Your views please

Ches

My OH doesn't give me any HK money at all but instead pays for the shopping while I stand by like a lemon. (He also tells me how to pack the carrier bags but thats another story.:mad: ) I pay all the household bills from my money and the house is actually mine. I have no mortgage. He pays for his car (I don't drive) holidays/entertainment and the weekly shopping. I have persuaded him to start giving me HK money in October when his financial situation changes ( retiring) and so far he has agreed. I hate not being in control of the household budget especially as I have to budget for the utilities etc. albeit I don't have to struggle that much. At the moment my freezer and store cupboard are bursting at the seams with food which I am stock piling for when I take over the shopping budget. Now I am feeling guilty for doing this and wonder if I ought to start cutting back on his spending now. BTW he never queries what goes in the trolly and every time he goes to the shops he buys something in case we need it. I have spares of spares of everything. I prefer to cook 'proper' meals while he would live on take aways and RM's if I let him. In your opinion am I being unfair to stockpile all this food or should I just refuse to shop with him anymore until we have used most of it up. Remember when I take over in October I don't want to start with empty cupboards.

lil_me

My partner gives me a set amount per week. I find that is the only way to do it for us. Whatever he has left + overtime is up to him how he spends. Before that we tried him giving me everything, he then asked for more money back than we could afford for him to spend. We tried him paying for x x and x, then there was arguments he created on how much things were costing, him forgetting etc.

Unfortunately this means I do take care over every bill coming in aswell as food, clothing etc expenses. He has no responsibility over it. Plus side is, I know what I am getting in, I know the bills are paid etc and apart from little blips where he has a moan when he doesn't have enough for something we manage fine.

He does have his credit cards back which is my biggest regret, as he's ran up bills, but basically he was told they are your cards to use and pay off, I don't want to know. This is when he moans the most, wants something but a payment is due.

The stockpiling part, I used to do that out of worry when my partner paid for the shopping. Don't now. If your income is going to reduce I would say try to get used to it sooner rather than later.

Some say we are mad, that they do it as his and hers, or that 'it all goes into one pot' but like my sister found when she left it to her partner and went into one pot, he spent it all the first week then they lived on spuds until the next pay day.

~~H~~_4

Ches wrote: »

My OH doesn't give me any HK money at all but instead pays for the shopping while I stand by like a lemon. (He also tells me how to pack the carrier bags but thats another story.:mad: ) I pay all the household bills from my money and the house is actually mine. I have no mortgage. He pays for his car (I don't drive) holidays/entertainment and the weekly shopping. I have persuaded him to start giving me HK money in October when his financial situation changes ( retiring) and so far he has agreed. I hate not being in control of the household budget especially as I have to budget for the utilities etc. albeit I don't have to struggle that much. At the moment my freezer and store cupboard are bursting at the seams with food which I am stock piling for when I take over the shopping budget. Now I am feeling guilty for doing this and wonder if I ought to start cutting back on his spending now. BTW he never queries what goes in the trolly and every time he goes to the shops he buys something in case we need it. I have spares of spares of everything. I prefer to cook 'proper' meals while he would live on take aways and RM's if I let him. In your opinion am I being unfair to stockpile all this food or should I just refuse to shop with him anymore until we have used most of it up. Remember when I take over in October I don't want to start with empty cupboards.

October is a long time away yet ... are you sure your stocks will last THAT long? Also, you will surely run out of fresh foods, such as bread, milk, vegetables & fruit, so you need to keep shopping for those items.

How about you just reduce what you buy ... if you have plenty of tinned tomatoes, for example, take them off your list until you have used most (but not all) of them, & then put them back on the list. That way, you will be using up the stocks you have, but wont have completely empty cupboards when you take control of the grocery shopping in a few months time.

Spendless

I think it depends on how you both are with money, we do have everything going into one pot and don't have a problem with one spending all the money in 1 go.

