Help Me Please re Mum's!

UKTigerlily

I'd appreciate any advice & suggestions about what to do regarding my Mum. I'm sorry this may turn out to be a long post, i'll try to keep it brief.

I've been off of work on the sick for a number of weeks, i'm not sure how many but over a month. I've purposefully not told my Mum that i'm off, i've lied & said i've gone in, which i'm not glad i've been doing but felt I needed to do. I'm off with mental health problems & when things get to a critical point, I keep it to myself & act like everything is ok. I do this partly because if my Mum knows it won't make her feel any better it'll really worry her sick & she can't help me & it won't benefit her knowing. I don't want people to become ill with worry.

Also, if my Mum knows, she will constantly bombard me with questions & make me feel worse. I'm sure she doesn't mean to do this, but I feel i'm letting her down as I can't work, or have a relationship etc, just what peoplem do. I get the feeling she thinks mental health doesn't exist, that i'm lazy & should get on with things. Anyway enough of that.

So, I called her Friday, I wasn't well as I've had some stomach bug. Sunday morning she knocks the door to see how I am, then as I don't answer she goes around the back & bangs on the windows, waking me up. I wasn't happy as it'd taken me three hours to get to sleep & I was in no state to talk to anyone & really sick & in pain. So cause I didn't answer, she goes to my work, asks if i'm there.

Work check the personnel records & say no & they haven't seen me for quite a few weeks & I definitely haven't been in. I'm so mad with work. My first question is, can they give out that information or is it under data protection or anything? I mean i'm 28, not 16. I don't live with her & surely whether I worked certain days is information they shouldn't have given out as it's nobodys business but mine & works?

I just feel like she's stalking me, harassing me, something like that. I find dealing with mental illness difficult as it is. I'm not close to my Mum, to me she is as close to me as anyone, even people I don't know. She's done this before, she bangs the doors until I reply & has said she'll break in if I don't answer. If I can't feel safe in my own home, where can I?

When i'm ill she needs to accept I sleep it off. I didn't even go two days without phoning her. I realise this all sounds trivial, but I need to be left alone when i'm ill & also she makes a huge fuss because i've had two days not calling her due to a stomach bug (Which she knew about) but won't help with my mental health at all. It's like that's not important but the rest is.

I just want her to accept I need space, it's not like I don't normally call her. I'm feeling claustrophobic & people banging my door panics me. She's been asked not to go banging on the windows if I don't answer the door, but says she will & will break in if she has to. I feel so ill with the depression I want to be alone. I can't talk to her. I can't say yes i'm off with the illness's & no I don't know when i'll be back cause she judges me.

TBH, bad as it sounds, I love her but only see her as i'm obliged to as she's my Mum. I don't feel close to her or like I can talk to her, if I do she nags me & lectures me about how i'm irresponsible etc. Just an example, the other day I needed £5 as my emergency credit on the electric had almost gone. She said no & lectured me about buying a £23 moisturiser. Fair enough, but then the next day she'll be saying why don't I buy clothes, go out etc

I don't smoke or drink, I don't go out, have a car, buy clothes or even make up. The moisturiser was the second i'd bought in my life & I did it to cheer me up, way before the electric was even low. I'm also impulsive when i'm ill, and can't control spending, though in this case it was because i'd had £20 stolen from me

Sorry to whinge on & on, I just needed to vent & get any help on what to do or how to deal with this & if work were right to give out that i'd not been in.

Thanks

Mark7799

IMHO, the matter of work giving out info is a side issue. You seem to have issues that are far more in need of being sorted.

Justie

I know how you feel Tigerlily I always want to be left alone too. You need to understand that even if you don't tell your mum what's happening she'll still worry though. It's best to be up front with her and to set out the 'house rules' and explain to her how to help you get well (ie leave you alone) but you will have to expect her to still want to fuss, it's only human.

You say you've been off work for more than a month but don't mention the doctor - are you getting treatment?

dollop

this is going to sound awfull but i think you really should thank your lucky stars that you have a mum that cares so much,some of us are not so lucky and have abusife parents,also it sounds like you need some treatment,i do hope you start feeling better soon.

pinkshoes

i'm presuming your mum lives quite close? Is there any possibility that you can move further away, so at least then she'd have to phone before she visits? And living in a 1st or 2nd floor flat would stop her banging on the windows.

She's probably only doing it because she cares, but is obviously going the wrong way about it and treating you like you're 8, not 28. I guess she doesn't understand either, which is why you're going to have to be 100% honest with her, MAKE her understand, explain that her coming round all the time is stressing you out, and ask her to phone you before she visits.

I know none of this will be easy for you to do, but rather than thinking of how hard it will be, think about how much better it will be when she understands and you can have peace and quiet without the worry of being disturbed!

SSB

Hi
Your work place was in the wrong, they should never disclose any information regarding you or your circumstances. Although your mother obviously cares for your wellbeing, she has no right of informaton from your work.

nats3006

dont have much advise but just feel sorry for you!!
(((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Yorkshire-Lady_3

Sorry, but I think your Mum was showing how worried she was by going to where you work.
For all she knew, you could have been very ill in bed, or had a fall and been lying at the foot of the stairs.
Mums 'care', some interpret it as interfering.
You said that you 'feel so ill with the depression I want to be alone'. Maybe she was worried that you'd harm youself?

I'm sorry you feel like you do, but the people in your life will also have problems and worries. I hope you feel better soon and feel able to include your family in your life again.

bluebell13

dollop wrote: »

this is going to sound awfull but i think you really should thank your lucky stars that you have a mum that cares so much,some of us are not so lucky and have abusife parents,


Yes, and some people have wonderful mums who respond to their every need too. I don't think the OP was asking for a judgement.

Tigerlily, you sound as if you are suffering from depression. Hope you are getting some support from GP. You don't seem to be able to stand up to your mum at the moment. Maybe you could ask her to do something specific or come at a certain time to see you as a compromise. As she knows you have not told her the truth she is probably thinking all sorts.

Hope you feel better soon

belfastgirl23

Sounds to me like you really need to think about what you want from your relationship with your mum. you want her to be there when you need her for emergency credit etc but then disappear when you don't want her around. I have friends who are also in this kind of destructive relationship. Either you're an adult who manages life on your own or you're a child who she needs to look after. Trying to have it both ways causes problems for both of you. Not being harsh here, I know when you're ill it can be difficult but just saying that if you were consistent with her then she would understand the rules better. At the minute she still clearly feels that she has to take some responsibility for you and it's up to you to prove to her that she doesn't.

Hope you feel better soon.

dmg24

Hi Tigerlily,

Just to say I know exactly what you are going through, I am sat at home now pretending to be at uni, having had a weekend of constant phone calls and texts checking I am ok.

I don't doubt that you know how much your mum cares, but sometimes that can be extremely overpowering, and make you feel worse than you already do.

I would go with Justie's advice, and if you can't face actually speaking to her, perhaps send your mum a text? My mum hates texts, but it is a good way to communicate on your own terms, and you can send and receive them as you wish. Just put something like 'Am feeling a bit low at the moment, just need some time out, everything will be ok in a while, will be in touch soon.'

Let us know how you get on ...

Thinking of you x