The Marriage not The Wedding

tillyenna

Hi All


So - I've been trying really hard to make the 'wedding' preparation be about being excited to be married to The Boss, not excited about wearing a pretty dress and having a big party. And whilst I am excited about married life, I feel that focus is slipping slightly as the wedding date gets closer so, I pose the following question to you.


What things do you do to remind yourself what marriage is all about? What do you use to 'ground yourself' and not get too focused on the day?


Any tips and ideas would be massively appreciated.


(p.s. I realised it looks like I don't want to be married anymore, I completely do, still well up for the marriage thing, it's just the wedding is starting to overshadow that)

DigForVictory

What are you going to have for breakfast one month in? Where? Who cooks, & who washes up?

Are you likely to be responsible for a pet at any time in the first year (even if just dog or cat sitting?) Who feeds, who walks & who gets the litter tray etc? Can you swap if the animal clearly has a preference?

What will your first serious row be about, would you guess? And will someone back down (who?) or will you figure a compromise?

Where are you going to put (and what will you do with) your wedding shoes? And the rest of the wedding-abilia that may not have an obvious life-after-the-party use? (You can only get so much into a box frame - I tried!)

Have a wonderful day & an as good if not better life after!

lazer

A cheesy as it sounds - a pre -marriage course (We were having a Catholic a wedding so it was basically compulsory) but I actually found it was a nice way to spend a few days concentrating on the marriage rather than the wedding.

tillyenna

lazer wrote: »

A cheesy as it sounds - a pre -marriage course (We were having a Catholic a wedding so it was basically compulsory) but I actually found it was a nice way to spend a few days concentrating on the marriage rather than the wedding.

Yeah Lazer - I need to talk to our minister to see if she'll do a marriage course with us (we're Methodists, so it's not compulsory, but sometimes happens) - I'm thinking of going on a religious retreat instead of having a hen-party, might refocus the mind a little bit.

74jax

tillyenna wrote: »

What things do you do to remind yourself what marriage is all about? What do you use to 'ground yourself' and not get too focused on the day?

We didn't plan 'a wedding', we planned for the marriage service and then our 'wedding' part sperately if that makes sence, could you may be look at that?

it was important to us that our day reflected us, I didn't want it to be a wedding that could be anyones so we had some lovely evening sitting down and planning how we could make it unique to us.

We had been together for many years (not living together for all of it) and so the focus was very much on our marriage, not the wedding. We just wanted to be 'married'.

There's nothing wrong in wanting a big party to celebrate, if thats what you want.

it doesn't matter what on earth goes wrong on the day, if the wedding doesn't go how you wanted it to go, if certain things don't match etc. As long as you turn up, he turns up and you get that piece of paper then it's job done.

i didn't want a cake, cars, photos etc and that's not a problem, if you feel that everything is becoming more than you want then stop. Its your day. You can have it how you want.

Tashatutuw

tillyenna wrote: »

Hi All


So - I've been trying really hard to make the 'wedding' preparation be about being excited to be married to The Boss, not excited about wearing a pretty dress and having a big party. And whilst I am excited about married life, I feel that focus is slipping slightly as the wedding date gets closer so, I pose the following question to you.


What things do you do to remind yourself what marriage is all about? What do you use to 'ground yourself' and not get too focused on the day?


Any tips and ideas would be massively appreciated.


(p.s. I realised it looks like I don't want to be married anymore, I completely do, still well up for the marriage thing, it's just the wedding is starting to overshadow that)

I sit on the sofa, staring at him snoring his big fat head off on the other sofa and think 'I get to spend the rest of my life being mad at him for falling asleep in the middle of shows' and that usually kills any fantastical ideas about the magic of a wedding.

The wedding (as stressful and wonderful as it is) is about the one day, and one very unusually special day, the marriage is about the moments he leaves toast crumbs all over the side and you manage not to stab him with the butter knife which has been dumped into the sink next to the empty dishwasher. I smile and consider those 'win' moments. I love H2B very much and can't wait to spend the rest of my life running around looking after him

tillyenna

74jax wrote: »

i didn't want a cake, cars, photos etc and that's not a problem, if you feel that everything is becoming more than you want then stop. Its your day. You can have it how you want.

Ahh... how I wish that was the case.


If we were doing it MY way, there wouldn't even be a special service, just a section in the middle of our regular Sunday service to make some vows (which is what we had for our confirmation)


I'm excited about the marriage ceremony, of course, but I know if we didn't have a party then people wouldn't come - and it's important to me that my friends witness the promises I'm going to make. Also my mum would be mad. She's the one that wants the 'full works' :-(

Trixsie1989

Hi tillyenna,
When we first started planning the wedding we wanted a small service with closest friends and family etc because tbh we just want to be married and have a nice day and then oh's family got involved.dont get me wrong I love how everything is turning out now but in the beginning I was very unhappy that they had basically took him aside when I wasn't there and told him he had to do,this that and the other and invite all these extra people and have all the extra things so it caused a few arguments between me and mil2b.if I had my way we'd have already been to the registry office to do the legal part by now. I'm so excited to be marrying my oh it's unreal but don't do well with large groups of people so am attending classes for my anxiety after speaking to my doctor about it. Xxx

swampduck

tillyenna wrote: »

Hi All


So - I've been trying really hard to make the 'wedding' preparation be about being excited to be married to The Boss, not excited about wearing a pretty dress and having a big party. And whilst I am excited about married life, I feel that focus is slipping slightly as the wedding date gets closer so, I pose the following question to you.


What things do you do to remind yourself what marriage is all about? What do you use to 'ground yourself' and not get too focused on the day?


Any tips and ideas would be massively appreciated.


(p.s. I realised it looks like I don't want to be married anymore, I completely do, still well up for the marriage thing, it's just the wedding is starting to overshadow that)

How would you feel on your wedding day if no one but your soon to be husband turned up?
I couldnt have cared less if there were hundreds of people there on the day or just us two. I refused to get stressed out by non replies/refusals, whether things matched to the nth degree and a host of other things as long as both he and I were in the right place together at the right time!!
The wedding is a celebration of your marriage and just won't happen if the two crucial people are not there in heart, mind and body!!

Swampy

runawaybride

[QUOTE=
The wedding (as stressful and wonderful as it is) is about the one day, and one very unusually special day, the marriage is about the moments he leaves toast crumbs all over the side and you manage not to stab him with the butter knife which has been dumped into the sink next to the empty dishwasher. I smile and consider those 'win' moments. I love H2B very much and can't wait to spend the rest of my life running around looking after him [/QUOTE]

i love this it just about sums it up lol. marriage for us is about being unified as a family. us against the world etc. which is why we are getting married in secret it feels so much more personal that way we will be focused on our vows and us, not wondering what everyone else is thinking. dont get me wrong im looking forward to the big party to celebrate later with all the family and friends but thats all it will be a celebration of our marriage as we will of been married for 8 weeks by then.