FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

Alpha58

tayforth wrote: »

I'm not going to make any snap decisions. I still don't want to report it, for his parents' sake more than anything.

Easy for me to say but as an opinion, you should report it to the Police, if only to see a specialist officer who deals with abuse.

It seems that abusers will generally not restrict themselves to one person. I was a close observer to something that happened a while back where an accusation was made against a priest; once the complaint was made, it prompted a whole host of people to cone forward and admit that it had happened to them as well. If the first complaint had not been made, it would never have come out. And look what happened with the complaints against Jimmy Savile.

You have changed your life and had an emotional clearout so perhaps a good time to deal with something that clearly bothers you. Again - just an opinion. You are a strong woman so whatever you do will, I am sure, be carefully considered. Good luck!

tayforth

Thanks for all your lovely supportive posts. I've been reading them all day.

I'm just back from visiting a friend and feel exhausted. I'll reply properly in the morning xxx

Firefly

I was so sorry to hear of the latest developments with your abuser. Please remember that you are not the person you were and I would bet that he is far more anxious about seeing you than vice versa. You will now have the upper hand. You are a strong lady and you can do this.

spirit

Nor would I shield an abuser whatever well intentioned your reasons might be.

I've not said this before to anyone but both my younger sister and I were abused by our mother's second husband (I refused to call him a stepfather)

I kicked up a fuss at the time but my mother stood in front of the front door to bar me from going to the police. Long story, but she chose to support him (as her meal ticket) than go with her daughter. I subsequently ran away from home at 16 and never had much to do with either of them since. After I left he started on my younger sister but I wasn't aware at the time.

He died some years ago now and out of some stupid sense of duty me and sis visited him in hospital. I so wanted to tell the nurses to stop any pain relief for him so he could have some idea what pain feels like.

My sister didn't deal with it in the same way as me and as a result suffered a lot with depression which she still hasn't got over. she says it's all because she didn't front him out like I did. when he died she wanted to dance on his grave and tell everyone at the funeral what he was really like, she didn't do that. His death didn't bring the closure she hoped for either, just frustration that she didn't do something about it at the time.

This is why I would advise you to do whatever you can so you don't suffer the same way.

tayforth

Sorry that I haven't been on today. I'll reply properly tomorrow on the PC. Too much to say, but for now I'm tired physically and mentally. Need a decent sleep.

Goodnight xx

tayforth

spirit - I read your post with tears in my eyes. Thank you so much for being brave enough to write it. I'll reply properly tomorrow xxx

tayforth

OK. I'm back. I'm on the PC at my mum's (got back here yesterday).

I went to a different solicitor, who had also quoted me £50, and got my will drawn up, signed and witnessed. I'm glad that that's done. They have a copy and I have a copy.

Then I came home yesterday and saw my sister and BIL, and told them the story. They were a bit taken aback, but my sister wasn't shocked that things hadn't been right between me and the ex. She gave me a big hug and asked if I was ok, and I reassured her that I was.

I'm so relieved that they know. Now I don't have to keep it quiet any more or worry about anyone finding out.

duchy wrote: »

Tay - you are NOT the person you were 15 years ago -Heck you're not even the person you were a month ago !!!

The child you were then may feel scared or intimidated by this man -the adult you are now is more than a match for him -and also has the power to report him if you choose. You may never encounter him .....or you can equip yourself with the tools you need to deal with him if you do. A look of disgust and the phrase"-If I ever see you again I am going to the police to reopen the case" (he doesn't know you've never made a report of any kind) . He has FAR more to lose than you do.

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

I totally agree with this. You are now an adult not a child and your feelings are from that little girl who had no control and lost all power but if you bring it back to the here and now you actually have the power and he has more to be afraid of from you than you have from him. You now have the power and control once you can work through this. He will be living in fear of being around you, you remembering, you reporting etc etc

Firefly wrote: »

I was so sorry to hear of the latest developments with your abuser. Please remember that you are not the person you were and I would bet that he is far more anxious about seeing you than vice versa. You will now have the upper hand. You are a strong lady and you can do this.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I had never thought of it like that.

