First post - how to budget if other half is still spending!?

zipzap

Hi

I am new here so be gentle please!

I have decided that I don't want to have ANY debt hanging over me any more and after a few years of coasting along living beyond our means I want to take back control.

Trouble is, my husband isn't really of the same mind. He wants to be debt free of course, but doesn't want to have to change anything to get there!! Wouldn't that be lovely!?!

I have sorted us a budget and tried to implement some of the changes I have been reading about here but then he runs out of petrol and I have to rob Peter to pay Paul to make sure he can get to work. The money that is in the budget for petrol should be plenty for him for the week (I don't drive so it's all down to him!) but he has a sandwich shop across the road and I suspect a fair proportion of his spends go there! On his way home from work he will pop into Tescos and buy wine/readymeals/treats for me etc (he is very sweet - I don't want this to come across as a rant!)

I don't want to have to give him an 'allowance' but I don't see how else we will ever stay within our means and he insists on having a credit card 'for emergencies'.

How can I make it clear to him that we DON'T HAVE the money that he is spending?

He doesn't do any of the financial stuff in the house and isn't really interested when I try to involve him.

Thanks
ZZ

hypno06

Hi there, and welcome to DFW. And don't worry, we are always gentle

There are lots on here who have OHs who are sabotaging the efforts to get debt free (not intentionally, usually) and lots of them will be here to give you the benefit of their wisdom, I'm sure.

I am lucky I suppose in that my OH has NO idea on financials - I don't keep anything from him but he just doesn't want to know the numbers really and would panic if I gave him the budgets to do!! He prefers to have an allowance which at least means I can do the debt busting efficiently!!

sammy115

wrote a post and lost it but basically as Hypno says. I have a OH who has no idea. He does want to take six holidays a year though!

Seaxwyn

Hi zipzap

Yes this is a very familiar scenario! Many of us here have other halfs who don't quite get the money-saving thing.

I keep trying to explain it to mine in different ways, from the gentle to the nag, but without much success.

I think it's important to recognise that you can't force people to change, so you may just have to get on with it by yourself for now, being a good example, and hope that one day his eyes will open and he will join you on the debt-busting path. My OH doesn't really get it but he's a lot better than he was. Perseverence works.

GeorgeUK

First off, well done for deciding to take control again :T

From what you've said, it appears that he's quite happy for you to take control of the finances and not worry about it. If that is the case, then take control and try talking to him again - tell him you will need to put him on an allowance and tell him this is the only way you can make sure the debts are getting paid. Ask him to help you make a Statement Of Affairs (SOA link: http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=107280) to see how much that allowance will be.

At least this way he might actually see how much you can afford after all the bills are paid. Possibly even trying to save money as this will make you happier than receiving those little gifts if you do this together and get him to come on the forum too.

good luck

colswiz

Hi ZipZap
I am new here also ! But i would just like to say ' i SO know where you are coming from !!!' My OH is exactly the same i have had my LBM but i dont think his will ever come .
Yesterday i spent all day in the loft sorting though masses of stuff to car boot today so we can make a bit of extra money !! I couldn't do the car boot as i am contracted to work on sundays, so it was just him and our son doing it. I think he made the grand sum of £35 quid !! but he then brought food , beer and just generally wasted it, and in the end some how i just ended up with £15 for the 'get out of Debt fund !'.
I feel most of the time i am banging my head against a brick wall !!
He never been any good with money, and all our finances is left to me. If he had anything to do with it i would be in the Bankrupt board now! Heather x

rosiedee

Sounds so familiar!!

Having opened up to OH a couple of months ago he really doesn't get it!! I've never told him the extent of our debt and he's never asked, I'm just trying to get on with it. Basically when he starts to mention things that we 'need' to do I just ignore him!!
Just stick with it and gain knowledge from all the 'savvy' people on this website, although I don't contribute much, I feel they are my lifeline and visit often for inspiration. While we have this website and the 'DFW's' we are never alone!!

zipzap

Thanks folks, I really appreciate your replies - nice to know I am not alone!

I will sit down and do a full SOA tomorrow night and hopefully that will shock him into submission!!

I guess I am going to have to be hard-hearted about it if I am ever going to achieve our goals!

ZZ

blackangeluk

Hi, I completely understand where you are coming from as well.

My difficulty lies in the fact that my DH didn't know the extent of our debt as I kind of "protected" him from it until a month or so ago. Now he does know he seems to be spending more than he ever did I have managed to cut back extensively and at the beginning of the month I showed him what our budget was if we wanted to overpay the debts, but he has spent more than the weekly budget already. I too hate to nag, particularly as I feel responsible for not being honest in the first place, but as I said to him at the beginning of the month, if he didn't agree we could manage on the budget I would draw back from paying so much off the debts - he said he would stick to it and hasn't :mad: Like your DH though, he isn't bad at all, but then he spent £14 in the Co-op on wine and nice foods as I had had a bad day on Friday and wanted to make me a nice meal. His heart was absolutely in the right place and how could I have a go at him for blowing the budget.

It's a tough one......

trulymadlydeeply_indebt!

Thank God - it's not just me then!!!!!!!

I hate having debt, however OH just thinks that if the CC companies are daft enough to increase limits then we should just simply spend it and then go bankrupt!!! Don't know about you guys, but I've often thought about leaving him (seriously) regarding this one as it isn't part of my make up (i.e. elderly parents who never owed anyone in their lives) to go bankrupt.

The majority of our debt hasn't come through a flashy lifestyle - holidays are camping/canoeing ones so we already own the equipment (plus we live in the Lake District so it's on our doorstep). The car is worth about £500 and is knackered. We are on minimum wage and the CC gets used at the end of the month when we've ran out of food, petrol etc., - life's essentials!

I know you were looking for help zipzap however I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. Sometimes you bang your head against the wall constantly and it is helpful to look back at what has been achieved since LBM. For me personally, we have:-

- both quit smoking :j
- stopped the nightly bottle of wine and beer :j
- cut-out takeaways :j
- take HM lunches to work :j
- cycle to work rather than dropping him/me off or catching the bus :j
- make HM bread :j
- all food is HM:j
- got a slow cooker of freecycle :j
- changed every bulb to energy saving lightbulbs:j
- changed dishwasher cycle to a 27 min one rather than the big 60 degree one :j
- "discovered" the quick button on the washing machine after 2 years :doh:

This is what I do each day to get me through - keep going, persevere, tell him nowt (I used to drone on and on incessantly about DFW and the Forum), switch off when he rambles on about wanting the latest thingy, find a job to do in another room so I don't hit him with a frying pan, join mystery shopping and put the money earned towards MY own CC's - the theory being if he won't help me, then I guess it will be my own achievement at the end of the day and Dad would have been proud.

Sorry it's been so long-winded however, I hope it helps

SarahNeedle1872

Hi ZipZap and welcome to DFW.... I can only echo everyone else really, I have an uncooperative OH, who is allergic to budgets, value food and anything that comes out of the freezer! But like Seaxwyn said about her OH, he is getting better, even if it takes alittle while!
I have tried nagging, gentle coaxing and downright deceifulness (sp?) but none of it seems to work, u just have to let them change in their own time.
Definately do an SOA and show it to him, he may well be surprised! Also post it on here, as a fresh set (or 100 sets) of eyes might be able to see where u can cut back...
Most importantly tho, stick around here for support, as there are loads of us in the same situation as u - I don't talk to OH much about money coz all he wants to know is 'how much can I spend this month?' but I do get alot of support from this site just by reading posts and kowing that theer are people out there that know what its like!

Sarah x