Regretfully Hiding my Debt!

regretful1

Hi Everyone! Im new to one of these forums and support groups. However, after many years of hiding my everclimbing debt, I thought I ought to seek out HELP and support. Im so embarrassed and scared by my debts, and the truth is I really can't blame anyone but myself for them. I have been married for over 20 years now and while I can honestly say it has been a very rough road, I see now I could have made different choices along the way. Let me go back to the beginning and in no way am I looking for excuses, but I think it will give me and you a better and clearer picture of how and why it all started. You see my parents divorced when I was only 9, I was Daddy's Angel and a straight A student with nothing but love for people and the world. When my father left for a much younger Woman, leaving my mother pregnant with my Little Brother, my whole world crashed and burned. I was angry with my Mother, thinking it was she who chased him away. I was wrong and to this day, 35+ years later, I apologize to my Mother every chance I get. When my Father left, he was the bread winner, my Mother stayed home with us. She suddenly had to find a job, and she did at a local school in the Cafeteria. My Father's CS Payments were not enough to cover much, so our food at home was food brought as leftovers from school lunches. My friends teased me alot about how poor we were that we needed to bring school lunches home. My clothes were hand me downs, and at times my Mother would splurge on new clothes and shoes for us, but she struggled to do it. When my Father left, he did leave us with a home that was paid off. When my oldest sibling was about to graduate, my Mother knew she couldn't afford to give her a lavish or fancy graduation party, so she decided to do a home party. Embarrassed by the way the house was not "up to date", my Mother took out a mortgage on the house. Well to make a long story short, eventually that mortgage balooned from zero to over $100,000!! You see I tell you this because I basically fell into my Mothers footsteps. I saw how over the years my Mom did everything in her power to give us a good life to give us the finer things. She thought that it would make up for the hurt caused to us by the divorce! I went from a Straight A Student to a High School Dropout..I cared nothing about my education anymore. I thought by my doing bad in school I was hurting my Father, as he was a stickler for education...Little did I know I only hurt myself! I went on to get my GED. After school, I went through many jobs, always just wanting to spend and have "BETTER" things so people would like me. I have always had a spending problem, but never thought of it as a problem until now. I married my husband at 21 (after many failed relationships), he knew I had money problems in the beginning. You see I am one who always seeks to help others in need and will help them in any way that I can at any cost! I have always put others in front of me! I always make sure for Christmas that everyone has a gift, no matter the cost. I help people who are sick and in need. So I am not a selfish person, but one who is always looking to please others! I now have a Daughter who is 10, she is my life, my heart, my greatest blessing and achievement! My husband and I always make sure she has the best of everything and is always taken care of first! I guess from my childhood to hers, I wanted her to NEVER feel what I have felt. Now, where the debts started rolling in...My husband makes good money, twice even three times what I do. However, he thinks that we should always be paying 50/50 on everything..cars, food, clothing..etc. I pay all utilities in our home, since he bought the MH. I have to give him half the car payment and insurance every month. He hates debt and only has a credit card in his name. ALL of the debt I have is in my name only. I started taking out small loans and payday loans to come up with the funds I didn't have to cover what he expected of me each time we had to split something. I have struggled for years to get out of this debt, but it seems that everytime I come close, something else comes up and I have to get another loan to pay down something else. I started taking one loan out to pay another, and now I can't afford any of them! I make sure that the loans that have collateral are the first ones paid, so I don't have anything reposessed! I feel guilty lying to him and hiding this debts, however, he is the type of person that you can NOT reason with. He is a very jealous and vengeful person. He has ALOT of money in savings, and can not see why I can not save money. He hates bills and expects me to have the cash on hand whenever we have something to split costs on. Rather than deal with his ranting and raving, I make sure I always have my share! I have seen his dealings with other family and friends when it came to money matters and it is not very nice! I have promised myself that no matter what I would do this on my own and keep it from him. On many occassions, he has expressed to me in a fight that he will take my daughter from me because he has "More Money" than I do. He told me he would make up lies so my daughter and everyone else would hate me for it. I know I am dealing with alot more relationship issues, but for now I want to deal with the debt issue. You see I want to teach my daughter to be stronger than I was, I don't want her to follow in mine and my Mother's footsteps of unbearable debts. I am now doing alot of research and thinking of doing the "Snowball" plan. Did anyone else do this approach and if so how did it work out? However, it is going to put me behind on a few of the loans, and I guess as long as I am making every effort to pay, I should be out of $30,000 in debts within the next 3-4 years! I look for support here, because I am afraid and ashamed of losing friends and family over all of this. Thank you for any advice and input! God Bless!:o

regretful1

Let me also add that I am very determined to do this. I want to be debt free as soon as possible, so any input will be greatly appreciated! I have already cut up all credit cards, I am looking to put any tax refunds towards this debt (as he will give me 1/2) and I am looking for side jobs to also bring the debts down. Every extra penny I can find, I will put towards my debts!

