Live positive

Polk

I wrote up an awesome, amazing introduction to my diary - it was funny, witty and chock full of amazing stuff.

and then my fat fingers managed to delete it instead of copying it.

CURSE YOU FAT FINGERS

:mad:

right. I am going away to try and remember what I typed. It won't be anywhere near as good.

You. stay still. do not move.

Polk

Right then.

Second attempt. The first time I typed this all out and managed to delete it. So I’m typing in word and pasting this.

I’m here because this is the second time I have landed myself in financial difficulty through being an idiot with credit cards. I am very, very frustrated with myself.
So then.
About me:
I’m 40 this year. I have nothing of consequence in my life other than my son and a new partner.
I struggle with depression on and off, currently deep in the grip of some so I’m back to the Doctor to see if they can actually help instead of offer me placebo’s.

My job:
Is one of extremes. It is the most awesome, frustrating, exciting, high pressured thing I have ever done. I hate it. I love it.

My debt:
Three credit cards. Two on 0% deals, one on 7.5%. plus a growing overdraft. At the time of writing, the total is approx £15K.

What happened:
The seeds, I suppose, are with losing my mum to cancer in 2008. She was the main emotional prop of my life and the loss is something I am still trying to cope with. I have many issues surrounding the loss of Mum, not least of which is that I didn’t really deal with the fact that she had cancer, instead I chose to run away. I’ve never been very forgiving of myself, this makes my reaction to what happened very very hard to deal with.
So, I got some bereavement counselling after Mum went and it threw up a lot of things that I thought were dead and buried. My counsellor told me that I would probably need more sessions than the ones his charity could give me. I struggled on for a bit after that and then finally stuck my hand up and asked for more help. The first Doctor I saw simply offered me pills and was just not interested, the second doctor was amazing – she had a real gung ho ‘you need help and I am going to heal you’ attitude. I cannot remember her name but I am forever grateful that she chose to listen rather than try to fob me off.
So I got more counselling, and it turns out that I have probably had depression to varying degrees throughout my life. Great. But the counsellor I saw was amazing, she very quickly realised that CBT is a waste of time for me. Often all I need is that safe place to get rid of the emotion.
We were really getting in to the root causes when the money ran out. I could no longer afford to see her.
My partner at the time convinced me that I didn’t need to get counselling. It turns out that she does not think that depression is a real condition or that it can have such an effect on peoples lives.

That relationship ended. I’ll spare you the details. But did my depression have something to do with it? Probably. But there are two sides to every story and I daresay that her version of events would differ from mine. We have a son together and the one thing that we both agree on was that our son comes first.
So, I ended up living in a trailer for a couple of months at work thanks to a very understanding boss. I found myself a small flat in Slough and, for a while everything seemed ok. But I realise now that things were very wrong from the very beginning.
When I moved into that flat, I took out a credit card with a £5k limit. The intention was always to use the card to set myself up and then move the debt to a 0% deal and pay it off. The plan, it seemed, appeared to be quite reasonable and an intelligent way to get my life back on track.
So I set myself up, but I didn’t go silly. I got a TV but it was a cheap one (under £200), the equipment for the kitchen was reasonable. But suddenly, the card was maxed out.
I didn’t really understand how that had happened, the flat was not stuffed with brand new electrical items or new clothes, I still had the same car.
I believed I could deal with it. It was frustrating that I had maxed the card out, but the original plan still applied – move the debt to a 0% deal and pay it off. I was earning enough money to do this.
And then I maxed the original card again. And I have no idea how. I have nothing to show for this. Truly nothing. I cannot even remember what decisions I made on spending for this to happen.
So I moved that debt on to a 0% deal as well. It meant tightening the belt, but I could do it.