OTOH, if he's so afraid of running into me, why move to where I live??

tayforth

rockie4 wrote: »

I agree with the others, you are a much stronger person than you were - do not let this man get you down! You have shown your inner strength with what you have been through in the last month so as my mum would say ' deep breath, stick your chest out and come out fighting'

On a personal note from me.....I've been and gone and done it :eek: I get the keys to the flat on the 10th June and can move in on the 17th:) scared, apprehensive but strangely excited now

That is wonderful news!!!! :j:j:j:j:j I'm thrilled for you, really I am. I admire you for moving forward in your difficult situation and taking action to get away from your ex. You'll be so happy when you move into your new place, you won't know yourself

scaredy_cat wrote: »

contact your works HR about the EAP scheme now, it might take a week or so for an appt with a counsellor to be made.

I will, thanks xxx

swampduck wrote: »

On the subject of your itchy rash - have you considered putting Bicarbonate of soda in your bath? It was suggested I try this when my kids had chicken pox many years ago. You can even make it up into a paste to put on to the rash directly.
As an exzema sufferer I know how the itching can drive you insane and once the doctors' potions and creams had done their job - I began to use Bodyshops' Coconut Body Butter. This, as well as having natural goodies in with natural healing propensities has finally soothed the flare ups that I used to have.

..... and chin up! You are doing brilliantly well with dealing with your new life!

Swampy

I'll try both of these, thanks Swampy Who knew that body butter would work on flare ups?

tayforth

Alpha58 wrote: »

Easy for me to say but as an opinion, you should report it to the Police, if only to see a specialist officer who deals with abuse.

It seems that abusers will generally not restrict themselves to one person. I was a close observer to something that happened a while back where an accusation was made against a priest; once the complaint was made, it prompted a whole host of people to cone forward and admit that it had happened to them as well. If the first complaint had not been made, it would never have come out. And look what happened with the complaints against Jimmy Savile.

You have changed your life and had an emotional clearout so perhaps a good time to deal with something that clearly bothers you. Again - just an opinion. You are a strong woman so whatever you do will, I am sure, be carefully considered. Good luck!

I hadn't thought of that. I might contact the police, even just to talk it through. I'm sure that I wouldn't have to name him at first.

An emotional clearout - what a nice phrase! Like decluttering one's house :A

spirit wrote: »

Nor would I shield an abuser whatever well intentioned your reasons might be.

I've not said this before to anyone but both my younger sister and I were abused by our mother's second husband (I refused to call him a stepfather)

I kicked up a fuss at the time but my mother stood in front of the front door to bar me from going to the police. Long story, but she chose to support him (as her meal ticket) than go with her daughter. I subsequently ran away from home at 16 and never had much to do with either of them since. After I left he started on my younger sister but I wasn't aware at the time.

He died some years ago now and out of some stupid sense of duty me and sis visited him in hospital. I so wanted to tell the nurses to stop any pain relief for him so he could have some idea what pain feels like.

My sister didn't deal with it in the same way as me and as a result suffered a lot with depression which she still hasn't got over. she says it's all because she didn't front him out like I did. when he died she wanted to dance on his grave and tell everyone at the funeral what he was really like, she didn't do that. His death didn't bring the closure she hoped for either, just frustration that she didn't do something about it at the time.

This is why I would advise you to do whatever you can so you don't suffer the same way.

My goodness, spirit, how terrible for you that your mother, your protector, stood in the way of you reporting this man's appalling crime. And then STAYED WITH HIM. I can't even begin to imagine how that must have felt. No wonder you left home at 16 and have had nothing to do with them since. You (and your sister) were betrayed by the person who was supposed to love you unconditionally and put your needs above her own.

I will certainly take on board your words; I don't want this to consume me, I need to take back control of my own life. Whether by talking about it, going to the police, or whatever - I should start to do what's best for me, rather than putting everyone else first.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

tayforth wrote: »

OTOH, if he's so afraid of running into me, why move to where I live??

He probably doesn't know how far you have come and that you are contemplating reporting it.