The husband of an acquaintance has died. What's appropriate?

LopezLopez

I have just learned the very sad news that the husband of an acquaintance/friend of mine has died. I've had the news via email from my friend herself. We know each other from the community, through our children who sometimes play together in the park... The husband was in his late 30's, so very young. I'm in such shock but really want to be supportive. What would be appropriate to do? As well as a card, do I bring flowers over to her house? The funeral is on Monday, do I attend? (I didn't know the husband as such). What does one do in these circumstances? What does one say?

hardpressed

A card or letter is a must. She's probably inundated with flowers at the moment, perhaps in a week or so it would be nice to take some. Could you make a casserole, something that just needs heating or a cake? How old are the children? Would she welcome any help with the school run? As to the funeral, that's a difficult one, if you feel that it's supporting her by you being there, then go. If you feel uncomfortable about intruding then perhaps don't go.

What you say depends on how well you know her, just be as you normally are, if you visit each other's house for coffee then carry on doing that. Once the initial shock has worn off she is going to need her friends so although she may refuse invitation at the moment give it a couple of months and ask again.

twink

that is so sad for the family Lopez, i would go to the funeral and i think instead of flowers it might be nice to take a homemade pie, a cake or something similar, i am sure the last thing she is thinking of is cooking, i dont think you need to worry what to say, it will come to you when you get there, just be yourself, maybe ask if there is anything you can do, little kindnesses mean such a lot at a time like that

ckerrd

I think there is a huge difference between an acquaintance and a friend.

I would definitely send a card, expressing your sadness at the loss.
You may also want to suggest that if there is anything you can do you are more than willing to be available. No harm in going to the funeral and offering the same in person.

It may never be taken up but offers of help and a kind word are much appreciated.

cazziebo

Agree with the others.. These small gestures are really appreciated by people in this situation. And the worse thing that happens is when people start to avoid you because they don't know what to say.. I was really overwhelmed by the kindness of near strangers at a time, and some of these people I hardly knew are much loved friends now. (And some "friends" crossed the street when they saw me coming!)
It would be so nice if you could go to the funeral. I always think funerals are for the loved ones of the deceased, so the fact you didn't know him doesn't matter - you are going to support your friend.

you sound a lovely caring person!

Cazzie

ailuro2

Stop by and tell her in person how sad you are for her loss, and give her your mobile number if she doesn't have it already and let her know if you are able to pick up her kids/drop them off at short notice if/when there are days when she just can't face the outside world.

If you feel it is appropriate, only you know how close you are,I'd pop round with a little extra shopping for her too- perhaps tea bags, nice biscuits, a cake that will keep, something to make sandwiches with?

She will have people coming to the house and may feel bad about not getting to the shops for stuff lkike that- you know what people are like- we all, even in the oddest of circumstances like to offer guests a cup of tea no matter why the people have come to our house.

Oldernotwiser

Have you been invited to the funeral? Like a wedding, you don't just turn up without an invitation. If you have and want to send flowers, these should go to the undertakers and are addressed to the deceased. The suggestions of offering sympathy and help are excellent but funerals are quite formal occasions and it's best to do things the right way.

cazziebo

Don't think I've ever been "invited" to a funeral and certainly never "invited" anyone to the two I've organised. But I was so grateful to see people at both who had come to pay their respects. And I found it very difficult to express my thanks at the time - I hope they know now what their kindness and thoughtfulness meant to me.

I wouldn't expect to go to the tea afterwards unless I was a close friend or family, but turning up at the church or crematorium is a lovely gesture imho.

ckerrd

cazziebo wrote: »

Don't think I've ever been "invited" to a funeral and certainly never "invited" anyone to the two I've organised. But I was so grateful to see people at both who had come to pay their respects. And I found it very difficult to express my thanks at the time - I hope they know now what their kindness and thoughtfulness meant to me.

I wouldn't expect to go to the tea afterwards unless I was a close friend or family, but turning up at the church or crematorium is a lovely gesture imho.

Agreed. Unless the funeral is specifically advertised as "family only" then it is fine to go. Depending on the type of service they may have a private burial. Any funerals held in a crematorium that I have been to have not been private, as such. I have both been and not been to the "event" afterwards. Very much play that by ear.

ckerrd

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Have you been invited to the funeral? Like a wedding, you don't just turn up without an invitation. If you have and want to send flowers, these should go to the undertakers and are addressed to the deceased. The suggestions of offering sympathy and help are excellent but funerals are quite formal occasions and it's best to do things the right way.

Just a thought - but the formality tends to depend on the religion, or lack off. I have been to some incredibly formal ones, but I also went to a humanist cremation which was a really fun event, where everyone remembered the life of the deceased in such a positive way. The family were openly laughing at some of the memories and every was very uplifted by the time we all left.

Oldernotwiser

Perhaps I put it a bit strongly in saying "invited"; I think that it's a good idea to check that outsiders are welcome, particularly if you didn't know the deceased. I'd certainly keep a low profile if you go as you don't seem to be a close family friend. Some people would welcome as many people as possible, others would find that difficult. Be sensitive to her wishes.