Lightbulb Moment

consumerpower

HI Everyone,

So here I am, shamed, embarrassed, feeling like a fool, and sick, actually feeling physically sick at the money I have spent in the past three, all courtsey of the wonderful world of credit cards!

So now I have had my melt down, after about 7 months of pure hell, and trying to pretend really really hard that I could cope, and it didnt matter my salary couldn't cover my debts (after my mortgage payment) and dodging the thousand of phone calls and hiding all the letters from the credit card companies...cos If you dont speak to someone or and you dont read the letters you arnt really in debt!

Anyway confessed all to my wonderful, life saving husband, who has been trying really hard to get me to tell him (for about the last six months) and feel like I have cried my heart out in two days, and feel so relived! and I cant tell you what it feels like to find other people out there going through the same thing! And also finding out I am not the only person in the world with debts that equal a very nice top of the range car! eeekkk or our extension actually!

So right now because I really cant get another credit card, and none of my £29,500 credit card debit is on 0% we are trying to get a loan from Mr Natwest. THe plans is, that I hand over all my credit cards, last night i did it and I even knew some had some spare cash on it but hey thats why I am in this mess! I have handed over my cash card! and about to transfer my wages into my husband account and he will give me some cash every week for the next three years (oh how long can three years be..??) until I have paid off every penny of my total £32500 debt.


WOrse of all though is I feel so so so scared that I am going to be here again in another five years (will defo be husband-less)..?? did anyone else feel like that, and whats worse is my husband has asked me, what did you spend it on..? and I just dont know, other than living outside of means, thinking I really am some celebrety, buying designer handbags and having £250 hair cuts. This really worries me more than the debt that something is wrong with me, why oh why did I do it..? and why didnt i stop it a long time ago, why have a risked everything? my career, my husband, our house..yeah yeah ok I dont think I need to go with that line sure your getting the point. It just feels like this snake, this dark black snake, that you get onto, and spin spin spin all the way down to this awful awful place or what I am going to call debt denail hell!

ok well I am hoping for lots of support now I have had my lightbulb moment! cos I got a feeling the next three years are going to be tough,,,although I am going to be better off! get that! and I have to live with myself too!

Thanks for inspiring me to get this far!

Big lightbulb light shining hug!

Jemma

debtfreeby40_3

Hi consumerpower

I am new too - must be something in the water cos there's loads of us today!!;)

You are much braver than me becase I can't tell my husband. I don't even think that I am worried he will leave me - it's my stupid stupid pride. Can't bear to lose face.

I know from reading other posts, there is light at the end of the tunnel - we will get there and hopefully by that time, moneysaving will have become such a way of life, we won't go back to our old ways.

I'm sure you'll get lots more useful replies. Just wanted to say 'hi' and 'well done' and send you a virtual ((hug)).

chevalier

Hi Jemma
Welcome to DFW. You have hit the nail on the head. Why oh why did you do it? You need to find out why you have been spending this way. Was it to out Jones the Jones's, or because work was pants and it was comfort buying, or that you think you are a rubbish person, and spending makes you feel better about yourself.

Sorry if that was harsh, BUT you are right, if you don't address WHY you spend then you COULD be back in this debt later in your life. And you have to look at this BEFORE your lovely husband takes out a consolidation loan especially if it is going to be secured on your property. Because as bad as you are feeling now, how bad would you feel if you go out of control again, and you lose the house?

My thought is that giving over all of your finances to your OH, doesn't teach you control. You are giving control to your OH. Is that really fair? On either of you? Perhaps it would be better to only do this for say 6 months, and then for him to start giving you control back (in small amounts) and prove to him AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOURSELF, that you can control your spending.

One other thing you can do to help short term, is to sell all those designer items you bought. They go well on ebay. That would recoup some of the money you have spent. Also did your OH not profit from any of this debt?

the very best of luck going forward, you have taken a very important first step
chev

B2B-2008

Hi Jemma,

I am in the same situation as you. My partner and I have £50000 of debt (including the loan interest). We are getting married next year and really want to start trying for a family after but can't with this amount of debt. But we are getting there slowly. We both have the same aim and working together it is so hard but well worth it.

