Please... Help me Help my parents get out of Debt

xxisabellexx

Hi, I have hardly posted on this board at all, but I do enjoy reading all the inspirational stories of the people on here and I love how kind and helpful the other DFWs are to others.
I have been umming and aahing over whether to post my situation for a while now and have decided to go for it.
I dont think this is going to be a short story, sorry in advance.

Basically, I am living with my Mum (38) and my step dad (42), they have me (19) my brother (18) and my lil sis (9).
My mum has been in debt as long as I can remember. She doesnt tell me everything (which is where we may have probs) but I know she had a CCJ before she met my SD which was about 12 years ago, so I know she has always had problems with money, she was a single mum for about 4/5 years though.
After she got with my SD though, its all been downhill money wise.

I have a list which my mum has written of the money they owe as of the 1st april 07. I hope this will help you advise me. (she doesnt know I have this btw eek.)
CDEA (sorry I dont know what this is) ....................£933.46 paying £10pm
Eversheds (This is the outstanding mortgage)..........£4729.87 paying £20pm
Mum (My nan, a loan from aaaages ago when my mum and dad bought a house, he has sold it and we havnt seen a penny. she doesnt expect it back but its principle on my mums part)......................£1200
Friend (recent loan from SDs friend)........................£500
Bank loan...........................................................£6875 paying £225.63pm
Nat Ins..............................................................£54.60 x2
(Im presuming this is National Insurance outstanding contributions)
Tax..................................................................498.24
Tax..................................................................498.52

The last 3 are because my parents are Self employed. This is also where an SAO will get very difficult as I do not have a clue what they earn in an average month. Obviously not enough but anyway...
the only thing I know is that their self assesment says they earnt 8k each last year if that helps.

Not included in this (the other things I actually know about) are an outstanding scottish power bill of about £500 and a capital one credit card which they are only making a bit more than minumum payments on.

My mum likes to stay motivated, always looking for ways to make extra money in the business etc but my SD just mooches around the house all day looking at stuff we cant afford on Ebay. Hes always moaning we have no money but doesnt want to make the necessary lifestyle adjustments.
Im the only one in my house with a 'proper' job and I feel guilty spending my own money because they have none. I was paying £150 pm rent but I didnt have a job for the first 4 months of the academic year so am currently giving her about £300pm. I have no idea where it goes.
I usually go shopping with my mum and she does try to cut back on food bill but SD is a brand snob. she spends about £80-£100 a week for 5 of us and then they are always nipping to the corner shop throughout the week for milk etc.
Basically they are only just scraping by as it is let alone paying off any debts.
My mum is always being burdened with the 'problems' of her family (like they have a clue) and feels like she has no one to talk to but me. SD falls into a depressed slump (more than usual) if she gives him the reality of the money problems, so a lot of the time she just doesnt bother.
She often comes to me and cries about how she can never buy anything nice for us kids or that we've never been on a family holiday for just us. She lives in hope that we'll win the lottery and everything will be ok, and it just seems like she doesnt want to face up the harsh reality.

I really really want to help her as both me and my bro are off to uni in september and thats made her even more distraught that she cant afford to help us with living costs.
I have given her the money diet to read (borrowed from the library of course ) offered to balance transfer her capital one onto my 0% halifax credit card and calculated how much she could get from reclaiming her bank charges (problem there is she has the loan with the same bank and is worried esp after the 2 fails with said bank.) but she never seems to want to actually do anything.

I just dont know what else I can do. I feel like crying just from the sheer stress of dealing with these problems that I seem to have no control over.
Please help me

*zippy*

Hi isabelle

This is going to be a difficult one hun, do your parents want to sort this out? Could they come and post themselves? It sounds like you are a huge support to your mum and its natural you are worried, but please don't put their debt onto your CC. You could end up with problems and its not helping them.

Have you thought of directing them to get in touch with one of the debt charities CCCS or Payplan or going to their cab office. These will give your parents free help, please don't go with one of the companies advertised on TV as they charge.

Would they consider getting jobs as it doesn't look like they are earning much?