NewLeaf_2

welcome. I am sure that was very difficult to write but you won't find anyone judging here

[Deleted User]

Hi and welcome to Diaryland,

You'll find some friendly and helpful people on here.

Good luck and I look forward to following your journey x

regretful1

Thank you..it was hard..I really broke down between writing and the shame of my problem. I look forward to the support and guidance. I know it won't be easy, but it will be well worth it!! I know if I told him, I would only be belittled and I would not have the support I much need to stop my compulsive behavior and become debt free ONCE AND FOR ALL!! Thank you!

elantan

Regretful1.. Let us help get you there, you've carried the burden alone too long now

It's great that you have recognised so many parts to your reasons why, and snow ball is a great way to go, have you done an soa yet ?

Can I ask ( purely for my eyes) that you maybe try separating your writing into a few paragraphs also as I kept losing my place ( am in a mobile phone)

regretful1

Thank you for your support and kind words of encouragement.

I worked all morning on the "Snowball" Template, and if I can put my refund and hard work into paying some debt down, I will be DEBT FREE by November 2015!!! Way sooner than I thought!! :j

I want to post my debt success like everyone else, but I am a little confused on the formula! Lol

Help Please??

regretful1

elantan wrote: »

Regretful1.. Let us help get you there, you've carried the burden alone too long now

It's great that you have recognised so many parts to your reasons why, and snow ball is a great way to go, have you done an soa yet ?

Thank you Elantan! It feels good to know the support is there! :A May sound silly, but what is an soa?

elantan

It's a statement of affairs , where you list your incomings and outgoings ... There is a link at the top of the forum I'm sure on how to do it ... Am in the phone so don't know if I can manage that will try though

elantan

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/562271 here ya go went onto the main board its there not on the diary board sorry,

this will give you an introduction and various links for different things

regretful1

Man this is an eye opener! :eek: No wonder I am soo stressed out!! This is the year, I bust my behind towards my debt free goal! :T Wish me Luck!! :cool:

Here we go of course it doesn't let me list them in US Dollars:

Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet

Household Information
Number of adults in household........... 2
Number of children in household......... 1
Number of cars owned.................... 2

Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 1700
Partners monthly income after tax....... 0
Benefits................................ 0
Other income............................ 0
Total monthly income.................... 1700

Monthly Expense Details
Secured Loan Payments................................ 400
Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 333
Rent.................................... 0
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 0
Electricity............................. 65
Gas..................................... 0
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 48.3
Telephone (land line)................... 0
Mobile phone............................ 60
TV Licence.............................. 0
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 0
Internet Services....................... 0
Groceries etc. ......................... 150
Clothing................................ 0
Petrol/diesel........................... 0
Road tax................................ 0
Car Insurance........................... 160
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 0
Car parking............................. 0
Other travel............................ 0
Childcare/nursery....................... 0
Other child related expenses............ 0
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 0
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
Buildings insurance..................... 0
Contents insurance...................... 0
Life assurance ......................... 0
Other insurance......................... 0
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 50
Haircuts................................ 0
Entertainment........................... 0
Holiday................................. 0
Emergency fund.......................... 0
Total monthly expenses.................. 1266.3

Assets
Cash.................................... 0
House value (Gross)..................... 17000
Shares and bonds........................ 0
Car(s).................................. 19000
Other assets............................ 0
Total Assets............................ 36000

Secured & HP Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Secured Debt...................... 11304....(400)......10.75
Secured Debt.................. 11088....(333)......28.6
Total secured & HP debts...... 22392.....-.........-

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Mesa...........................1178......108.......29.9
Springleaf.....................2795......165.......35.96
World Finance..................1497......150.......97.57
Total unsecured debts..........5470......423.......-


Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 1,700
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 1,266.3
Available for debt repayments........... 433.7
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 423
Amount left after debt repayments....... 10.7

Personal Balance Sheet Summary
Total assets (things you own)........... 36,000
Total HP & Secured debt................. -22,392
Total Unsecured debt.................... -5,470
Net Assets.............................. 8,138