Good luck to you both

consumerpower

Chev,

No offence take, I do know the reasons but I just dont think I can say them out loud, but I am, because to be honest I have no respect to even try to hold onto lets face it!

I think, that basically I feel very insecure about myself, and in my old job, which I left in august, i just knew I wasnt good enough to be there, it was full of oxford graduates etc, and there is me common as muck, getting fatter, and just feeling like I was making a complete show of myself, so i thought if I pretending my husband and I was loaded, people would like me, be jealous of me even, but then I realise I was just plain unhappy there and left, and since then I have been trying to deal with my debts, I am not going to say they have been going down because of instead of stopping I tried to ignore it, and tried paying them off, but realised I was getting no where as my minuim payments is about the same as the interest. I hope some of this is making sense, I think I am going to try and find some counciling (free..!!)


I agree in what your saying about handing everything over to my husband, but he is vey good with money, 10 years older than me, and right now I just feel like I can cope with it all, and I cant trust myself. I know I need to learn how to do this, but at the moment, I feel like this is the only way I can get through it. I guess it is better to make a start to pay it off, well trying to sort my mind out then continuing on this snake until I do!

I am hoping by three years I will have this figured, and can take control again. Maybe it will be much sooner!


Thanks for taking the time to post me, its a pretty scary place right now!

onamission_2

Hey consumerpower
don't feel so bad. You have had your lightbulb moment and now you can face it all...the hardest part is admitting the debt as it is tied up with your emotions. I've only been dealing with mine for 2 weeks and I am making great progress. I have been overspending since day 1 of my job when i got graduate loan to move into a better flat and ......spiral overspend 400 p/m , consolidation, credit cards etc.

The part is now you have to take control of your self and your spending habits and understand why and when you spend money. It will help you deal with the emotional aspects - otherwise you will eventually end up at this place again. I understand most of my spending has been related to my feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. I blew on my credit cards every time i had a emotional bump. and now i tend to eat - but at least i know!

well done on admitting it. now I recommend rather than hand control over to your OH, you sit together and work out the finances. It will help you when you get a dark day to focus and not go "oh sod it its only money".
Posting an SOA will help identify where you both can save ££ and keeping a spending diary to see where your cash goes (I include how I am feeling and what is happening on mine which is how i know its emotional bumps that are fueling my binges)
HTH
onamission

southwester_2

Well done for telling OH, dont worry about the reason just dont go back to it, like I havent gone back to gambling.

RAS

Please re-think this.

Well done to both of you, for fessing up and for still being there.

But as others suggest, if you post a SOA (see southern Scouser's stickie at the top of the forum), people here will be able to help you both identify where you can make savings and perhaps find some money.

For instance, some of those cards you hand over may have lower interest rates than the ones that are full. If you can shift debts across to the low rate card, and overpay the high interest one, you will sort out the finances quicker.

This will probably cost you less to deal with than a 5 year loan.

Also you may be able to re-claim charges. Go and look at the bank charges message on the front page and the forum, for information.

Ask your hubbie to come on here with you.

debtfreeby40_3

Hi Jemma

I have resolved to tell OH on Monday. If he can contibute to my debt, I can be debtfreeby37andahalf!

It would be lovely to have your support if i can pick your brains as to how to go about things. How do you bring it up?

Good think about the worry is that I haven't eaten a thing all day (trying to find a bright side...)

consumerpower

Hay thanks for your support basically, my husband is debt free, so its all mine!

Natwest has offered a very low rate loan because he is a gold account holder, my credit cards all charge me lots of interest and if I pay the loan off in three years which is our plan. Hubby supporting me, and all, then I will pay £7k in interest. I owe £32500 in total, and I think if I keep in on my credit cards then the interest will be much higher.

I know he spoke to his financial adviser (independant) on Tuesday morning, and he said it was a good deal considering I cant get 0% interest credit card.

My only non credit card debt is overdraft £3500 and I get charged £50 a month in interest on this, I just dont see without a loan how on earth I would pay it all bank in three years.



I am going to tell him about this place tonight, as it is also my vow to tell him everything, I am also going to start a money diary!


Thanks for all your help so far!