Learning to pretend, in a good way

Suziebabe

Hello ! :hello:

Why is my diary called 'learning to pretend' ?? Surely, I hear you say, the whole PROBLEM is pretending everything will be alright, that's what got you here in the first place??

Very true, completely agree - and we've spent the last 20+ years see-sawing between trying to manage our money and reducing debt, then throwing the towel in and splashing out when it all felt too hard, and just pretending it would sort itself out somehow. So here we are, £31k+ in unsecured debt (never mind the mortgage), and my lightbulb came on full wattage last month when I went through a redundancy selection process at work, and realised just how vulnerable we are to falling off a cliff if the worst happens (which it didn't, this time.)

So the last few weeks have been spent logging all our spending, sorting out piggybank accounts, starting to eBay the clutter mountain, building new budget spreadsheets and generally being really 'good' :A and focusing on the hard slog ahead and how good it will feel not to have this weight on our backs. The usual build up to the 'virtuous' half of the cycle. I even got my act together and did a SOA, joined in some challenges, and started to get excited at the thought of actually tackling it this time.

Then yesterday, my OH checked his online banking and saw how much extra overtime he'd been paid, which we plugged into our new shiny spreadsheets - all good so far. Still feeling virtuous, especially when we realised it would clear one of,the overdrafts. Then he went into work, and picked up his payslip - and found he'd got his accounts muddled up, and he'd actually earned an extra £81 - result!

Then it started ... first, OH made a throw away comment about being able to go out for lunch over the bank holiday :beer: .... then I went shopping and found myself in a handbag shop (like you do ) which was having a sale, and was halfway to convincing myself I'd finally found that perfect nirvana handbag and it was only £35, and we'd got that extra money we weren't expecting ....

And that's when it struck me. :think: If only we could 'pretend' that extra £81 wasn't there, it would just go against the debts and we'd stay on track with our budgeting and debt clearance. :T OH wouldn't feel deprived of a lunch we weren't planning on anyway, i wouldn't have even gone INTO the handbag shop, never mind feeling sorry for myself that the handbag of my dreams couldn't be mine. :doh: Instead, we would still be feeling pleased with ourselves for starting to tackle our debts. Now THAT would be pretending in a useful way. THAT would be a way we can use our prodigious skills at ignoring facts in a way that actually helps us rather than damages us.

So that's the theme of my diary! Trying to use the skills we already have, in ways that help us on this long long journey, so that this way of life becomes normal and enjoyable, instead of spiralling into feeling sorry for ourselves and deprived, and falling off the bandwagon and racking up the debt again.

If you've read this far (and I really am impressed if you have:)) then let me know what you think - and if you have any other psychological tips you use to stay on track, please share, lord knows we need the help!

p.s. I may also have used this post to practice using icons!

buddiebabe

good luck on your journey x

pinkyfuzz

We're the same.....money burns a hole in our pocket....if we've got extra, we spend it!! We're also really trying to change, but it does need a different mindset. Good luck with it Suziebabe:)

Buffythedebtslayer

I love that idea! It is true that when you think you have "done it" - like with the budgets and spread sheets and the savings this and that, e bay etc. you do think oh I am ok now I can buy...........whatever. That is the tricky bit.

Brilliant idea!

Crack on with the pretending!

xxx

Suziebabe

Wow, many thanks all for re-assuring me that we're not alone in our money-thinking ways!:) Its going to be a long journey turning ourselves around - more evidence today, of the knots we've tied ourselves in when it comes to thinking about money ....

OH & I agreed that we'd try to stick to a single, weekly grocery shop to avoid the extra £20 spends that leak out our account every time we run out of milk - this was early August we started this, very early on in my LBM journey. The first week was fine, but ever since, at least once a week, OH 'forgets' and starts building a list of things he needs to pick up before the weekend.:mad: Today, OH & DS were discussing how much they enjoyed the new cocktail of white grape juice & lemonade (both from A*di) DS invented as an alternative to the J20's he loves - at which point DH said 'oh, I'll have the car on Tuesday so I can pick some more up' .. to which I replied 'I hardly think they're on the essentials list so they can wait until next weekend' :money::money:

And then it hit me. OH is 'pretending' to have forgotten about our plan, not because he doesn't want the plan to work, but because he misses the freedom of that first post-payday wander around the supermarket picking up whatever takes his fancy. I should point out that he does most of the cooking, and up until the last month he did all the grocery shopping solo, but we started going together so one of us can add up as we go round (I know, we're new at this!) So there may be an element of feeling like I'm cramping his style/policing his spending that he's trying to escape from (note:he may be right! )

A long chat followed on, about why we're doing all this & what we can do when everything's paid off - which uncovered that while he completely agrees that we need to do this, he can't actually imagine that we will - that we've been in debt so long he can't imagine us getting our act together enough to sustain it. In effect, he's 'pretending' to go along with it.:shocked:

But maybe that's not so bad? He's not sabotaging the plan at all, he's taking all the overtime on offer to help clear debts - just not fighting old habits perhaps as much as I'd like, but in some ways that just pushes me to show him we can stick to it, so he really buys in to it this time. And acts as a timely reminder to schedule in a treat at the end of September when we clear our second overdraft. I think to have the desired effect, that'll need to involve some of this :beer: !!

