Am I over-reacting??

sleines

Hi all,

I am after some advice - we originally booked our wedding for this summer but had to cancel as things were going stupidly out of budget and we seemed to be doing things to please other people rather than for ourselves.

We've realised we don't need the overpriced luxury hotel wedding we originally booked and all we want is to be married - saying this, we still want to celebrate the day with friends and family so have decided on registry office then village hall for the reception - this has worked out at around £10k cheaper so are back to arranging things again (nothing booked yet as want to make sure numbers are spot on this time around). One thing we have been looking at is the guest list. Originally we had 103 for the day and were struggling to get this down to a reasonable amount this is where I think I might be over-reacting:-

My cousin is getting married in April this year and I'm very angry and upset as she has not invited my H2B to the wedding. Her sister got married a year after I met my H2B but and he wasn't invited to that wedding but I wasn't overly bothered as they hadn't met him at that point but we are now living together and they've met him a few times. Also our original wedding was booked before my cousin even got engaged!! I am not going to her wedding as I know I wont enjoy and will still be angry and upset and now don't even want them at our wedding - not inviting that part of the family would eliminate 5 (not a huge amount but every little helps!!).

Secondly I know this is petty but on our Christmas cards from his aunts and uncles it was addressed to him and 'partner' - I was bouncing when I saw 'partner' and not my name on the cards!! Yes you can guess - I dont want to invite them either - why should we pay for people who cant even be bothered to find out what my name is? This would eliminate another 15!!

Am I over-reacting and just being a spoilt little girl? My thinking is originally we cancelled as we were trying to please everyone else but it is our day.

Sorry I've rambled on.

Thanks

Own_My_Own

At the end of the day it is your wedding and you can invite or not invite whoever you please.

If you do not want them there don't invite them.

It is your day not theirs.

tinkerbellkirst

I don't think its over re-acting. I understand people's budget pressures and this may be why they aren't inviting him and only you, so I wouldn't stress too much about that, just politely decline, say you appreciate the invite but don't want to come alone so will decline the invite.


Im finding it hard with cousins etc inviting all their partners etc so thinking now they will just get an evening invite where partners can all come, as we have friends we see much more often who id rather came than extended family.


It is your day, we are only inviting people we actually see and spend time with, its mostly friends and only a small portion of family!


Kirsty

sleines

Thanks both.

I think too much of what other people will think and not enough about what we both want.

You've helped me put my mind at ease.

Thanks again.

Mrs_R_to_be

I have a big family so for my side it's cousins in the evening, but they are welcome to come to the actual wedding as it's in a church (I've not worked out quite how to word this in the invites yet though...). My OH has a small family so cousins are coming to the day too, that said not all aunt / uncles are invited as I don't know some of them.

It's your day & you should be surrounded by who you want... If you try to please everyone it might not be the wedding you & your OH want xx

FBaby

In regards to your cousin wedding in April, I think it is extremely rude not to invite your husband UNLESS they have done to same with all family members. If that is the case, they should explain why (ie. they are really strapped financially, don't want to get into debts, can only invite a reduced number of people and therefore are only inviting family members by blood). Otherwise, I would write back and say that you don't want to go without your husband to be thank you very much. As to whether to invite them at your wedding...well I would think they wouldn't want to come anyway, but at least you would have invited them.

In regards to the aunties on your fiance's side, have you ever met them? How old are they? When is the last time they saw him? I think if it is the case of them not having seen your fiance for years let alone having met you, it is understandable and I would not hold it against them, if anything, the wedding would be the perfect occasion to get to know each other better. If however you have met them and they are in regular touch with your fiance, I would definitely stand with them not being invited.

jinky9

Entirely down to you. At the end of the day you can upset people on the invite front but if you never see them and they mean nothing to you to have them there on the day does it matter. It`s your day so just do what you feel. My daughter is getting stressed out just now about her wish to have a "no children wedding". her best friends with young babies are fine about it and understand why. Her cousins on my side who she sees once a year if she is lucky (when she drives 400 miles up to see their nana and they dont bother speaking)are telling her aunt they won`t be coming.I say their loss and it keeps the cost down but my family seem to see it as deplorable. It was the fiasco of kids ruining the service at the cousins wedding that helped shape my daughters mind. As I say to her "It`s your day. Go with what makes you happy and leave others to worry about it if it does not suit them".

CompBunny

What does your hubby-to-be think?

The further we get into wedding planning the more matter-of-fact our approach...if we wouldn't want to take that person out for a meal and a drink in day-to-day life, why do the same for your wedding?

I don't think you are over reacting. This wedding lark makes everything more complicated than it should be though!

LEJC

All I can say on the matter is to reinforce that its your day and you need to consider who you invite...


Ive been married for over 20 years and still feel an outsider in my husbands family...so I totally get your "and partner " comments...however what I would say is that just because you marry dont think they will think anymore of you....I have never received a birthday card from my inlaws or indeed any member of his family....some years I may get a text on the day but I have got to the point where I became immune to their coldness some years back.
I have a reasonable relationship with them....but it was their son I married not tem or the rest of the family.
We had a very small day reception with only 56 very close friends and family and I know we ruffeled the feathers of a few on both sides of our family because of it....although we did have a large evening party where everyone in the extended families were invited to....and I know some particularly on his side felt that they were being treated as second class....but ultimately we had the wedding we wanted and shared it with those who really meant something to us...the evening party was by no means a second class affair but we wanted to have just an intimate ceremony and meal before everyone else was invited.
good luck with your planning and your future together.

sleines

Thanks for the re-assurance. We've decided to keep the day to immediate family and friends then the rest can come to the evening. Although we do see them quite regular but as someone mentioned we wouldn't really socialise with them - only family parties etc which are very rare.

I feel much better now so a huge thank you to you all. Can't wait to start planning it properly now. Hopefully will be booked within next week or so :-)

SmuggleswithStruggles

Hi

I think as long as your H2B agrees with you, then invite who you want (or don't want). At the end of the day it is about marrying the one you love. There is no point spending a ridiculous amount of money and inviting people you don't have much to do with. It is difficult because there seems to be a lot of family politics involved and family members start telling you who you should and shouldn't invite, but really, it should just be up to you and your partner.

Smuggles