How to say you can't afford to come?

Nojjer

Hi all.

Not sure this is the correct place to ask this question but I thought I'd give it go.

After speaking to my folks at the weekend it seems my sister has picked a wedding venue in Thailand for April next year. This has left me with some major issues.

A bit of background info to my problems:

I got married last year and my sister who lives in Singapore now flew across and attended our wedding, she was also amazingly generous and paid for our Honeymoon. She is very wealthy working for a top bank in Singapore. She is marrying a golf pro and together they have a combined income of a lot more than I could ever dream of. We were close as children but since University we have moved further and further apart both successful but on very different scales and are very different people now and we rarely talk maybe 2 or 3 times a year outside birthdays and Christmas.

Last year was a but of a traumatic year that has increased the divide even more. My sister got pregnant from her now fianc! and my wife and I also became pregnant. Babies due 2 months apart. We unfortunately lost our baby in traumatic circumstances and are lucky to still have each other. My sister went on to have a wonderfully healthy baby girl that we are looking forward to meeting, but she never spoke to us for 2 to 3 month after our loss even to find out if we were ok, her excuse is that it would make her too upset.

To make things even worse after a long battle to get back on her feet my wife was ready to return to work and she was made redundant, effectively halving our income.

So this is where my dilemma starts.

We have been given the all clear to try again for a family and we may only have one more shot at it due to us being in our mid 30s and the risks that it could pose to my wife. So with any luck come next April we may have just had a baby or could be heavily pregnant, meaning it would be unlikely that my wife could travel, and I would be unwilling lo leave my wife if heavily pregnant or if we are lucky enough with a weeks old baby.

The second issue is the cost. As stated we have had our income halved. We are surviving but do not have any real cash to through around especially if we are planning for a family. The best will in the world I have worked out that a combined hotel and flight stay for just a weekend in Thailand from Scotland will cost me £1200 before food, wedding gift etc. That's money we don't have and can't save for.

So my question is am I being selfish and ungratefully after my sister was so generous to us for our wedding? Or are we being sensible?

Biggest issue is how do I tell her?:(

poet123

I think this will be very difficult. Your sister is getting married close to where she lives which is not unreasonable, so it is not as if she is expecting you to fly out to a wedding "abroad" if you get my train of thought. Add in her actions at your wedding and you have a hard decision. I wouldn't be too hard on her re the baby issue, people often do not know how to react in such circumstances, and given she had just had her own child she may have felt really awkward and unsure how to handle it.

Rather than say you cannot afford it I would be honest with her about the baby situation. In your shoes I would do all I could to save up and be able to go if nothing changes on the baby front. Are other family members attending? I think that how you broach the subject is key, and how you frame your reservations.

Mojisola

She's got to be as aware as you that there are big differences in your incomes. While she was able to come to your wedding, it would have been a much smaller percentage of her income than you would need to spend to go to Thailand.

I think you've got to be very upfront about it - tell her that you aren't in a position to find that kind of money because of what's happened and that you and wife are hoping that she may be pregnant by then and unable to travel.

It's one of those situations where either she'll be understanding or have a bridezilla strop. You can't control her reaction but you don't have to be pressurised by her to do something that isn't right for you and your wife.

RainbowDrops

Nojjer wrote: »

Biggest issue is how do I tell her?:(

She's family, so hopefully you can talk to her about it.
And do it in person (eg on the phone).

Turtle

I'd definitely tell her about the baby situation upfront, because if she offers to pay for you to go (doesn't sound out of the question from what you've said), then you have to bring up the hoped for pregnancy, it may sound like you're making excuses. Good luck!

lazer

Personally,

I would talk to her, she is your sister and did make a massive effort with your wedding.

If you explain the situation about the baby then I am sure your sister would understand, however i think that if your wife isn't pregnant or just recently given birth then you should make every effort to go.

You say the wedding is in April, so that is almost a year a way, and 6 months beforehand you will be in a better position to assess the timings re:baby so tell your sister this and that you will let her know in November.

Finances - is the £1200 for just your flights or yours and your wifes?, I would suggest if the fiances don't allow for both of you, you could try and save enought to go on your own?

Are your parents aware of your financial situation - could they help explain it to your sister or could they help pay for flights etc?

Alternatively - could you raise the extra money somehow - try some of the up your income boards, you have a year to save and need to earn £20 - £25 extra a week.

I would have been very upset if my brother (And I would not say we are that close - we were as children but he moved away for university and we aren't really that close now) but he is my only brother and we actually paid for his hotel room for him ~(but he paid his own flights home)

indecisive_bride

I would talk to her and explain, maybe firstly talk about the baby and then bring cost into it as she may offer to pay for you to go.
X

floss2

Speak to her about the baby hopes, and also tell her that currently funds are a little tight due to your wife's redundancy, and be honest with her.

And when you DO become expectant parents, make sure she's one of the first to know.

ognum

Perhaps you could suggest that due to various circumstances you would rather wait to make a decision till nearer the date, say 3 or 4 months before. that should be enough time for her to work numbers out.

If your wife gets another job and she does not get pregnant as quickly as you wish you both may wish to go. Try to delay the choice!

sheeppappar

Crikey I would hope your sister would understand that you can't afford to go - I know I would. Even if you could pull together the money to pay for flights and a stay for just you then that money is really needed for your new baby, or just to supplement your household now that your wife is redundant.

I think your responsibility lies with your closest family now (your wife and, hopefully, child) rather than with doing what your sister wants. I also think your responsibility is not just financial and that you are correct to want not to leave your wife at 9 months pregnant/with a newborn!

I would hope you could explain to your sister what you've said in your post, including about how you appreciate what she has done for you, so that she can understand.
I hope you resolve it but I think you are right to be strongly leaning towards not going to the wedding.
Good luck...

mum2one

I would explain that with your wifes redundancy that money is a factor, be honest, if she said that she found the baby situation difficult, I can see wheres shes coming from, I'm lucky enough to have 1 child, in an ideal situation I would like to have been the 2.4 family, but health reasons I couldn't have any more children, and when friends went on to have more children, I found it difficult to see them, as I got upset, I was pleased they had children, but also it felt like a stab in the back for me, for your sister - maybe she feels awful that she had the healthy baby and you were robbed, everybody acts differently.

As others have said April is a time away, if she does offer to pay for tickets - then explain that you didnt really want to say anything but your trying for a baby, and again you wouldnt want to put her in the situation, say that your review the situation say a christmas - that gives both sides time xxx