Please help... Really need some support to do this.

changethings

First off, please don't judge what I'm going to share here - I realise that bankruptcy can seem like an easy way out for greedy, lazy people etc and I feel the shame and failure of that very deeply. I also apologise for the length of this

I'm in debt to the tune of over 20k, all unsecured credit cards, store cards, and an overdraft.

I live in a house owned (well, on mortgage) by my partner. I am totally isolated - I have nobody but my partner in my life having no family and lost contact with old friends.

I haven't worked for 2 years having suffered depression for over 15 years and been in a constant decline of health which has now reached such a point that I'm essentially housebound. I stopped going to the doctors nearly 15 years ago after they told me I was fine though I was falling apart. I have never claimed any benefits and have no idea about that side of things, and am totally dependant on my partner (unmarried).

I can't continue in my relationship - it's a long story but that's the bottom line and I'd appreciate no reference to that side of things. We share no finances officially, though they put X amount into my bank account to cover the interest on my debts each month.

I'm finally prepared to seek and accept the help I clearly need. But I see that I will have to go bankrupt if I leave this relationship - I have no income, no assets, no savings, and no potential for either in the short to medium term.

I'm not even sure of all the things I probably need to ask here...

1) Would me going bankrupt affect my partner, given that there are no official shared finances bar council tax, but they have funded my interest repayments to keep the CCJs and baliffs at bay by transferring X amount to my bank account each month? (I haven't yet considered where or how I will live when I end the relationship, but in the short term we are amicable enough that I could continue living here. Any advice on housing in my situation also very welcome).

2) As I'm essentially housebound, without support, in a rural area, and petrified of anything 'social', is there any advice about the procedure itself? I.E. how much of it can be done via phone/internet/post? What is the bare minimum of physical visits I would have to make and how much detail do i ahve to go into (any advice on making that side of it less scary would be great - I'd be likely to back out of it if I don't prepare 100% thoroughly, and arrange support for physical visits somehow).

3) My debt has been accrued over many years - it started when I was perfectly functional and in a very well paid job with excellent prospects. The borrowing was originally part of a plan to get access to lots of credit to be a buffer for a business (i.e. paid off each month for over 5 years and so I ended up with access to a lot of credit). When I got ill and couldn't work I was hopeful that I'd recover and be able to pay it off, and as such I funded my breakdown and life with the available credit. That hope has finally dissipated and I'm now left with debts accrued from many frivolous things as well as basic living. Nothing of any particular value i.e. all under £100 varying from fashion and beauty products to presents for others, to household goods and in the main just general living costs e.g. food shopping.

When you file for bankruptcy how will they assess my assets? I have none myself, but naturally partner who I have lived with for over 10 years has all the normal things, which they purchased but we both use. Is there any chance their things that they purchased but which are equally used would be seized?

I have been reading up on the topic and realise that my questions may seem easily answered elsewhere, but I'm worried that I may have missed something that will cause additional pain to a partner that has been so supportive in many ways, but whom I have to leave if I am to recover. I need to ensure that they are not affected in any way - in fact, ideally I'd prefer to not involve them at all - is that possible?

I am heartbroken at the ehole thing and am only just facing up to what I have to do... Any advice would be really appreciated.

Thank you.

PippaGirl_2

changethings wrote: »

1) Would me going bankrupt affect my partner, given that there are no official shared finances bar council tax, but they have funded my interest repayments to keep the CCJs and baliffs at bay by transferring X amount to my bank account each month? Nope, not if there are no joint financial accounts or products.

2) As I'm essentially housebound, without support, in a rural area, and petrified of anything 'social', is there any advice about the procedure itself? I.E. how much of it can be done via phone/internet/post? What is the bare minimum of physical visits I would have to make and how much detail do i ahve to go into (any advice on making that side of it less scary would be great - I'd be likely to back out of it if I don't prepare 100% thoroughly, and arrange support for physical visits somehow). You can download and print off all the forms you need to apply for BR, we can help you complete them and offer as much advice as you need. You will need to attend court in person to apply for BR, some courts do a turn up and wait process and some you need to have booked an appointment and some courts lets you choose either method so check with your local court that deals with BR what their process is. You will need to have taken debt advice professionally so do phone CAB or stepchange or National debtline but from what you say BR may well be your best option. Do you have anyone at all who could go to the court with you, just for some emotional support? However, everyone at court is helpful and professional and it will be far easier than you imagine. After the BR process at court, someone from the OR office will phone you soon after to make brief contact and introduce themselves and make an appointment for a phone interview later when they go through your BR forms with you over the phone. Then if all is simple, that may well be all you hear from the OR office until your automatic discharge.

