Ex threatening to stop maintenance

Spendaholic_Chick

Hope someone can he with this - my ex is a regular maitenance payer and is happy to pay his share for our son's upkeep and take him on holidays etc. In this respect I know I'm lucky compared to a lot of people, but the problem is every time we have a disagreement he threatens to stop my maintenace payments.

He says he doesn't have to pay for the time that he has our son away for a fortnight so will only give me half the money in August. (This is because I would't let him take our son away on the days he wanted this half term week as I had made plans - but he still had him away for 3 days, as agreed in the divorce settlement)

My question is - is this correct? Can he stop the maintenance payments for those times even though I still have all th usual bills (i.e. childcare - it's levelled out over 52 weeks so I paythe same each month even though I don't use it in the holidays as I work in a school)?

I'm tempted to go to the CSA just so I can stop worrying about whether he's goingto stop the money evertime the whim takes him. He hasnever actually done it yet but it's like a form of emotional blackmail (which he's exceptionally good at). I'd probbaly get less money if it went via the CSA but its driving m ma that h has this ability to mess with my head!!

Any advice would be appreciated!

kelloggs36

The only legal agreement that can be enforced is that made by the CSA or the Courts, so if you have a private arrangement, technically he can do what he likes!

However, the CSA would work out how many nights the child/ren stay over over a year and work out the average and base shared care on that. If the average is less than 1 night per week, then he will be entitled to NO reduction in maintenance at all, even if he has them for 2 weeks at a time.

Elle00

I say tit for tat on this one; tell him fine, he won't see his son then and see if that has an effect? You don't have to follow through if you know it would cause hurt to your son but you can make the threat regardless of whether or not it is empty.

He is morally wrong to stop maintainace for holidays etc as you still have to pay rent for your extra bedroom and as you say regarding childcare, it is all worked out over the course of a year. Explain this and tell him well, you'd usually spend x amount on personal bits for your son (food, entertainment or whatever) so would he like to deduct that amount from maintance during holidays as you still have to keep the house and childcare ticking over as a weekly thing. Sometimes I think these ex's simply do not understand and genuinely believe we are being unreasonable so try to logically put your case across.

Erm, hate to put a downer on things but unless he refuses to pay the CSA for x amount of time then they won't force him either. Ex's up and down the country simply cancel the DD's on their accounts and so many do it the CSA can't keep up! It has to go on for a while and you have to keep phoning them constantly before a DEO (deduction of earnings order) is made and the maintainance taken directly from the NRP's wages and this may take 3 months or it may take ten years depending on the case worker you get and the porkies your ex tells. My ex was a nuisance for months and then even when he did "play ball" they still couldn't get it right.

If you want to know what the CSA would pay you, work out what 15% of his wage his then deduct 1/7 for every night he has him overnight in each week (work it out as an anual total to include agreed holidays). And yes, as the poster above says - if it is just the 2wks and doesn't work out at 52 nights a year or more then there is NO reduction at all.

You really are only entitled to 15% of his wage after deductions less 1/7 per overnight stay each week which I think most of us agree is pathetic considering we usually spend a considerably greater percentage of our incomes on our kids but there you go. Private agreements are usually considerably higher than CSA ones so do what you can if this is the case.

N71

Elle83 wrote: »

Erm, hate to put a downer on things but unless he refuses to pay the CSA for x amount of time then they won't force him either. Ex's up and down the country simply cancel the DD's on their accounts and so many do it the CSA can't keep up!

But, even if it takes a while to get DEO, or payments restarted, any payments he's missed will be added onto his arrears, so you'll get it back eventually.

okra

Elle83 wrote: »

I say tit for tat on this one; tell him fine, he won't see his son then and see if that has an effect? You don't have to follow through if you know it would cause hurt to your son but you can make the threat regardless of whether or not it is empty.

Please, no. That's a surefire way to turn a relatively amicable relationship into a battleground. Plus, it's childish, immoral, etc.


Could you just talk to your ex, picking a time when your relationship is good rather than when you're in the middle of a disagreement, and explain how his threats make you feel? I'm sure if he's the father he seems to be from your posts, you could sort this out between you. I can sort of understand that it's probably the only 'power' he has over you, whilst you have the 'power' to say when he can and can't see his son so it's probably a knee jerk reaction on his part.

TheWaltons_3

Yeah be reasonable, try not to damage this relationship as it sounds quite good otherwise (compared to the other horror stories).

Tell him that if he still won't be reasonable, you will have no choice but to get the CSA involved for your own security so that you know that you will get the money for your childs maintenance.

Hapless_2

Elle83 wrote: »

I say tit for tat on this one; tell him fine, he won't see his son then and see if that has an effect?

NO..Never do that, that makes the child nothing more than a commodity and the courts never look kindly on that. It also puts the child through hell.

TheWaltons_3

Hapless wrote: »

NO..Never do that, that makes the child nothing more than a commodity and the courts never look kindly on that. It also puts the child through hell.

To be fair to elle83 though.. she DID say not to follow this through due to the effect on the child.

I can see where Elle is coming from though.

thesaint

TheWaltons wrote: »

To be fair to elle83 though.. she DID say not to follow this through due to the effect on the child.

I can see where Elle is coming from though.

elle83 did say not to follow it through, but what happens if she makes this threat and the father tells the child what his mother intends to do?

By the time she decides not to withold contact the damage will already be done. What's the point of empty threats?

Stooping to the fathers level is not the way to go.

Spendaholic_Chick

Thanks everyone for the advice. I would never stop access and he knows this as our son has a great relationship with his Dad and I'd never want to hurt that as in end I think it would come back to haunt me, but I can see what Elle meant.

Basically, I'm going to have to live with his constant threats and hope he sees sense and doesn't carry them through. Appreciate the advice though guys xx