If it doesn't make you happy, don't do it..

Raksha

I'm really feeling that my relationship with the Father of my two youngest sons no longer makes me happy. Ideally I'd like to move out (the boys are nearly 16 and nearly 18). I don't work (mental health and other issues) and the household runs on a DMP based on my OH's earnings alone. Financially, they'd be better off because obviously I'd take my debts with me.

I had thought I'd buy a second hand caravan (I have a budget of around £1000) and hop from site to site (I think the max stay allowed is 28 days) but looking at the finances - £15-£20 a night! This isn't going to happen.

The reasoning behind this was I have 2 dogs who are just as much a a part of my family as the boys, but they wouldn't be happy with my OH.

How can I escape?

DUTR

If it were not for your post count, I would have suspected a troll post.
It is not up to the boy's father to make you happy, it is up to you to make you happy, at the rate of the caravan site, it would be cheaper to get a flat.
Escape? Have you had a chat with the boy's father about how you feel?

Raksha

I don't expect him to make me happy, but just being with him does just the opposite. He has a short temper and swears and huffs and puffs if things dont go his way.There are few flats or any other conventional housing which would allow me to take my dogs.
We've done relate, I've had councelling on my own, I've tried to talk to him about how I am feeling and all I get is promises that he will try to engage more with the boys, do more around the house, etc. But the good intentions just don't last, despite me making comments about how nice it is to see him doing x. Sex is non existant and has been for 15 years, I feel like i'm using him as a meal ticket. He wont do relate again (I have asked) I can't see things changing in the future and I don't want to live my life sitting in the same room as somebody who is plugged in to headphones and oblivious to anything else

minimoneysaver

How about a house share? Or failing that is there a way to do a long term rental on a static caravan?

silvercar

If the household runs on a DMP, how are you going to afford to live apart?

How would it effect your children?

If you live alone, would this be good for your mental health?

Raksha

silvercar wrote: »

If the household runs on a DMP, how are you going to afford to live apart?

How would it effect your children?

If you live alone, would this be good for your mental health?

If we were apart, I could claim benefits and live on that.

The children currently spend most of their time in their bedrooms if they arent at school/college or eating. If they come down at other times they run the risk of him shouting at them.

I feel that living with him is dragging me down

busiscoming2

So if the father is not treating the boys as you say, would they be moving out with you and the dogs?

I can understand your need to escape but wouldn't it be mean to leave the boys behind?

FatVonD

Raksha wrote: »

If they come down at other times they run the risk of him shouting at them.

Raksha wrote: »

I've tried to talk to him about how I am feeling and all I get is promises that he will try to engage more with the boys,

If that is the case then you absolutely shouldn't be thinking about leaving them with him!

If the relationship is really at an end would it not be better for him to move out?

davsidipp

feel for your situation raksha,but your boys need you,even at their age,do they spend time in their rooms due to atmosphere,very sad,its your oh that needs to leave.

coolcait

Raksha has posted several times over the years about her relationship with the OH; her OH's relationship with the children; and the general family dynamics.

She has received a lot advice along the lines that she should leave; that leaving would be better for the children, and so on.

I remember that advice because I have agreed with it - given the circumstances and situations which Raksha has described in the past.

So, I agree with Raksha's decision to leave.

I'm afraid I don't agree with the mechanics of how you'll do it, Raksha. I'm sure you have been advised, in the past, to contact Women's Aid for advice and support - particularly with a view to leaving.

Please contact them now. Use the info on the sticky at the top of the board, and get in touch with them, for advice on how to leave safely, and how to manage the practicalities and the financial side of leaving.



[As an aside to this thread, given some comments:

- Low post count doesn't always equal 'troll' (although it often does);
- high post count doesn't always equal 'not troll';
- "I'm a regular poster using an AE - 99 times out of 100 equals 'troll". Often the same troll, judging by the style. Time after time.]

IMO etc etc

princeofpounds

I would urge the OP to consider carefully the timing of any moves. Seen a number of times family splits when children are taking exams at 16 and 18. Can be immensely distracting.