Dilemma: Godson's 18th - money or no money?

quickstepqueen

Firstly, apologies if this is in the wrong section but I am desperate for some advice.

My Godson has just turned 18. We have joked over many years as to what gift he'd like & I was planning towards that. However, it's very expensive. Sadly, I have only been able to save about a fifth of what is needed. So, I was going to give him the cash in the hope he had more birthday money that he could add it to. Here's my dilemma:

Sadly he recently got into drugs (smoking weed I think but rather heavy). Things got really bad at home & he left. I didn't know where he was & when I tried to reach out to him he cut me off. I've heard he's only just returned home, staying with a family member but he hasn't been in contact with me (out of shame perhaps.) I want to give him his 18th birthday money as it's so belated but I'm worried that it will end up going on drugs. What should I do?

I want him to know I'm still here for him (as I've always been the one truthful constant in his life, though many miles away.) I also want to trust him but this money is alot (well to me it is) & I'm torn. Any advice?

Thanking you in advance.
Qsq x

ellies_angel

Hang onto the money and wait until he's 21, if then is not right, hold on until the time is right. You have saved hard for it, don't throw it away, wait until it will help him and he will appreciate it x

iammumtoone

Don't give it to him now. I know you don't think of it this way but you do not want the money to be seen as bribery for him to start talking to you again. Once your relationship is back on track and he has got his life sorted then you can start thinking of when is a good time to give it to him.

quickstepqueen

Thanks Ellies Angel. Maybe waiting until he is 21 would be best (though i assumed 21st's weren't seen as the big celebration these days. I was trying to be "down with the kids" lol

@ iammumtoone...i hadn't thought of it in that way. Your right, if I give him the money he might think it's a bribe, which it isn't. When I first heard of his situation I did initially have contact & we were arranging to meet. I tried to ensure it was always his decision & on his terms (& in confidence) so he didn't feel threatened but as the time drew nearer that's when he cut me off. I don't condone drugs but that young lad has had a huge amount of stuff to deal with over the years, none of it his fault & I guess he's struggling to cope.

All your advice so far has been encouraging. Thankyou.

Mojisola

quickstepqueen wrote: »

I guess he's struggling to cope.

I think this is why I would hold off giving him the money.

If you're struggling, losing yourself in drink or drugs can be an attractive idea - suddenly having a fistful of money which makes getting the drugs easier could be very hard to resist.

Being there for him in practical ways will be better for him.

Dark_Star

how about something useful now, maybe engraved with name/initials as a gift & money at 21 IF he is dope free etc

perhaps a Maglite torch or penknife/leatherman type tool etc?

quickstepqueen

Mojisola wrote: »

I think this is why I would hold off giving him the money.

If you're struggling, losing yourself in drink or drugs can be an attractive idea - suddenly having a fistful of money which makes getting the drugs easier could be very hard to resist.

Being there for him in practical ways will be better for him.

That's exactly it Mojisola. I live so far away & am desperate to reach out in his time of need. However, I don't want to smother him nor let him think I forgot his 18th. I may take your advice DarkStar & personalise something (less chance of it being sold for cash/drugs) or maybe just send a tenner in his card explaining that I am still saving for his 21st.

Your advice is so helpful & is reassuring me that I'm not a bad Godmother in not giving him the cash. The emotional side to this is a whole other matter though but at least I can still honour his 18th. Thankyou.

quickstepqueen

Would you believe it but my Godson has tonight contacted me via the internet, apologising & wanting to meet. They say that talk of money can bring people out of the woodwork lol. I'm glad he's safe & has contacted me on his own terms. Whatever happens next that money will remain in my possession for the time being. I've thought about all your advice & it seems the right thing to do. Thanks guys.