desperately need help! Gambler with £50 debts

plzhelpmesave!

Hi, please please guys can you help me help my friend? She's just given me the full lowdown of her finances and is at breaking point - and I honestly don't know what to advise her for the best and need your expertise please.

Her husband has been gambling for the last couple of years and they are up to their eyeballs in debt, in arrears, nearly been evicted and she's left to deal with all the bailiffs, phone calls and everything else....

I know you guys can help her to get something sorted - I don't know anything but it seems a clear bankrupt or iVA case - but not sure what to do next. he won't speak to any debt advisors and is in complete denial - just waiting for his next big win.

£5000 mortgage arrears (paying 840 a month)
£5500 credit card
£12000 lloyd credit card
£3000 british gas utilites arrears
£3000 council tax for old business premises
£1100 council tax home arrears
£5000 barclays overdrawn current account
£4400 asdaa x 2 cards
£2500 - virgin credit card
£2100 - barclays credit card

Most of the cards have been used to pay off other debts and have accrued massive interest on them.

He won't speak to any of the Debt advice agencies - she's called Gamblers Anon - and they will only talk to him. Most of the debt is in his name and people won't talk to her about the accounts - unless she's making payments.

Any suggestions please?

IF

Hi plzhelpmesave!, The first step has to come from your friends husband I’m afraid, he needs to talk to someone soon either Gamblers Anon or GamCare. Only then will he realise he has a problem. Then for him to contact one of the Debt free charities, who can help with his mounting debts.

If you can get him to read this thread by Amiga -- >Diary of a broken gambler

It is so inspirational and has helped so many on here.


Best wishes
IF

lilybankrupt

Yikes this is a really difficult one

I am a (recovering) compulsive gambler, with a lot of debt almost entirely due to gambling. I lost my house last year and whilst I haven't declared BR yet - I've been hoping I could avoid it by earning enough from my business - I think it's now inevitable.

I went to Gamblers Anonymous and haven't gambled for five years now.

What I'm going to say might sound tough, but it is meant with the best of intentions and is based on my experience of being a gambler and also listening to others at GA meetings, most of whom were men whose wives / girlfriends were inevitably affected by their gambling.

Your friend's bloke is not going to stop gambling until he hits 'rock bottom'. It sounds like your friend - totally understandably - is trying to sort out the mess. Unfortunately, as long as she continues to do this, he isn't going to hit 'rock bottom' and face up to his problems.

Bankruptcy or an IVA might be the right solution for the debts, but I honestly think this is a secondary issue - the first one is the gambling.

I would say that as far as possible your friend needs to protect herself financially, by taking over rent payments and so on, and then (and this will be very hard) when it comes to his debts, stop dealing with it on his behalf and let the **** hit the fan. That might just be the wake-up he needs. That's not to say that she can't be emotionally supportive and encourage him to seek help.

I've met so many people whose lives have been ruined through gambling - divorce, estranged from family, homeless etc. But I've also seen people rebuild their lives and relationships once they've faced up to things. Sadly, I've yet to see anything change for anyone until the person themselves accepts there is a problem, and protecting the gambler from themselves is, unfortunately, only delaying things. On the plus side, the quicker it all goes belly-up, the quicker he / they can begin the rebuilding.

woodformoretrees

Never a truer word spoken x

Louk

I am the estranged wife of a gambler and I'm just starting to get on my feet... Unfortunately the marriage has not survived and we are in the process of divorce and I have just declared bankruptcy. Your friend needs to try and sort herself financially as much as she can, if there are any joint accounts that be closed do so, make sure she has her own account. She needs to see which of the debts are hers, which are his and which they jointly belong too. That way Stepchange et al will be able to offer her advice on her situation.
At first I tried to cover one debt with another....debts I had no idea existed (secret loans and bank accounts) but then I took charge. I marched him to the bank, I actually put myself further into debt by paying off the joint account with an overdraft from my own account. I found a flat I could rent and when he stopped paying the mortgage I voluntarily reposessed our house and then when it sold and left a big shortfall I went bankrupt. It's a horrid situation for your friend to be in. I thought that maybe the end of the marriage would be my ex's rock bottom and he would finally admit his problems, but it wasn't. Since the split he has stolen to fund his habit, lost his job, been reported missing twice and ended up in a mental health triage ward for a week. Still he gambles.
The only way out of this that I can see, for your friend, if he still refuses to accept and deal with his habit is to wait until he is made bankrupt by one of his creditors and then if it's the right thing to do to go bankrupt herself. But as someone previously said there is the danger that the gambling will still continue and the cycle begins again.
Sorry my response is a little all over the place x

plzhelpmesave!

Thank you so much for the replies - appreciate it. We've had a honest dicussion about the gambling side of it and she knows she will have to deal with the relationship side of it. She has already been paying off his debts - that's where most of her credits cards have come from.

Will get her to read this and try stechange - everyone keeps saying he needs to face things, but she is the one dealing with bailiffs, phone calls to the house, trying to rob peter to pay paul. He is out of the house for most of the day and sometimes not home for 2-3 days - and WON'T deal with it or take any of the responsibility. So she feel she has no choice but to do what she can to save the house for the sake of her kids - very hard one. Really feel for those of you who have gone through this -

woodformoretrees

Are you saying she's severing ties? The original post seemed a little to suggest that she was staying in the relationship and trying to mend the financial mess before he'd finished creating it. That makes a difference as to what she can do.

loveka

Something she can do is to offer token payments to the credit cards and ask them to freeze interest so she can concentrate on the priority debts. That is if any of the cards are in her name.x

longtermplanner

plzhelpmesave! wrote: »

She has already been paying off his debts - that's where most of her credits cards have come from.

that has to stop immediately. Everytime she clears one of his debts it makes it easier for him to run up more debts. the debts remaining have to stay in his name. If he defaults on them, then its his credit record that gets wrecked and that makes it harder for him to borrow any more.

Will get her to read this and try stepchange - everyone keeps saying he needs to face things, but she is the one dealing with bailiffs, phone calls to the house, trying to rob peter to pay paul.

He needs to be happy she is calling Stepchange. If he isn't it's probably because he is still hoping that Lady lucK will shine and everything will turn out fine. It won't

He is out of the house for most of the day and sometimes not home for 2-3 days - and WON'T deal with it or take any of the responsibility. So she feel she has no choice but to do what she can to save the house for the sake of her kids - very hard one. Really feel for those of you who have gone through this -

The house is where this all has to start. Can she afford the mortgage and pay something to the arrears if she isn't paying anything to the credit cards? If yes, then this is what has to happen.UNLESS there is a lot of equity in the house. In which case it would probably be better to sell the house and clear the debts and start again.

If he won't co-operate by facing up to his debts, then she may have tell him to leave or she and the kids are going to get dragged under.

Mortgage arrears have to be sorted before either an IVA or bankruptcy can be decided on.

An IVA would be very problematic unless she is 100% convinced he is not going to gamble again.

mandrake75

Seven years ago I finished my lifetime of gambling with virtually the same amount of debt mentioned above. My process was CCCS (Stepchange) for two years. As one creditor refused to freeze interest I gave in with them and went to a walk-in CAB office where they helped me down the BR route. My debts were just too high (and I only had three creditors)
Through all of this I went to Gamblers Annonymous which was a great help
They say that the first thing to do is admit you have the addiction then 'tie up your money and tie up your time' so the main problem here is his refusal to admit defeat and face the problem head on. The OP's friend has my utmost sympathy - the credit taps need to be turned off ASAP then it may hit home a little. Fingers crossed for all concerned