And then the *rsehole moved into the flat above me. You might feel that I shouldn’t describe him as that, however from the night he moved in to the day he was finally evicted I did not get a full nights sleep. As far as I’m concerned he is definitely in the group of people I never, ever want to meet ever again. The only emotion I waste on him is contempt. Contempt for the manner in which he chooses to live his life, contempt for the drugs he chose to spend his benefits (yours and my taxes don’t forget) on and contempt for the scumbags he invited to his flat.
It began the first night with the music he played until 3am. On a Sunday night. I thought that perhaps it was a house warming. Until it happened again every night that week, and for pretty much every night until he was evicted. The music was so loud that sometimes it felt as if I was in the same room instead of lying in bed, trying to sleep with the pillows over my head. On top of this were the arguments – pretty much nightly with the *rseholes so called ‘friends’. One night I actually called the police since I could hear someone up there threatening to kill someone else.
I try to live and let live – after all, everyone has their own stuff to deal with in life. However I will never, ever agree that people should be allowed to live their lives to the detriment of others. I was not alone in feeling that this person was disruptive. Two weeks after he moved in, a lovely young family who lived opposite me moved out. They told me that all sorts of nefarious types had begun hanging around outside the flats since he moved in. They spotted another opportunity to move and got the hell out. I cannot blame them. I began to document everything and forwarded it all to the Landlords agent since they were managing his property as well.
Finally, I came home on a Saturday morning to discover him moving out. It only took 4 months from the day he moved in. I’d like to say I slept that night. It’s not true, I lay there expecting him to come back and put the music on again. It took about two weeks before I could finally relax enough to get a whole nights sleep. I got into such a state that I honestly found myself lying awake at night planning how I could dispose of the body. I just simply wanted him to turn the music down. I didn’t care what concoction he was shoving up his nose or in his veins, I didn’t care that he wanted friends to be around until 3am most nights – I could handle that if it wasn’t for the noise, the screams, the shouts, the thumps and bangs and the damned music (his taste in music was awful too which didn’t help)

As you can imagine, this had a major effect on my mental state. I was trying to get my life back on track. I had convinced myself that I was utterly wrong to leave the ex and that I had walked out on my son. Work was insanely busy – I was out at 630 every morning and not getting home until 10pm. To cope I just disappeared into a hole inside my head. To cap it all, I was also trying to get out and date again. Far, far too many women ended up telling me that I needed to get myself sorted out.
In the end, I decided that I had to move. The *rsehole was gone, but it had changed my perception of where I lived. Now, every single noise generated outside my flat had me on edge. I viewed everyone else with deep suspicion – especially new neighbours. I had to get out and I didn’t care how I did it. Eventually, I found the place I currently rent in Bracknell. Compared to the flat in Slough, it could not be more different. It’s actually a maisonette and I live on the top floor, it is not connected to any other properties. The area is quiet – only road noise from the by-pass and wildlife with the occasional sound of children playing. When I moved in last August, I spent an afternoon sitting out in the garden that comes with the property, just literally soaking up the atmosphere. I love it.
But to do it I had to use the credit card again. I kept the cost down as much as possible, but in the end the card got maxxed out again.
So I got that one onto a 7.5% deal because I couldn’t get a 0% deal. I felt that I could cope with this. I was wrong.

I do not regret the move for one minute. I had to do it to get out of Slough. I know that there are people who like the place, for me it is soulless. Please – this is my opinion based on my experience of the place. I know that my experience was not the best, it will forever colour my perception of the place.

So here I am, writing this. I have achieved a measure of catharsis by sharing this with you. But I know that later on today I will be sitting here, the world crashing in on me wondering how the hell I am going to get through it all. I have contacted CAP, but they cannot see me until June! I also contacted Step Change and they will do a phone thing next Friday – I can hold on until then.
I need to learn how to budget, I am simply terrible at it.
I know where I am currently with my finances, I find the idea of developing a proper budget to start moving forward impossible. How do I do it? What am I allowed to plan for? Can I put aside money for fun?
My biggest dilemma right now is that the naughty voice in my head is telling me to go out and get a decent TV before the credit gets frozen.



In the words of the immortal Red Leader: 'Stay on target!'

Chrisblue1962

Hi Polk

I have just read your post and you deserve immense credit for coming out the other side of what has been a difficult period of your life.

A budget is a bit like a set of scales with outgoings on one side versus income on the other - you need your income to be greater than expenditure.

Step One - list all your typical outgoings and then list your total income, essentially what is called a Statement of Affairs. Other forum members will then offer suggestions on how you can balance your budget.

Polk

Hi Chris

thanks for you comments, I'm not out of the woods yet but the simple act of talking about it helps. even with strangers.

I've put an SOA in the DFW forum already, but I am struggling with getting it right. I'll get there, but its going to be a long, rocky road I feel.