Ches

Don't have to worry about not spending now. In fact quite the opposite. Until I have control over the HK money I can't get him to see that we could live a lot cheaper. He just says I would keep running out of things. I have run a successful houshold for 20years before he even came ont he scene so thats not true. The income won't decrease in October as he took early retirement ages ago and lives on his savings and occasional work at the mo. Its just that when he gets his OAP I have said I want it every week/month for the food etc.That way I can budget properly and maybe save us some money. I think he is just a control freak that doesn't want to admit I could do a better (and cheaper) job. By continuing to spend as he is now by the time October comes I could live out of the freezer and cupbord for weeks and save a lot of money which would obviously be in my account but is that fair. Should I convince him now that we don't need all that stuff stockpiled up and save him the money in his account.

angelatgraceland

I would make a list of the things which have piled up a lot-as said previously and instead of giving him a shopping list, give him a Do Not Buy List. Ive done this myself at times as I tend to forget what I have.I just could not live with your arrangement as I think I am the control freak! All of out money is pooled and I pay/sort all bills and do all shopping/spending. This suits my hubby as he hates shopping and hates banks. Hard to say what is right for you, but that is where I would start. How about online shopping??

Hardup_Hester

I control all the money in our house all the bills are in my name including the mortgage & I pay everything out of my account.
When hubby does have work, which isn't often (he's disabled) he hands all his money over to me because he can see I make it go further.
Hugs Hester

rosieben

I agree with previous suggestions, maybe dont buy any more of things you have silly amounts of but other than that I would carry on as you are; I always like to have a good full store cupboard and freezer, and assume you will do the same; I dont think you need to feel guilty about stocking up especially things on offer etc. as you will probably continue to do this after October anyway?

I could function the way you do, I have to have the management of the money - I must be a control freak too!!

belfastgirl23

I don't think this is about the money or the stockpiling, it's about you not agreeing who 'the boss' is Not that one person is the boss in all things, for us for example DH is definitely 'the boss' in the home furnishing and decoration dept but I am 'the boss' in the money department. If I'm reading right, you're still (relatively speaking) in the early days of living together? In which case this comes down to you trying to figure out who is in control of this area. Is the bottom line that you feel he should be giving you money towards utilities etc and he isn't currently (if he's living there then it's fair he contribute in this way). Would you both be best contributing 50/50 towards ongoing living expenses? If he doesn't ever question what you buy then I don't think it's really about that in one way.

Maybe you need to have a proper talk about money? It is very tricky establishing boundaries and it could be that he would feel more comfortable if he were making his contribution in a different way?

Good luck with it anyway

PS I have spent almost 20yrs biting my tongue over how my DH packs the shopping. And it's not even wrong (he always puts soft stuff on top) just NOT MY WAY!!

Nicki

If it were me, I would keep spending roughly the same amount per week, and build up stores of what will keep. This sets a benchmark for what the housekeeping budget should be. If you start using up your stores now, your weekly bill will drop, and your budget may be less when it comes to decide it in October plus you'll have no stocks to fall back on!

When October comes, as you say, you will probably be able to do the shop for less than you now spend, and should you wish, you can save the surplus and be able to surprise OH after a few months with some accumulated wealth for a treat, and at the same time demonstrate what a good household manager you are (or alternatively keep it for something you want to buy for yourself!)

I personally wouldn't be able to tolerate my OH behaving in the way he currently does though, particularly as you own the house in which he is living free of charge! Everyone does have their own arrangements on this kind of thing though and so long as both of you are happy with the arrangement, all's well and good. I just wouldn't have your level of restraint and good humour!

Ches

Thanks to you all for replying to my post. There is a lot of truth in what you say Belfast Girl. In fact the only thing you got wrong was the fact that we have been together for 20 years.

Nicki you obviously understand exactly where I am coming from. This is what I had planned to do but had begun to feel guilty about as it did seem to be a little underhand. It has helped a lot in knowing you think that I am not totally horrible so I will continue to plan to take over the food budget this way. Every other way hasn't worked so fingers crossed. Friends and family think our arrangement is strange as he financially wouldn't get away with it so lightly if I hadn't got the means to be independant. (small PP as well as OAP) To set the record straight though he has never been in debt and if I needed money for anything he would give it to me tomorrow. Just not for food. Strange man but we will jog on together. Thanks to you all.