worried - long one!

kat79

In spite of all my positive thinking, i can't seem to shake off a worry about my oh. He ignores his debts. I realise I can't force him to do anything about it but it worries me a lot. I feel guilty for posting about it but I have to get it off my chest somehow! As if I try and talk to him about it I'm nagging or stropping!!

I'm trying really hard to face up to what I owe and I'm starting to make small repayments but I'm not telling him about it cos he thinks I shouldn't be paying them back?!?!?! Or at least to just make the minimum repayments as you get no benefit from repaying them early. I said well what about my sanity? Is that not a benefit to me? These debts have been hanging round my neck like the proverbial albatross and I'm sick of it. Just want them gone. I'd rather be A bit skint than have them for much longer. He just shakes his head.

He doesn't open his bank statements, or if he does, he leaves them lying around and loses them, then when he needs one he pays £5 for a replacement. Or just keeps asking me where they are. He bought a file case about a month ago but i think its still empty.

Don't get me wrong I love him dearly but I'm worried about him. We are supposed to be getting married in the next couple of years but I don't know if that will ever happen. I want to marry him but don't know how we're going to pay for it.

I feel so bad because he pays for pretty much everything in our day to day lives, but when I borrowed extra money to pay for the council tax arrears from my mum, he wouln't let me pay it off, saying we should just pay it i instalments. Cos we needed the money for something else. I have no idea now what it went on! And the council tax bill still goes unpaid. Thats why I've stopped telling him when I'm making repayments to my debts. And I'm going to deal with the council tax myself.

I feel so guilty because I've made him out to be some kind of ogre and he's not. He's the sweetest, most lovely guy you could meet - which is why I want to marry him! But he's bad with debts. For a guy whos so good at money management I was shocked to find this out. He used to help me with negotiating my debts before we moved in together. I just don't know what to do!

I've kind of decided to just worry about my own debts and high priority ones like utilities and council tax etc. And to let him get on with his - however he wants to do it.

Thanks for reading if you got this far!!!:o

Yours guiltily............

Snaggles

If he's a really lovely guy then it's worth persevering with. Just to give you a bit of hope, when I met by hubby, he was terrible with money, debts up to his eyeballs (we started our married life with £17k worth of debt).

It's taken a long time, but gradually he's realised that life's a lot better without the debts hanging round your neck like a millstone. It took us 5 years to get some sort of financial stability, but we've both learned some important lessons along the way.

The fact that he says you're nagging or stropping COULD mean he has niggling worries about the debts too, but just can't face them yet. Try a very softly softly approach with him and hopefully he'll gradually come round.

I wish you all the best xx

gollygosh

you can't have his LBM for him, just keep your finances separate and keep paying off your own debts. your doing well.

chevalier

Maybe the only way to get through to him is to pay off your debts, and then start doing things he can't. ie come home with a new dress and say well I can afford this now I don't have debt, or buy a gadget he really craves and say well I can afford to pay cash and get a cash discount now I don't have debt? I know this could take a while but maybe that will cause his LBM in the end
good luck
chev

Seaxwyn

HI kat79

I really sympathise as my OH is just like yours.

I am dealing with it by trying to pay off the debts in my name as fast as I can, and ignoring the fact that he has other debts too.

Sometimes it's hard as it would obviously be better if we were both focussing on paying the highest interest debts. But I'm doing the best I can and hope that I will be a good influence and at some point he will see sense and join me.

Sending you best wishes as this is a hard situation to be in - good luck with paying your own debts.

GettingThingsDone

Hi Kat79,

I used to be a bit like your OH. I found the way to my LBM was to seriously think about what I/we wanted in the future i.e. unless I change and get my finances sorted I won't be able to do x, y or z.

I think he has to feel that he is in control of his finances, otherwise it could feel like nagging.

Actually, thinking about it, the thing that really 'turned me on' was the snowball calcualtor. Once I'd played with that I was straight onto reclaiming my bank charges, paying off overdrafts etc etc.

Good luck with it -

My £9000 in 2 years challenge (deadline 12/07/09)!

I see we have roughly the same amount of debt target over the next couple of years, so hopefully see you round for a bit (if you see what I mean )

gtd

kazmeister

chevalier wrote: »

Maybe the only way to get through to him is to pay off your debts, and then start doing things he can't. ie come home with a new dress and say well I can afford this now I don't have debt, or buy a gadget he really craves and say well I can afford to pay cash and get a cash discount now I don't have debt? I know this could take a while but maybe that will cause his LBM in the end
good luck
chev

Unfortunately he will just buy them anyway with any form of credit he can get - he probably wont have his LBM until the minute the credit runs dry.