3) When you file for bankruptcy how will they assess my assets? I have none myself, but naturally partner who I have lived with for over 10 years has all the normal things, which they purchased but we both use. Is there any chance their things that they purchased but which are equally used would be seized? The OR is not interested in everyday household things, even if it were you that owned them so don't worry about that. The only things they would be interested in are things you own such as property, cars if not exempt and low value, jewellery if high value.

I have been reading up on the topic and realise that my questions may seem easily answered elsewhere, but I'm worried that I may have missed something that will cause additional pain to a partner that has been so supportive in many ways, but whom I have to leave if I am to recover. I need to ensure that they are not affected in any way - in fact, ideally I'd prefer to not involve them at all - is that possible? Your partner won't need to be involved at all.

Just in case it is relevant to you, if there is emotional abuse (or indeed any abuse, physical or financial) then Womens Aid would provide accommodation for you if you were to leave where you are and they would help you apply for any benefits you would be entitled to after you arrive with them. Emotional abuse (google it if needed to find out how inciduous and subtle it can be, see if you can recognise it in your relationship) is harder to cope with and recover from than any physical abuse. I only mention this because emotional abuse can leave people isolated from all friends and family and you've mentioned that, it also causes depression. If this is relevant to you there is support out there for you.

Do go to see your GP if possible and share how you are feeling.

Mostly though, do not be ashamed, many people have been where you are and have come through it all. I remember the shame I felt so clearly, for me it subsided in the days and weeks after going BR and then a peace came over me that you wouldn't believe. Done and dusted and a new start arrived. You will be ok and you will get through this.

changethings

Pippagirl - I can't express my thanks enough. Your reply brought on some strong waves of sobbing as you were so insightful and pretty much got the situation in one. Having nobody in my life I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have someone reply so thoughtfully and give me hope and strength.

I've done some further reading on the emotional abuse topic and it's as much a relief to realise that what has happened to me is recognised as it to be reassured that the bankruptcy isn't as daunting as I have imagined it to be all this time.

I will do some more research and post back. Thank you so much.

tigerfeet2006

As Pippa has said, contact Women's Aid they will be able to help and support you http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Also pop over to the Relationships board of Mumsnet, there are some really helpful posters on the board who will help you with getting out of this relationship.
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

All the best with the rest of your journey.

lizisintrouble

changethings, im looking into BR and have lots to learn. I just wanted to tell you that theres a wealth of supportive, knowledgable people here to help you xxxx

fiveyearplan

Welcome Changethings. Making your first post was such an important step. This forum is very informative and just as importantly, incredibly supportive.

Best wishes to you.

elliesmemory1

You will be ok. I went br just over two and a half years ago and did it alone. Didnt tell anyone. However the help and support of people on here was great and will help you. It is fairly straightforward to do. You need to fill in the forms, people on here will help. I had to see the judge, but not everyone does. If you do dont worry he was a niceman and very understanding and it was over in 5 mins. Just ask questions on here you will get help. Good luck

sort_me_own_yard_out

Good Morning,

In hindsight the hardest part was finding the help. The attending of court, the OR interview were now where as bad in reality that I had built up in my head.

I was ashamed I sat and sobbed through my visit to CAB, and at the court cried that much after it was over I vommited. I ahave done this process purely with the help and support of this board. It has been my saviour.

I can symapthaise with mental health issues I have suffered from severe bouts of depression over the years not made any easier with binge drinking. I hope you get all the help you need with this and quickly.

I went bankrupt a month ago yesterday. I seriously cant believe a month has passed. I went shopping last week and spent £78 of the £90 clothing allowance I have and it felt wonderful knowing that I had bought my children clothes they needed without wondering who I wasnt going to pay. Little realities like this and the fact I have not been struck down by lightening, branded as a bankrupt or made to working round in sacking with a sign around my neck ease my guilt and shame.

Well done for identifying you need help in many aspects of your life. I really hope its a start to a brighter future and wish you all the best.

gardenlady_2

Hello.

I just wanted to say how much I admire you for what you are doing, you are really brave, and I hope that everything goes well for you.

Good luck! x