Advice for an unsupportive partner

lilyp

I am recently breathing a huge sigh of relief that our £50k debt has been turned into a mortgage and the letters and baliffs have stopped. The stress of the situation nearly cost us our home, our relationship, everthing.

I have vowed never to be so stupid again. I have made plans to save and to pay off the mortgage asap. I am so grateful to my lovely mother who let me "borrow" her money invested in this house.

But my other half just seems to want debt again. He has no intention of cutting up his credit card, is already talking of buying a games console on credit and being able to go to the pub. I know we have lived like paupers for a bit while this has been sorted out but I feel like he is being irresponsible.

I so desperately want to pay off the mortgage very early but I dont feel I have any support. Has anyone had a similer situation and how did you win them round?

pleasedelete

I think that you need to talk about what is important and jointly agree what you can and can't spend money on and how much (or agree a set amount each month that you can freely spend exactly as you wish).

On here there are often threads saying he won't do xxxx, he stil buys yyyy. It may be that going to the pub is really important to him and he would rather do that than buy clothes or go with you to the cinema etc etc. do you spend money (even £2 on a magazine or a few pounds on a little treat). Big generalisation but I often find that women fritter and men buy big stuff (which seems more expensive but often is the same as lots of small spends)

The key is to talk and understand each others priorities. Be very honest- do you slip an odd treat into the shopping (which may be for both of you but not how he would chose to spend any spare money). Do you put in a bottle of wine for home when he would rather spend the equivalent on a drink in the pub?

Go through a budget together and agree your priorities based on funds. Agree how much to overpay on the mortgage each month. It may be that the budgets you draw up can include game consoles and the pub- it may not.

You are desperate to pay the mortgage early. Is he? What did you agree when you took it out? Can you agree a set amount to pay each month.

Talking to each other is the key. You are adults. Don't treat each other like children (ie don't cut up his card or give him a daily allowance in cash) . Talk.

You say 'I ' a lot including I have made plans to save and pay off.

unimaginative_user_name

Good advice from please delete.

If your budget allows you could agree to £5-£10 'pocket money' a week/fortnight each for you to spend on something you want that the other might not approve of. It could be a bottle of wine on a Friday night or it could be saved up until there's enough for a second hand games console or whatever.

The key though is both of you working together and making joint decisions, which might mean compromising on your mortgage free date.

lilyp

Thanks for the advice

He is difficult to talk to about money. When we were in the depths of despair he was depressed and angry while I just saw it as a challenge. Every chat to try to budget would end up in an argument.

He earns £500 more than me but always seems to run out of money half way through the month and I end up paying for everything. In desperation I have transferred every dd to my account and he only has to give me his half at the beginning.

I have set up a budget plan which involves us both saving £200 a month as we need to set up an emergency fund pronto. It leaves him with £400 spare cash each month to use as he pleases. I only have £200 play money and I hope to not use it all and save some more. In the budget I have worked out every single expense he has so he really has no excuse if he runs out of money.

My concern is if he starts using credit cards again that £400 will quickly be eaten up by minimum payments and he will have no fun money and be miserable again.

I guess I just have to let him make his own mistakes

Mummy_Sarah

aww hun to be honest, he needs a kick up the bum. My partner gives me all his earnings. he knows we cant have treats (we are on £74 a week to feed a family of four) he goes without for the sake of both of us. Could he perhaps be depressed and buying things gives him that brief sense of happiness maybe you could find the deeper issue inside him. Try and get him to find happiness from somewhere else, which doesnt cost anything maybe xxx