to stop spending etc.

I have spreadsheets galore (I like a good spreadsheet ) and I offer to show him those and explain to him where the money comes and goes but he avoids it as much as he possibly can and when I finally do get round to showing him he gets stroppy about it and stresses because he doesn't understand any of it.

Even something as simple as what bank account to use confuses him. We have a current account each (due to my DRO still being on my credit file) plus I have an old account, lets call them A, B and C respectively. To try and help him understand when we do or do not have money I've started doing things differently. So I worked out how much the bills are each month, a shopping & diesel budget and what was left over was transferred into the spare account. I explained that bills, shopping, petrol & diesel comes out of accounts A & B, I would transfer £25 each week into account C which would then pay for anything else that wasn't a bill etc. So for the last month every time he's bought something he's asked me what card to use, so I've told him just A, B or C, whichever it needs to be, but every now and then reminding him that if it's not shopping or diesel then it goes on card C. Last night he had to run out to get some trainers for DS2, so of course he asked what card, I said C (as it's not food etc), he asked for my phone, I knew his was dead so didn't think anything of him taking mine. So this morning he's checked the account (I'd put the app on his phone for him so he didn't have to ask me how much money was available). He was saying that there was £26 in the account and I knew there should be less than that as he'd bought the trainers last night. So asked what card he'd used, he insisted that he'd used card C. When I showed him card C, which he keeps he said no not that one, your other one. It turns out he'd used my main card and just couldn't get why or how he'd used the wrong one. Is it so difficult to understand what comes out of what account?

I can't carry him any longer, I'm fighting to get out of debt, he wants to too, but doesn't understand how to get out or how money works it seems. I can't explain anything to him because he gets really stressed but I can't keep doing this on my own.

milliemonster

To be perfectly honest, for someone who isn't financially savvy, having 3 accounts to work with and spreadsheets galore on top I'm not surprised he is totally bamboozled!

It doesn't sound to me from what you've said that he isn't on board with you, as you haven't mentioned any spending he is doing unnecessarily or behind your back and is indeed clearing it with you which account to use before he spends anything (even if he is getting it wrong!)

Perhaps you just need to simplify things for him? I understand you needing a separate account because of your DRO history, but why not just keep one account for all your joint essentials and another account for everything else that unexpectedly crops up?

Tixy

It sounds like he is getting confused, and then stressed because he is confused.
I guess you need to keep trying something different until you get something that clicks with him. Perhaps try to simplfy things.

Might he find it easier if he used cash for example?

Does he needs to have more than 1 account that he uses? If all the funds are left in 1 account will he overspend?

Perhaps you could have a seperate account for bills that are paid by DD, but the leave the rest of the money in his main account to be used for anything he pays by card (whether that is groceries/fuel or other items).

dreamdreamer

That would bamboozle my OH too. He has his one bank account and he works everything from it, always has. I have 3 current accounts and 4 savings accounts and when I try to explain my financial organisation to him he looks like his brain is going to start dribbling out of his ears!

Some people are just better with this sort of thing than others. He sounds like he's trying but gets frustrated because he doesn't get it.

I get what you're saying about not wanting to do it by yourself but it sounds like trying to get him to understand is more stressful than just doing it, to be honest.

We have a main bills account that he pays half all the bills and food and his savings into for the month and whatever is left in his current account is his spending money for the month. Then I work my magic splitting the money he's put in up into the various 'pots', household bills, food account, savings pots etc.

If one of us spends more during the month and is looking low, the other one transfers a bit, so our money is still considered joint but we just run it from separate accounts.

It does mean more work for me but I'm so used to doing it that it takes no time at all.

-taff

You're making it too complicated for him.
Get some post it notes or something you can write on, or some clear small folders.
Put the three cards in these folders or by these post if notes, preferably on some kind of visible board.
Write down what each account is for.

He should be able to grasp that. It's visual, and a lot easier than tryng to remember which card is which by itself.

dancingfairy

It sounds super complicated to me as well I think a wallet sized note would be handy and also a sticky on each card.
Do you need 3 accounts? would 2 do ie just a bills account and then one for extras?
df

Onetoomany

I could never manage that. It is too complicated. If that's how you understand it, fair enough. If your in charge of the finances, why not put all household direct debits into A, give him B and keep C for yourself. All income goes into C and you can divide it up as you see fit, in essence you would be paying yourselves a wage. Any large spending can be dealt with as need be.

System

I don't think it's over complicated at all - he's not a toddler! One account for petrol or food purchases, another for anything else.

If he's genuinely this helpless maybe give him the spending money in cash? But otherwise persevere, he'll get it in the end, surely.

chesky

O.p. Cut your partner some slack. Remember, in march even you admitted you were struggling with juggling your various accounts and had miscalculated.

Sazzie23

Understand where you are coming from, and it's frustrating, I guess he's pretty clued up in other ways, but some people are just wired up differently.

Go for simple, give him an allowance maybe or one card which he can spend what he likes on, if it's diesel or shopping you can transfer a refund onto it, and if it's not then that's his allowance gone, eventually he'll get it.

My OH has lots of blind spots like this, including recycling which he seems to refuse to get, but then he'll say something like, well that's not very fair if they are sorting it by hand....so he does get it, he's just not conforming, and that's why he's now my ex OH, although I look after him as he's pretty ill.

Find something that works for you both, if you want to stay together or the resentment will eat you.

7roland8

Why not write the use on each card with indelible marker?