I found out my parents had debt last year so I completely understand how you feel, but it is down to them and there is only so much you can do.

zippy x

*zippy*

Isabelle just to add if you suspect your mum or SD is depressed, do what you can to encourage them to vist their doctors.

firesidemaid

my parents don't have debts as such, but they are semi-retired and living off their savings partly. i worked out an soa for them but they don't stick to it. they are not bothered about making savings on utilities or on food shopping and it drives me mad! their savings would last so much longer if they did.

so, i can imagine that it must be awful to see your parents in this situation and you obviously want to do as much as you can - but at the end of the day you can't make them and they are responsible for themselves.

good on you for trying to help them - i wouldn't put stuff on your card unless you are prepared to pay it off worst case scenario.

i would rather get them to let you know their income and outgoings. draw up a budget and see where they can make savings. i am not sure, but are probably also entitled to some benefits such as tax credits and child benefit for your sister.

you need to help them do it for themselves. let them realise that if they take control of their lives and their finances that it will be ok.

i know my mum and dad blame each other for the overspends, with neither prepared to take responsibility for any of it.

good luck x

p.s. you could visit www.entitledto.co.uk to check out what benefits they might get. have just had a quick visit, obviously don't know all your circumstances, but with 2 X£8000 income plus child benefit they could get £6000 plus in tax credits.

xxisabellexx

I know they do want to sort it out, but I just dont think they want to sort it out enough.

My mum has considered many times getting another job. Up until a couple of months ago, she had been doing admin work for a friend at £7 an hour school hours so as not to disturb my sisters routine too much. That fell through though as he moved offices and no longer required her. However through this she did manage to obtain an adult teaching qualification which she is using to expand the business.
The problem is while she was doing this work for a couple of months, the business nearly went under as (we discovered) she does all the hard graft(database, picking up the phone, publicity etc) while he goes out and does the actual jobs.
He was ill for a year 2000/2001 time and couldnt work which is why they started the business (one of the reasons anyway). He still suffers from a variety of ailments including ME. I know it sounds harsh but I think the only thing hes got is a bad case of laziness and hypochodria. I just dont think he would get another job, but his male pride doesnt really want my mum to get a job either.

Thanks for your help so far zippy. Just off loading has made me feel a bit better.

My situation just seems too complicated for help atm.

xxisabellexx

I did think my mum was almost definately depressed a few weeks ago, but sometimes she seems fine, I dont know. I may suggest the doctors though thanks.

sazza cat - Im pretty sure they are getting all the money they are entitled to, sorry I should have included that in my first post. I know they get tax credits and child benefit, and the CSA is still chasing my dad for outstanding money for me and my brother.

Thats half my problem, I can see that they do have money but it just seems to get frittered away on stuff but theres nothing to show for it.

southernscouser

Sorry I just read up to the point you said you were 19 and I was just wondering what you are doing tomorrow night?


But seriously, OK. This is a difficult one. Can I just say though that you should be proud of yourself. Not just for wanting to help but you sound like you've got your head screwed on even without the ideal financial role models.

However, please do not transfer any of her debt on to your cards! I know she is your mum and you want to help but it's a slippery slope to disaster!

All you can do for them is persuade them (especially your SD) that there is light at the end of the tunnel if they are prepared to open their eyes!

Could you show your mum this thread? It might inspire her into signing up and posting.

If not some things you can do is introduce her to Quidco, clickthru's etc, tell her to start a spending diary!

But I think maybe your best bet is showing her this thread. The fact you care enough to have posted might make her sit up and take note.

*zippy*

Everything is sortable isabelle, I think talking to your mum about calling the CCCS or payplan might be best.

Facing it is the hardest part sometimes.

If your SD has medical conditions they could be able to claim some benefits so do look into that.

xxisabellexx

Thanks so much everyone. I'm off to bed now as I've got to get up for work in the morning, but I think I most definately have a few ideas as to the next step.

Probably my best bet is to sit my mum down and, as you have suggested, tell her how worried I am and maybe show her the thread (edited just slightly as I said my SD was lazy lol) and really try and make her see that the situation cant just drag on as it is.

thanks again everyone
xxx

*zippy*

Night x

and good luck

We are all here if she needs a chat or support