Mental health and debt

reason2

Hi all, this will be long so im so sorry...

Not sure if this is the best section to post in since im not 100% sure what im asking.. i dont know whether im just venting, or trying to talk or looking for answers.

I have borderline personality disorder - something which i think the name truely doesnt reflect the condition.

its complex.. and it feels impossible to put in to words the daily battles and issues it causes.

in relation to money.. the mental health issues caused the money troubles.. now the money troubles contribute to mental health issues..

one of the "symptoms" of BPD is excessive and risky behaviour - much like when people are depressed and they buy themselves some happy.. first of all though, i am not depressed. Being depressed is completely differant and one some level involves feeling something (which of course i occasionally do)

my excessive and risky behaviour covers 4 of the 7 criteria - but the relevant ones are excessive spending and gambling.

I dont know how much of how im feeling is related to money but i know it is a part of it.

I know or at least i think i know, that i want to be a person that can buy a house one day and have these normal milestones in life.. family house car.. the knowledge that i could get a credit card...

it all feels very impossible though.. the way my mind works as a result of it makes me feel like it will be a battle i can not win and so i should not even try.

at the moment - i cant even force a though - another symptom of BPD - chronic feelings of emptiness, unsure who you are, or what you want, no real feeling of self worth, there is no other option than to think i am a failure and worthless.. i know i need to deal with certain things but i can even force my self to it.. i cant decide on anything and i genuinely have no thoughts about anything at all..last night i wanted to watch tv.. to distract me.. i spent 2 hours sat on my bed looking at my screen just thinking what can i watch.. and nothing..

I have collection letters arriving almost daily..as well as emails.. and an increase in court claims and papers.. i still havent replied.. and the ones i did reply to i replied so late i lost anyway.

my credit file - everything is default.. and has been for some time.. with the exception of my current account.

the problem is - i also need some form of life.. another symptom is a strong fear of abandonment.. and you can go from idolising someone to demonising them in the space of minutes for the most minute of things.. if i budget so that im left with nothing then i am being abandoned in my eyes because i cant live i cant be social i cant experience..

so im not allowing my self to use disposable income to clear debts because i see more use for it now..
i also get demotivated very easily so knowing that small payments to everyone could take 8-9 years to clear things makes me not want to start..

i always want instant fixes.

im also extremely emotional about things.. but when it comes to money, bailiffs and councils and collections are a huge trigger for me because i cant stand the authoritarion approach they take.. they are judge jury and executioner and i have no voice..

i cant stand that i have zero control of the situation and nothing i do or say makes any impact.. i makes me give up on everything in life - this can be anything from one letter to one phone call.. i simply can not deal with it..

there are 100's of questions matched by 100's of problems matched with 100 reasons why whatever anyone says i will attach a negative to why its not possible.

i have had this for 11 years now.. and the help is still in early stages for the profession and when i entually receive it (ive been waiting 22 weeks at the moment for my first appointment) im told i MIGHT get better ~(a bit) towards my mid 40's

Im 27.

trapped, lost, confused are all understandments.. i cosnidered bankruptcy but im a project manager in finance (because of my condition - it makes you want to change every 6 months - job, styles, personality) id probably lose my career if i went bankrupt..

i dont know what im asking really.. i just need something.. i want some normality.. for once.