Chrisblue1962

Hi Polk

I think I came across your SOA on another thread. Well Done and keep thinking of the following:

• Each day is another day in the right direction
• Every pound paid is another pound less debt
• You will have setbacks but you WILL succeed!

Good Luck :T

Polk

quick post - I have had to force myself to make this post.
Depression has me fully in its grip. I'm sitting here waiting for the phone to ring so I can talk to a counsellor. Just got a voicemail - she tried to ring. my handset, sitting in front of me made not one sound. not even a missed call.
she said she would ring again in a few minutes thank god. praying the phone rings this time.

I'm stuck in this limbo state until I get to talk to a Counsellor and to Step Change tomorrow.
the solution seems far off right now.

Polk

right then.

so, just got off the phone from Step Change and they are saying that a DRO is the best option based on what we've been through.
I feel 100% better having spoken to them about it. so now I need to get myself into reading about a DRO so that I know what I'm getting into.

Polk

1) go through money and pack from Step Change, get everything in order and send off - done
2) send letters to creditors - done except for Lloyds who I bank with. See below as to why
3) Breath deep and relax.

I decided to go with Co-Op for the basic bank account, only it'll take up to 7 days for them to send the form and another 2 weeks to set up the account. There isn't a branch near me. No matter I'll hold on to the Lloyds letter and send it once the new account is set up. In my crzed mind this means that I should be better off because I am making token payments to the other creditors. So that means by the end of next month I should have the new account set up, a better balance in the lloyds account because the money hasn't stampeded out and so a better buffer against that £15k barrier on the DRO.

I hope.

Just need to ensure no silly expenditures.
A nice lady mentioned me moving closer to work in my thread on the DFW board. I think my response may have come across as a bit testy. I didn't mean it. However moving closer to work means moving to Slough. or inside the M25.
either of these things will happen over my dead body.

the reason: Well to start with, I'm a country boy at heart. I grew up in Devon. I was born in the New Forest. Even visiting an urban area gets me down after a while. It's just the way I'm programmed. right now, my mental state is fragile enough that I can't even bear the thought of living in a place where I cannot walk for 5 minutes and lose myself in a wood or some fields. Before you ask - no, Parks do not replace this. (especially ones filled to the brim with dogs doings as I found in Slough)
when I was in Slough, I was paying £650 for a one bed flat with the worlds thinnest walls and doors ( see my earlier post for the fun I had with that) The kitchen and the living room combined were smaller than the living room in my current place.
The place I found in Bracknell is £675. For the £25 increase I have a one bed maisonette with the loveliest neighbours I have ever met, no one above me, a garden, a garage and the forest a 2 minute walk from the front door. Since moving here, I have been able to function. And get more sleep.

I know I have hard choices to make and I know I have to tighten the belt. but where I am currently living is very firmly off that list until I have exhausted every single other possible avenue. Besides I'm looking for work in this area anyway so that could become irrelevant.

So.
I've joined MYSurvey to see if I can make a little money or some vouchers in my spare time. We'll see how that pans out.
Also saw someone link to free postcode lottery which is an interesting concept.
the important thing is that I allow myself time to relax, mustn't take up all my time trying to make money on the side!

in_need_of_direction

It's frame of mind that tackles debt more than anything else. If where you live supports a good outlook, stick with it.

nonnatus

I'll be following you PURELY because I loved the phrase "CURSE YOU FAT FINGERS"!!!!


I wish you loads of luck with your goals and hope you keep your lovely sense of humour.... x

Polk

nonnatus - I shall endeavour to entertain you then. just don't blame me if you develop a slight twitch.

in other news, the landlady has given me written permission to install a water meter. Happy for me to leave it in the property as well.....

about damn time she gave me something frankly.
I've also been emailed about a potential job which 'could' be closer to me. interessant <--- ooh get me a french word

So, work is frustrating at the moment. very very busy, not helped by the boss changing his mind every five minutes on what trailers need to be prepped. Not very helpful, a lot of unhappy faces in the yard. It's a very exciting job, incredibly rewarding when it goes right. but when it goes wrong...........

this does not help my mental state!

Helping my mind this is not.
Ho hum... the world rotates. I must live positive.