Trying to help my friend, any suggestions please?

grannieannie_2

Hi there, I have been trying to help my friend get out of debt for over a year now, but she is a soft touch where her children are concerned and only listens to me when she wants to. Okay, maybe I should tell her to go jump in the lake, but I can't, she's my friend. For over 3 years she was living in her ex's house that he had bought to do up and sell on for a profit rent-free, but lst year he wanted her out so he could sell it. OH and I told her to wait until he actually came to push her out of the door as she only has a part time job and can't really afford a mortgage.

Anyway, last June, she bought a house, has a 10 year mortgage for £93,000 (she is 56) this is interest only. She also had other debts, that I didn't know the true extent of at the time, but she mentioned to me her 6 credit cards, so I suggested she consolidated them into 1 loan at a lower rate. I asked her to ad up EVERYTHING she owed, then find out how much a loan would cost her. The next thing I hear is that she has got a loan for £6,000, but that only paid for 5 of the credit cards and one of these women who call round lending you money at exorbitant rates. I think she wasted any that was left on her 2 children. 1 is an alcoholic and the other is a single Mum with only a part time job and an 8 year old to bring up. She is always lending them money, but now tells me that she can't keep her head above water.

Earlier this year I took Martin's advice and wrote her a letter to the Halifax asking for nearly £3,000 charges back, we got £2,300, because she had to pay them back her overdraft. I gave her today another letter to the HSBC for another £570 of charges from them, but as she only works part time, and is holiday relief for Mencap, some weeks she doesn't work at all, others she works all the hours god sends and ends up with more tax to pay. She can do a bit of cleaning, but has problems with her legs, so she can't stand or sit very long. I made her some leaflets for house cleaning and printed them off, but they are still in her drawer after 5 months!!!!

She has this £93,000 mortgage, HSBC o/d of £1,500, still has a CC up to its limit, the loan for £6,000, plus all her normal bills and god knows what she still hasn't told me about. She is behind nearly 2 months with her mortgage payments and is worried she will lose the house and the £20,000 deposit she paid.

Can anyone give me any ideas of what I can do to help, someone who is not strong enough to help herself please?????

misspoppy

To Be honest there isn't anything you can do for someone that doesn't want to change. She has to do it for herself.

The main thing you could encourage her to do is to look for a job with more regular hours and she can then fit in her relief work around this.

May be a bit of straight talking is what is needed. Tell her that the bank will probably reposes her house, this might scare her into asking you for help. But she needs to ask for it for it to be any use. Your current method doesn't seem to be helping so a change of tactic might.

lynzpower

could you get her to come on here herself and read about what others are doing? maybe she would feel stronger once she relaises she is not alone.

grannieannie_2

Hi girls, thanks for replies.

I know what you mean, its difficult to help someone who isn't strong enough to help herself. I do feel she could try harder, like the HSBC keep phoning her, but its an 0800 number that comes up on her mobile and she won't answer it as its probably someone asking for money. She thinks its the gas people!!! Well, we took the number and I just clled it, but its the HSBC!!!! well, if she won't talk to them, they won't help her will they?

She knows she will be re-possessed if she doesn't do something, and yes, we keep telling her to look for a 'proper' job, then do other things around it, but its like talking to ourselves. I can't get her on here, as she gave her computer to her granddaughter and cancelled her broadband to save herself money, so anything on the internet, including selling stuff for her on Ebay, I have to do for her! She lives 10 miles away, and we go down to see her at least once a week, although we are both out of work at the moment, but she has only been up here once, and that was only because OH went and got her in the car and brought her back for a couple of hours!!!

I think she's a lost cause, but I can't give up on her, she's my friend.

Seaxwyn

Hi Annie

You sound like a really good friend. You can't always help people if they don't want to be helped. Perhaps just being supportive and gently nudging her to take this seriously is all you can do for now, and perhaps one day she will have her own lightbulb moment and then she will know exactly where to go for advice.

chevalier

I would be well scared if I was 56 and in this position. What does she think she is going to do at this age is she doesn't get herself sorted now? I would imagine she is looking at a breadline existence when she is of pensionable age, and who would want that.

Ref the tax she should be able to claim back any overpayment. Would this help pay off the mortgage arrears.

Could you check for her whether she is in the right banding for council tax. If she is in too high a banding she can claim a rebate for all the time she has lived in the house.

But in the long run, I think you will have to say here is x y and z to do. If you can't do these things for yourself, then I am sorry but it takes too much out of me to help you any further. Then leave her x y and z to do and see what happens. If she does nothing, then unfortunately you will have to be very hard and tell her no more. Sometimes tough love is the only way.

chev

grannieannie_2

Well, spoke to my friend again this afternoon, and I think she now realises that this IS her last chance to get herself sorted. I found a company on the internet who have spoken to her and they reckon they can get her a slightly larger mortgage, but over a longer period and they will put her son on the mortgage as well because he is only 31.

Okay, I know this is not ideal, but rack my brains as I have done today and am still doing, I can't find a better way around it. At the moment she is paying £450 a month mortgage, £150 a month loan, plus 2 overdrafts and a credit card, and she missed a mortgage payment and 2 Council Tax payments.

This new mortgage (if they accept her) will be £510 a month and she reckons she can pay off all the other debts and have just the one payment. It will mean she can exist, as long as she doesn't start giving money to her son and daughter, which has been a lot of her trouble in the past!

Okay, its not going to help her long term, as you said Chevalier, it is scary to be in that position at 56. And her house is only worth about £120,000, so when she dies, there won't be much left for her son to share with his sister, but I'm trying to think of my friend and now, not what happens to her kids in 20 years time, and if she doesn't give up smoking soon, she won't last another 20 yeas to see the end of the mortgage!!!! I'm 56 too and a bit scared about what's going to happen when I retire, I can't get a job and OH has a bad back, and he's over 60 now. Our private pensions are worth very little, but at least our mortgge is only £45,000 in a house that's worth £200,000, so we can downsize and not have a mortgage, but if my friend downsizes anymore, she'll be in a garage!!!

So please think of her and keep fingers crossed that she sorts herself out this time. If she doesn't, I'm emigrating!!!!! Thanks for all your ideas Ann