Off to rework spreadsheets to allow for a night at the pub!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Spreadsheets are all very well, but they aren't visible each and every day.

That £81 isn't there, it actually belongs to someone else... And all of you haven't even lasted a whole month before costing up handbags, lunches out and j2o.

If you are really ready for this, and that means all of you, get a white board, put it in the kitchen or somewhere where you can all see it, and write your debt at the top. Then give yourself monthly or weekly targets to achieve on either max spend or minimum savings and at the end of every week or month write down next to it what you did.

You can also use it for menu planning and shopping lists so you only write down what you need to buy. And just buy that. No more.

When calculating your debt, don't forget to add in the interest you pay each year/ month...as if just just pay that off the actual total will never go down.

And can you really afford a night down the pub?

Suziebabe

Sorry Ribena, I think you've misunderstood me.

I would hate to think I'm causing offence to anyone who's in real dire straits with their money, I fully appreciate that we're very very lucky to be in the situation where we are able to service the debts we've run up, and I wouldn't want my thinking aloud to seem flippant.

My recent run-in with redundancy made me realise that our luck may run out, hence my LBM. But this isn't the first time we've tried to tackle the problem - over the last 20 years we've run up and reduced our debts a few times, but always failed to finish the job and pay everything off, and never built up savings. This time, I want to get under the skin of our attitudes to money, and avoid the binge/fast cycle.

As the intro to the Grocery Challenge says, setting realistic step-down targets is easier than trying to be too strict, too soon. I'm trying to take the same approach with all our spending, but I know how lucky we are to be able to do that. So, yes, we can afford a night down the pub, at the expense of reducing our debts more slowly (all but £2k of our debt is on 0% deals) but for a change I want to try and afford it by reducing our groceries £10 a week for the last 2 weeks of the month. Actually for us, just sticking to our grocery budget and feeling proud instead of deprived is a real achievement - and if that takes a one-off reduction of £20 in debt repayments to incentivise us, then it's still a step in the right direction.

Maybe it's not appropriate to do this online, apologies again if I've offended anyone in genuine hardship, that wasn't my intention at all.

chocoholicqueen

I'm with you Suziebabe. We have to set ourselves realistic targets. I had my lbm just after Christmas and we have done well to reduce our debts so far but as it has been the summer holidays I have only paid minimum payments so that we could have a good time.

In fact this has made me more determined to get back to the overpaying as soon as hubby gets paid next week. Also because I have been taking charge of our finances, I've already saved most of the money I will need for Christmas and for the first time ever, I will not be using the cc.

Good luck on paying it off this time.

julie2710

You have to have little treats on the way even if its just something small. It's a bit like dieting, if you don't completely deprive yourself of all the nice things all the time you are less likely to fall off the wagon.

I do a similar thing to save money for the school fees, I put cash in a tin in a cupboard and pretend its not there. Isn't that what regular savers do, money straight out after pay day and pretend they don't have it? Good grief, I'm miles off that

Good luck on your journey.

Eyes_wide_open

Hi suziebabe.

I haven't been on here for long so can't proclaim to be an expert. However what i do know is that we are all different . Some people need a regimental approach, with no deviation and others take a slightly more relaxed approach.

The end result is the same, whether you go directly there or take the odd scenic route.

I know for me, working full time, caring for elderly parents that if I didn't occasionally allow myself a treat I would end up saying stuff it ... I will get there, I will be debt free however it maybe a month or two longer than if i hadn't given myself any flexibility. Yes I will pay a few pounds more in interest but that's a consequence that I'm happy to cope with.

Do whatever is right for you xxx

Buffythedebtslayer

Hello Again,

I have been here donkey's years frankly and paid off 25 000ish pounds the first time. I double paid the loan for the last year or so and paid it off two years early.

Now I have 0% credit card (transferred from a loan) to pay for home improvements, an op and my Masters course.

This time around a lot has happened, quit my job, broke up with my bf, pets cost about 1000 in vet fees! things haven't quite gone to plan. :o

However like you the debt is at 0% and I can manage the payments. I juggle spending and saving and paying off debts each month, some work out better then others

In all this time I have learnt

1. Every penny counts
2. Being debt free feels good
3. Like everything there must be a balance. you have to enjoy life.

I tend to find I need to have every things sorted so for example if I need a winter coat or boots they have to be bought. Like now actually I spent 108 in Ikea and 40 quid in New Look (classy!) for sorting my room and work clothes. I won't buy anything else now till next year. I could survive on the clothes in my wardrobe but I am not like that. It is important to feel good, to enjoy the little things and to feel confident about starting a new job.

Do what works for you.

xx